With baby in NYC

getting back in shape

2010-10-26T16:49:00.000-07:00

Today Birdie slept an extra long nap giving me some time to get ready for a lunch date I had with a friend.

I love Fall, and fall clothes. I was super excited to have the time to actually think about what I was going to wear seeing I've been living in my maternity leggings and jeans. But lo and behold nothing really fit. Ok I wasn't expecting jeans to fit, but I thought for sure my pre-pregnancy jeggings or fitted shirts would. Um no. I had no clue my thighs increased in size so much since the jeggings refused to go beyond that area. And who knew my boobs had grown so much - none of the fitted shirts I tried fitted right. Wow a real wake up call.

I want to preface this by saying the process of pregnancy and giving birth gave me a whole new appreciation for just what my body is capable of. Like most women, I've had a love-hate relationship with my weight most of my life, but I was at an all time low with the toll PCOS/infertility took on it and the sense of feeling like my body was failing me. So I'm going to keep my goals realistic and in no way allow it to become obsessive. That being said I'd still like to return to a healthier weight for myself.

Yesterday marked 6 weeks since Birdie's birth and I have to admit I've been eating like crap. I've had little time to think about what I eat, and though I'm not eating a whole lot I'm surely getting extra calories from the cookies, bagels and donuts that have become too regular for comfort. It's not good for my insulin resistance and it surely can't be good for her either.

I want to commit to being a little more mindful of my eating habits. Now with 6 weeks behind us, motherhood isn't as overwhelming as it was, so I should be able to carve out some time for myself to plan meals in advance and to head to the gym.

Today keeping this in mind I handed Birdie over to husband when he got home (with a bottle of pumped milk in the fridge if needed) and headed downstairs to the gym. I have absolutely no excuse seeing I have a full fledged gym in my apartment building.

I'm starting slowly: 30 minutes on the treadmill. At a pace that actually got me sweating a little. And you know what? It felt really good. I am thinking of doing one of those from couch to 5k training things- it'll keep me movitated and challenge me.

I read that losing 1.5lbs/wk while breast feeding is totally ok. So this will be my goal for the 2olbs I'd like to lose. I'll let you know how it goes. Slow and steady wins the race!

we have a sleeper

2010-10-19T13:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a solid month now that our little Birdie sleeps a solid 7 hours straight most night. Some nights it's 6 hours, some nights even 8 hours. Last night she slept 7 hours at which point I took her out of her crib to nurse her (more because my breasts were bursting with milk and painful). She nursed while still sleeping for 10 minutes and then pushed my nipple away. I put her back in her crib and it was another 3 hours before she woke up. Amazing right?!

She is a great night time sleeper, but daytime had been an issue. With her falling asleep at my lap and waking up as soon as she was put down. Now she gets about 2-3 naps a day (averaging about 2 hours each). Sometimes I put her on her tummy to nap, and other times I just let her nap on my lap on the Breast Friend while I am on the computer and other times she naps in her swing. During her awake hours she nurses constantly to make up for feedings, and when she's not eating she's become quite alert and interactive. We can actually leave her on her activity mat or in her crib (she LOVES her mobile) and as long as she's not hungry, she'll sit and "play" on her own for 30 minutes or so. Other times we just love holding her, singing to her, dancing with her, speaking with her etc.

I finally feel like I have the hang of this motherhood thing a bit better now (should I even say this?). We've become a lot more social, Birdie and I. My work place is a 15 minute walk from our apartment, so I've been meeting work friends for lunch or some friends have been stopping by the apartment to say hi. We've been doing weekly playdates (more for us at this point than the babies) once a week with one of my good friends who is also a new mommy. I was intially nervous about taking Birdie to a restaurant and attempting to eat lunch/have a conversation but she's been great. I've been sticking to some restaurants close by that have wide enough aisles for my wide bassinet stroller. I make sure to feed Birdie before we leave, and take a bottle of pumped milk with me to feed her if she needs it while we're lunching. Most times she's perfectly content looking around in her bassinet, mixed in with being held by me and my friends. We try and get out of the house almost every day for a short walk around the neighborhood. Having a bottle to take with me has made me a lot more confident about leaving the house!!

This is not to say it's at all easy (because it definitely isn't!!) but it is to say that things have gotten less overwhelming than in the beginning. And I'm actually starting to enjoy all of this and not wonder as much how we'll get through it. Part of it is us knowing our little baby and her cues better, part of it is being more confident in my own mothering abilities and a big part of it is also being acclimated to our new lives and routines.

Adventures in pumping

2010-10-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

... who knew this would be so challenging? Is it just me or is there SO much to read about every topic, with everything (from the Bjorn to soothing a fussy baby) requiring a phD to master?

I had wanted to hold out on pumping until atleast 3 weeks to give my milk a chance to come in and establish a nursing bond with my daughter without bringing in the pump. Last week I finally brought out my Medela InStyle Advanced (two boobs at once!) and excitedly tried pumping.

Test 1: My excitement quickly turned to dissapointment- I wasn't expecting a full bottle, but I was definitely thinking it'd be more than .75 ounces (combined from both breasts, for a 15 minute pump session)?! Especially since I've been soaking my breast pads, and Birdie had seemed to be perfectly nursing at each session. Not to mention, she awoke early from her nap and wanted to nurse 20 minutes after I'd pumped and I don't think she got enough milk despite nursing longer than usual, leaving me one cranky baby. I'd read that babies were much better at getting milk out of the breast and pumping 30 mins before feeding still left enough milk for the baby? I guess not.

Test 2: I did some reading of tips online and tried pumping after she'd nursed, to build my supply and encourage more milk production. Day 2 results: after 3 day time sessions (for abt 10 minutes each time), I had about 2 ounces total and Birdie wasn't cranky since she'd already fed.

Test 3: My baby girl sleeps 6-7 hours straight night time, so I thought I'd pump 3 hours after she'd fallen asleep, thinking this would be 3 hours before she awoke and my breasts are usually heavy and painful when I finally nurse her. A 15 minute session got me 2 ounces of milk which was exciting, but for some reason baby girl awoke an hour after I'd pumped, and from my observation I don't think she got enough milk. I ended up feeding her 1 ounce (of the 2 I'd just pumped) after she'd nursed on both breasts. It was only after this that our crying baby fell back asleep.

I now have about a 4 ounce bottle sitting in the fridge, which seems enough for one short outing. So I haven't done any pumping today. Which I know isn't a good idea in terms of encouraging milk production, but I feel guilty since I seem to be not feeding my baby enough by trying to pump simultaneously?

Birdie had her 4 week appointment today and she's gained the right amount of weight (1 pound in two weeks) so she's obviously getting enough nutrition and I'm producing enough milk. But any tips for how I simultaneously nurse her and try storing some away?

What's worked for you ladies to get more milk? When to pump? For how long?

My Medela has an automatic "let down" function every few minutes it seems. And I've been pumping at the 5 of 7 levels, which is as high as i can tolerate without it being overly painful. Already drinking tons of water, eating oatmeal daily, and eating a healthy diet.

24 days

2010-10-07T14:58:00.001-07:00

What's new in Birdie land? Isn't it a wonder how much a newborn changes daily! Each day, she is becoming more and more interactive. Yesterday I was greeting her post-nap with my usual huge smile and "mommy loves you" repeated in silly voices and I got a tiny smile back. I quickly called her daddy, and she did it again leaving me and husband jumping for joy. Oh how your definition of "success" changes. Lately give me several wet diapers and chubbier by the day cheeks and I feel like I'm having the best day ever.

I've been feeling slightly lonely recently- we still are not going out much, other than for walks around the neighborhood and I'd been mostly discouraging visitors trying to get a hang of Birdie's needs/routine first and it's easier dealing with her fussy moods without guests around. Today I had my pregnancy buddy (who's little boy is two months old) come over for a play-date and she was absolutely surprised at how alert and active Birdie is. She loves being held up with her chin resting on my shoulder and observing the world with her neck held straight. Our little one came out of my womb eyes wide open, and she was lifting her neck from day one. Now she turns her head to follow noises, makes eye contact and stares for long periods of time with an intense gaze and new faces/art work... I'm also feeling far more confident about having folks over, so we are going to start having friends over more often now.

So we're doing better, both her and I. I feel like every day is a learning day, and we're surely (albeit slowly) learning how to read her moods, how to soothe her etc. Not saying by any means that I'm an expert, but somethings that have helped recently:

white noise: husband discovered that Birdie loved the sound of the faucet on when she was having one of her crying fits. Since then I've downloaded the white noise app on my iPhone and she falls asleep well to the sound of waves or rain fall. It's been a life saver
sleeping on her tummy: I know this one is controversial but we realised that the reason our little one may be so fussy day time is that she wasn't napping at all. She'd fall asleep nursing and would sleep on my lap but as soon as I put her down in her crib, she'd be awake a few minutes later. Now I let her sleep on my lap for longer until she's in deep sleep, and for one afternoon nap I transfer her to my bed and lay her on her belly. I get a book and sit on the bed next to her and keep a close eye on her. She sleeps really well this way and gets in atleast one afternoon 2 hour nap. She's been a whole lot unfussier as a result. My mom said when we were babies, we usually slept on our bellies and that it really helps a baby with intestinal issues/gas etc. Whatever it is- it works!
Burping: I'd try burping her and sometimes she's let one out, but often times after a minute or two I'd give up. Now I make sure to get a good burp out of her after each feeding. New positions have helped: for Birdie, bouncing her in my lap for a few seconds and then cupping her chin and leaning her over slightly seem to work usually. The position I was taught with her resting on my shoulder, tapping her back rarely worked for us.
Not over stimulating her: it goes against instinct. Usually when she's fussy, we'd try everything under the roof to see if it'd work, and in doing that overstimulate her even more it seems. Now we try to keep things as calm as possible and maybe try one or two things at most, and she calms down easier
Evening massage time: I use warm organic extra virgin olive oil and give my little one a gentle massage. Back home, babies get massages twice a day and it is said to help with everything from circulation to easing their growing pains and aid in relaxing them. We've started giving Birdie a massage each evening to establish some resemblance of a routine- I'll nurse her around 9pm, we'll do a massage, diaper change, pajamas, and then one more feeding before rocking her to sleep around 11pm. She sleeps really well after this.

These are small tricks that have worked for us. It's interesting how each baby is so different- after a few fussy evenings, we offered her a pacifier and she wouldn't take it (tried Avent, Nuk, Soothie..). She also doesn't like the Swing that so many blog parents have raved about.

My breast pump arrived today so I'm beyond excited to try that out and hopefully become more mobile as a result. Last weekend, husband and I ventured a little further from home than we had with Birdie and went to do some cold weather clothing shopping for her. She was behaving fine, so we even bought some coffee and falafel sandwiches to enjoy in the park. I used my nursing cape to feed her in public (a first! and it wasn't so bad other than my aching arms...). I was glad to see I was fine doing this, but I still think pumping will be easier in NY. Especially now as it gets chillier.

So that's our update. My little one has been sleeping 6-8 hours straight most nights (we checked with her dr and she said up to 8 hours was fine and not to wake her up to feed her!!) which has been amazing. Granted I'm still getting up every hour or two to check on her, but it's still amazing. She is usually famished when she does wake up and I think we make up for it day time by having lots and lots of nursing time.

In short that is how we're doing- I've never been more tired, and at times I miss mini-aspects of my pre-baby life (dying to go Fall shopping!!) but each and every day with Birdie is so much fun and I'm loving motherhood. Especially as we learn more about our babe and how to keep her calm and happy :)

2 weeks

2010-09-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

(husband and Birdie, hand in hand)

My little Birdie is 16 days today. I still have a hard time believing it. On the one hand, it feels like she's been ours forever. On the other, when I was uploading her just born photos online, I couldn't believe how much she'd changed already. Time seems to be going just too fast!

We haven't had too many visitors, still getting used to our new family unit, and Birdie's unpredictable schedule.. But the other day, my good friend H who had a baby 2 months ago stopped by with her little man. I'd seen him when he was two weeks old, and it blew both me and my friend away how huge he looked in comparision to Birdie (who looked teeny tiny at 7.3 lbs). As gorgeous as he looked and as envious as I was of his playfullness, it hit me just how she won't be by tiny newborn for very much longer (sniff).

...Thanks ladies for inquiring how we're doing. I am doing fine- first two weeks I had the typical soreness and tiredness but I think all things considered, I did pretty well in terms of recovery. I was definitely overwhelmed and may just now be getting out of the "dazed" phase but I feel good physically. The big thing for me is sleep, and (knock on wood) Birdie's been sleeping a good 5-6 hour stretch every night for the past ten days. I've gotten better at falling asleep when she does. Once she wakes, I change her diaper, nurse her, and on good days she goes right back to sleep for another 3 hours, and on not so good days, I'll have to rock her and she'll fall back asleep after an hour or so. Still, I consider myself incredibly blessed to be getting 6-7 hours of sleep a night with a newborn! Armed with some sleep, I find myself far better able to deal with the day to day crazyness of life with a newborn.

So how is Birdie doing... First few days, she was fine. Then my milk came in (I seem to be a milk producing machine) and she gained the weight she had lost after birth. Her poo became the yellow mucuousy dream poo they tell you to look out for, she was napping day time, and sleeping night time. And then bam all of a sudden around day 10 she's become fussy. I think our poor girl is having reflux issues, so after talking to the nurse at the Pediatrician's, I've started feeding her on a slight incline, keeping her upright 5-10 minutes after feeding and placing her head on a soft baby pillow. It seems to have helped, and some days she's an absolute angel, and others, she won't nap and tires herself out. Yesterday for ex (my second day home alone), from 7am-5pm we basically did this routine: diaper change, feed, she falls asleep at my nipple after 10 minutes, I rock her and when I transfer her to her crib, she awakens almost immediately, and starts wailing. The only thing that comforts her is to be fed more... Everyone and their mother tells you to get them to feed longer, but it's easier said then done.

While pregnant, I had this image that we'd go on walks and I'd still be out and about with my newborn, but with her constant feeding (and my not being very comfortable with feeding in public), and my seemingly thin skin when she cries, means we've been staying home mostly. In the evenings, we'll take her for a stroll in her pram, but I only seem to be able to do that if husband is with me. I am trying to hold out until she's three weeks old to pump and am hoping after that we'll be much more mobile. I even gave in and offered her a pacifier the other day after hours of wanting to suckle, and she wouldn't take it. It was the Avent Silicone newborn one. I'm thinking maybe I'll try another brand for when she's super fussy.

I don't mean to make it all sound bad. This morning, Birdie and I danced around to Beyonce for a good twenty minutes. Each and every time I look at her sweet face, it still takes my breath away. I greet her with a kiss each and every time she awakens wanting to be fed, because I am in still in awe this little being is ours. Diaper change isn't as gross as they make it out to be (I even enjoy our little diaper change song :). And when your little one smiles (even if it may not be a real smile) the way your heart melts is unlike anything else...But I also want to be truthful about how hard motherhood has been. If she doesn't cry, I have endless patience and could probably rock her 24 hours a day if need be. But something changes within me when she cries and I can't soothe her, I seem to loose it :(

So a few questions for you new mothers:

when did you start leaving the house regularly with your newborn?

any tips for soothing a fussy baby?

what do you do when your baby wails in public?

I also just want to say that with all the time I spend nursing, I'm glued to my iPhone and read all your blog posts... just haven't figured out how to comment using the iPhone Blogger app. So even if I've been silent on here, I've been lurking on your blogs :)

Little Love is here

2010-09-22T18:07:00.000-07:00

Our little miracle arrived Sept 13 in the evening. She is every bit as wonderful as we'd imagined.

After two nights in the hospital, we came home and have been busy since getting to know each other. And learning all about parenthood and understanding our daughter.

It's been... hard. Everyone tells you it will be, but for me the "surprise" was more how hard it has been to manage both my own body's healing/changes and the needs of our little baby. All things considered, we're doing pretty well. Especially on nights where little love sleeps 5 hours straight (this happened last night!!).

It's also been... fun. She is absolutely beautiful and interactive, and came out of the womb eyes wide open. And has been exactly the personality I'd envisioned her to be from her movements in my belly (stubborn, strong, a bit diva ;).

I have started and saved her birth story so many times... just haven't gotten to finish it. So I thought I'd atleast update you all to know she's arrived, and that we're doing wonderful.

41w3d- still no baby

2010-09-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

Ok ladies this is getting ridiculous.

I went in Thursday for a sono and little girl is snug as a bug and happy in the womb. Too happy it seems. Amniotic fluid levels were good too. And I still feel movement all day long.

She checked me and I was finally 1 cm dilated. Woohoo. I also requested she strip my mebranes and she did. I asked about castor oil and seeing I was dilated, she said it was worth trying since I'm hoping to avoid being induced.

Long story short, I took 3 tblsp of castor oil that night, and spent a few hours in the loo and then had 5 hours of intense contractions. Even called the OB at 5am, when the contractions were 5 mins apart. She said we could either go into the hospital or labor a little longer at home. We decided on the latter, and spent the time showering, getting the hospital bag ready etc. Lo and behold, two hours later, contractions started getting farther apart and eventually dissapearing. The OB called to check in and when I told her what had happened, she said it must be early stage labor and could last days.

Which it has. All of yesterday, last night and today I've had cramping and contractions (ranging randomly 10-30 minutes apart). I cannot say how frustrating and annoying this is. Not to mention painful. Add to this that I seem to have to go to the loo after everything I eat, resulting in painful hemarroids. I guess it's not punishment enough to have pain in your belly and back... pain in the ass has to be added to the equation.

:(

My induction was to be scheduled for tomorrow, but the hospital was fully booked, so now I have been told to show up Monday night. On the one hand, it gives me one more day to hope baby girl makes her appearance naturally. But on the other hand, I'm just tired of this.

how is this even possible?

2010-09-07T15:08:00.000-07:00

Impatient to wait until tomorrow, I had the OB's sneak me in for an appointment today.

We did the NST- baby girl is apparently moving alot per usual in there and has a great heartbeat.

The OB checked me and.... still NOT DILATED at all!!! She seemed surprised. I even more so.

Really? I'm practically 41 weeks. How is that even possible?

I go back in Thursday for a sonogram.

And then if baby girl is still not here come Sunday, they will induce.

I am hoping to avoid that... though seeing how my body seems to be making no progress, it is a real possibility.

I asked the OB about castor oil today, and she said it doesn't harm, but she doesn't think it'd help either. That if I don't mind bouts of diahrrhea to give it a try... Has anyone tried drinking castor oil to bring on contractions?

Baby girl is still not here

2010-09-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

I am 5 days past my due date, almost 41 weeks along.

I still have no real "signs". Have been cramping on and off, especially night time. Get really strong BH, especially when I go for my twice a day walks. TMI, but I've been going number 2 after every single meal (which I read somewhere is a sign?). But I've had all of these things for almost two weeks now, with no change.

I've been trying many forms of natural labor induction- nothing's worked:

I ate one whole pinapple- no result

I've been walking 3 miles daily- no result

Nipple simulation- no result

Love making- no result

Eating spicy food on a daily basis- no result

It's probably because I don't see any progression, I continue to feel really discouraged :( I haven't tried Castor Oil yet, but if the OB tells me I'm dilated at my next appt, I just may.

The Dr's was closed today, but I'm calling them first thing tomorrow to see if they'll fit me in tomorrow. I don't want to wait until Wednesday and I'm nervous that they haven't seen me since last Monday.

Thanks ladies for answering my Q in my last post. New Q for you: how exactly did BH feel different from real contractions? Usually BH for me lasts minutes at a time. I still don't get how long the real contractions last- is it just a sharp pain and tightening for a few seconds? And you time until the next one? Was it always accompanied by back ache? Having a hard time telling if I'm still only having much stronger BH or if these are contractions... ?

40 weeks

2010-09-02T00:20:00.000-07:00

Today is baby girl's due date.

If it wasn't already obvious- she isn't here yet.

I had another OB appointment Monday (last week's was just last Friday)- no progress. No dilation. No nothing. To make matters even more annoying, the OB's office is moving this week so they were closed all of the week and saw me Monday as a result. My next appointment is not until next Wednesday, at which point I'll be 41 weeks.

Sensing my dissapointment perhaps (?), the OB was telling me about the impending storm (Earl I guess) and how the L&D ward was quiet last week and the Dr's and nurses were joking about the calm before the storm and expecting a lot of births this week. Something about barometric pressure leading to labor... I don't know. I had my hopes up with the full moon theory, so I know better than to put too much stock into this one.. But I still am hoping... Let's see.

I'm still feeling pretty bummed out. But I have to say one sleepless night I started looking on my archives on this blog and came across the post I'd made Aug 2009, titled "hearbreak" where I was at my lowest point and questioned whether I had it in me to continue the IF battle. Reading that brought tears to my eyes, and made me say aloud "I have no right to complain". How far we've come in a year's time. But maybe it's because of how long we were TTC, plus the 9 months of pregnancy and waiting, but I feel like we've been waiting for this little one for years now. If I ever come across as ungrateful on this blog, please know I count my blessings daily. We're just a little impatient to meet our little miracle.

39w4d

2010-08-28T20:09:00.000-07:00

How far along: too far along it feels like. Due date is 4 days away.

Sleep: I had two whole weeks of sleeplessness. Nothing worked. Not even Tylenol PM, which for me always had. I tossed and I turned. I tried sleeping sitting up. Nothing. The first week was terribly difficult since I was trying to finish everything at work. I started maternity leave this Monday and was hoping I'd atleast get to sneak in naps... even that never happened. You reach this state of constant tiredness but sleep eludes you... Cannot tell you how frustrating that is. I don't even want to type this in case I jinx myself, but last night I slept a good 8 hours, even managing to fall back asleep after 2 pee breaks. And even got in a 2 hour nap this afternoon. Let's hope that lasts!!

Movement: constant. I can tell she's napping in longer spurts, but once she's awake and especially after I eat, she's a bundle of energy kicking and dancing. And she's big enough that it is actually painful these days if she moves in quick movements or delivers her signature kicks... People can see my belly shake from the outside. I do cherish these moments though, as I realise she has to come out at some point (though she seems to have no intention to)...

Best moment this week: my mom is here and having her feel my belly was pretty special. Although we'd already bought most things, I'd purposefully left a few things unpurchased so that my mom could feel part of the experience. She really enjoyed picking out the coming home from hospital outfit.

Food cravings: not really cravings, but as of this week I seem to have my appetite back in full force. Baby girl's definitely dropped and the heart burn has eased and I'm eating a lot more.

What I miss: nothing really at this point. Though we have a big bottle of my favorite champagne ready for the hospital, and I know I'll enjoy that.

How I'm doing: frustrated I have to say. Time lately has been going at a snail's pace. I'd somehow convinced myself she'd come early... and was thinking maybe I'd be lucky with the full moon on the 24th... which passed w/no baby. And then husband and I had been thinking maybe today the 28th. Not sure why but from the very start of my pregnancy, whenever anyone asked, I'd keep telling people my due date was the 28th... it'd just slip out as if it was some sign. Today passes with no baby... I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and the OB said I hadn't made much progress from last week. My cervix is lowered and riper (I guess that is the term- ie softened) but still no dilation. I think she sensed my dissapointment so she tried saying how some women progress into full labor over night... but I couldn't help feel blue all of yesterday. I'm just ready for her to be here. It doesn't help to constantly have people calling and texting asking if she's here yet. I know they mean well, but it's yet another reminder that she'd not... :(

BUT we're taking advantage of this time to enjoy the end of NY summer fully. The weather had been beautiful here with weather in the 80s and blue skies- we've been dining at some of our favorite restaurants, it's been great spending time with my mom (who's been marveling at my energy levels) not to mention sneaking in some late night socialising with friends. Last night we went to a friend's birthday soire at a chic rooftop bar- everyone (these are friends who have never been pregnant, and seem to have some notion that pregnant ladies are on bed-rest or something) seemed puzzled I was still out in my 39th week in heels sipping Perrier. Hey, sitting at home doesn't help.

So that is my update. Trying to make the most of these last few days (I HOPE!) but also feeling dissapointed everyday that she doesn't make an appearance.

I don't know if the ladies who've birthed recently felt any premonition or "signs" before labor? But I feel nothing. Some slight cramping.. my belly is noticeably lower... more toilet visits. But that's it. I don't know but I expected that maybe I'd feel some stronger contractions at this stage, and although I am having stronger B-H, they are still B-H...

She isn't here yet- 38w5d

2010-08-24T06:21:00.000-07:00

First of all congrats to the lovely ladies Katie, Jill, Jenn, and Amber. It's strange how happy I feel for these ladies, who I don't know in real life, to have followed your pregnancies and now see you with your miracles.

It also makes me all that more impatient for our little girl to arrive. No update. She's still seemingly cozy in her home of 9 months.

I have been feeling a little stronger Braxton-Hicks the past few days, noticed some slight spotting yesterday, no sight of the mucus-plug and at last week's appointment I was still not dilated. OB said my cervix had just lowered and was riper.

Body is increasingly finding it uncomfortable to move around with this huge belly. I haven't slept a good night's sleep in weeks. Most days the heart burn makes it hard to eat. Considering all of this, I'm actually looking forward to labor.

Have you heard of the full moon story? Apparently the gravitational pull on full moon nights causes women who have due dates around the full moon's water to break. I asked my OB and she confirmed that most hospitals increase staff on full moon nights.

Tonight is a full moon. Could this be it?

almost 38 weeks

2010-08-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

Nursery- ready
stroller- ready
clothes- laundered
hospital bag- mostly packed
support team- husband is ready and mom arrives from Asia Saturday
me- ready to labor
.....
only thing not yet ready? baby girl's name.

A name is such a big thing. And how we pick and name a child is so culturally specific. Back home, children often don't have a name for a few months. They're initially called by nicknames/terms of endearment, and once the parents have gotten to know their child they'll find a name that is suitable. This to me is how a child should be named. Unfortunately, I am giving birth in the US and it will require us to have a name before I can leave the hospital.

We've shortlisted 3 names that could be possibilities. But none of the three feels completely "right". We were discussing this with my parents and I think it's because we haven't met her yet.

So here's hoping to the name clicking once baby girl makes her entrance, otherwise we may be in trouble :)

37 weeks...

2010-08-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

... and we're full term!

Today we also had our last pre-natal preparedness class. The nurse at the end said "Ok now you're all ready". It felt a little surreal.

To say I never thought we'd see this day would be an understatement.

Tomorrow even if it's with a bottle of sparkling grape juice the husband and I will celebrate. To this amazing gift we've been given, and to the journey ahead.

hospital bag- what to take?

2010-08-07T19:38:00.001-07:00

I know there are these exhaustive lists out there of things to take to the hospital... being a minimalist I want to just take the essentials.

Speaking to the nurse at our pre-natal class, she suggested:

robe
toiletries
birthing ball
music
hard candy
champagne for the fridge
laptop (they have wifi)
outfit to bring baby home in
chargers for phone/laptop

updated with suggestions from wonderful ladies in the comments:

camera (duh how did I forget!)
chapstick
socks
baby book (for foot prints)
nursing bra/tank

almost full term- 36.5 weeks

2010-08-07T19:27:00.000-07:00

How far along: 37 weeks in 4 days!

Total weight gain: 32lbs since the start

Sleep: almost non-existant. It takes me hours of tossing and turning before I finally fall asleep around 3am. I get up around 7am to go to the bathroom and then can't fall asleep again. I've been heading to work early, and getting through the day has been really hard. I'm dead tired by the time I get home but try not to sleep that early. By the time 10pm rolls around, sleep has escaped again. It's a very strange feeling- to be so tired but not to be able to sleep. Every few days I've been taking Tylenol PM to get atleast a decent few hours of sleep so that I can continue functioning. It's getting to be increasingly impossible to focus at work and to think I still have so much to get done before my maternity leave starts in 2 weeks :(

Movement: constantly. She actually shifts from one side to the other and we can see it from the outside. She's head down, so this is her bum we see- kind of cute :) Lately when I walk I get really intense Braxton-Hicks which cause me to stop and catch my breath. Any one else get these?

Best moment this week: having pretty much everything done- crib here and installed, stroller put together, all the essentials purchased, diapers and wipes in the cabinet. Only thing I really have left to do is wash her clothes. My husband's colleague's wife was due same date as me- she gave birth 4 weeks early last week- they're both doing well thank god- but it really kicked me into gear to get everything ready. This week I'm focusing on cleaning up the closets some more to get rid of stuff and make room for baby stuff, and finishing decorating little girl's room. I suppose before 37 weeks I should also put my hospital bag together?

Food cravings: lemon popsickles and cold cold watermelon

What I miss: sleep

What I'm looking forward to next: being full term ... starting my weekly appointments.... and strangely looking forward to my first internal exam next week to see if I'm dilated/effaced at all.

almost 36 weeks

2010-08-01T22:31:00.001-07:00

Gosh so many thoughts on my mind and don't even know where to begin.

I've been following all your blogs on google reader on my iPhone but can't figure out how to comment. So in order to comment I have to log onto my laptop and remember what I wanted to say... And these days I'm LAZY :)

So... since the last post we did the hospital tour. I have been immensely impressed so far with both my hospital and the nurses. The pre-natal classes we're taking are taught by a L&D nurse from the hospital and she has such a holistic and natural approach, that it's been really comforting. (Granola as the husband calls it).

Also in the course of the class we've realised that almost every single thing on our birth plan is already done automatically so we will not need to fight for it.

For ex:

the birthing rooms are really decorated in calm colors, with much of the medical equipment hidden behind you. The bed itself has a bar, a mirror and allows for squatting and other positions. The hospital encourages movement throughout labor for as long as you can. Drugs are provided on a request basis and you're encouraged to discuss beforehand with your doctor what your preferences are.

the baby will be handed over to me right after birth, as that is standard practice. They also highly encourage in-room nursing and only take the baby away if it's requested by the mother

they offer a complimentary breastfeeding class and are certified by the WHO as a breastfeeding friendly hospital.

etc etc

All of this has flown in the face of what I'd read the hospital experience would be.. on some blogs as well as books like the Ina May Guide to Birth... My friend who works in hospital administration tells me that "baby friendly" certified hospitals are still a rarity in the US, and perhaps my hospital is more of an exception than the norm, but I feel lucky to be birthing in a place that is so mother-centric. It's comforting.

I had been feeling some slight anxiety about the birthing process a few weeks back but what's always helped me is arming myself with information. So while we'd been reading a ton about the baby, I hadn't really looked into the actual process of birthing. Focusing on that for the past week or two has really helped me to feel like I know what the differnent options out there are, that every l&d is unique.. and somehow that information makes me feel like I'll be fine.

Now the next subject to research is the post-delivery recovery. A friend who gave birth two weeks ago was saying the actual labor and delivery was nothing in comparision to how painful recovery has been for her.. Any days who've birthed recently want to comment.

You think you're finally ahead on all you need to know, only to find out there's so much more to learn about!!

What else... the nursery is coming together. We just have a few more items to order and then we're all ready for lady love's arrival. How I'm feeling will be the subject of another post, as sleeplessness and back aches are still plaguing me... Ah the joys!!

33.5 weeks

2010-07-20T19:09:00.000-07:00

How far along: 34 weeks on Thursday

Total weight gain: 32lbs since the start

Maternity clothes: haven't been able to wear any non-pregnancy purchased clothes anymore... But I have to say I've finally stopped buying any more clothes for the pregnancy. The other day I saw a pretty dress, and had to remind myself I have only a little over a month to go. Isn't it hard to see all the gorgeous regular summer stuff and not be able to buy anything? I wish I could say being pregnant has put a stop to my shopping but it really hasn't- between the new collection of flat shoes and low-heeled wedges, and empire waisted dresses, I've bought as much as I normally do any season... oi! Wasn't expecting that.

Stretch marks: no!!

Sleep: past few days has been hard. I've had a really hard time getting comfortable. And when I try changing sides, I can actually feel the weight of little one shifted in my belly. It's painful. Also have noticed I have to get up to pee more frequently all of a sudden... perhaps she's lowered herself on my bladder again?

Movement: it had been constant for a while there. Especially with all the cold water I've been drinking to combat the heat wave. But past few days I'm also noticing slightly less movement (she has less space to move the OB said) but I'm feeling more Braxton-Hicks contractions... I didn't realise that was what I was feeling because I thought I'd read somewhere B-H were accompanied with cramps? Apparently not... it's this weird sensation that usually happens when I'm walking and all of a sudden my tummy goes rock-hard and I feel this weird tightening...Fun.

Best moment this week: all of our interactions, me and baby girl. I find myself talking to her pretty often. It's hilarious to my husband but I feel like we've bonded so much recently.

Food cravings: cold things... popsicles... cold watermelon... still have the heartburn and odd return of nausea

What I miss: walking normal... not having constant back ache... a good night's sleep

What I'm looking forward to next: finishing up her nursery and getting together the many items we still have left on our to-purchase list. I want to be finished with all of this by the following weekend max, at which point I'll be 35 weeks.

we have a diva in utero

2010-07-20T18:47:00.000-07:00

I am fire. Husband is ice.

I am ever hyper/bothered by small things/impatient. He is eternally calm/thinks things over/doesn't sweat the small stuff.

This is also why we're such a good pair.

Lately when I think of baby girl's personality I was really hoping she'd have more of his personality. My husband's nickname for me is "firecracker" so you can imagine why having a calm daughter may be a better idea. But lately as we've bonded, I'm more and more convinced she's a mini-me.

This happened the other night:

I was dead tired after work. I lay down on the bed with one of the heavy Steig Larsson books, it semi resting on my belly. She gave a fierce kick right to the book. I shifted it thinking I'd bothered her. She proceeded to give another kick and do her squirming dance of displeasure. I commenced to have a verbal argument with her, telling her I'd do with my belly as I pleased (trust me I was tired!). At precisely this point, husband walked into the room and asked who I was talking to. And witnessed our first (and I'm sure not last) mother-daughter fight. I showed him what was going on, and let me tell you the little one did not back down. So I had to concede defeat and read a magazine.

She is this mother's daughter.

32 weeks and 31 years of age

2010-07-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

3-1

Earlier this week I turned 31. To celebrate husband and I both took the day off from work- quite a feat for workaholic us.

We went to our favorite brunch spot, and ordered the whole menu it seemed like. In between bits of waffles, chorizo, and fluffy as can be pancakes, we reflected on the past year for me.

A trip down memory lane... we took last July off from fertility treatments. We'd just started seeing the specialist, who had outlined a seemingly overwhelming number of tests and possible treatment plans. July was the month I was turning 30, so we decided we'd enjoy life that month. Drink.. eat... be merry. And tackle it all in August. My 30th year started with a horrid month with the HSG... SIS... and start of harsher medication and it seemed never ending visits to the doctors. September... October... November... December were much the same. Now in retrospect it was 5 months of my life, but those months were the hardest I've ever encountered, taking us both to the lowest levels of despair.

Come end of December, we found ourselves with the good news that maybe our prayers had been answered. The following 3 months were full of anxiety and constant feelings of fear of it all being taken away. It was only once April rolled around that I started relaxing and enjoying my little one. Believing our little miracle was really true.

How much changes in a year. I started 30 on such a low note, not knowing if I had the strength in me to keep hoping. And now I start 31 full of amazement of what my body is capable of... excited for the future... and believing that dreams do come true.

So we left the brunch spot, our bellies full. Deep in conversation with the person who knows me best in the world... with our little daughter kicking wildly in my belly.

You have those rare moments in life, where everything feels exactly as it should be. And this was one of those.

time... how it's flying

2010-07-04T20:41:00.002-07:00

So much has been going on lately and time has just been flying.

Last week, husband and I celebrated 6 years of wedded happiness. Last year we did a grand trip to the Big Sur coastline to celebrate 5 years and as much as we had fun and celebrated us, we'd still both felt the nagging reminder of what was missing. This year, celebrating our anniversary was a poignant moment. Our last as solely the two of us, and we cherished that and also celebrated what was to come.

Last weekend also was my baby shower. My sister organized it and a big group of my girlfriends gathered for a fun afternoon. We played silly games, ate yummy Mediterranean tapas, and topped it off with a yummy chocolate cake with a pram on it. Fun. Lots of neccessary items for baby girl were gifted and it's sinking in... baby girl's on her way :)

We decided to spend this long weekend here in NY with few plans. Work has been absolutely insane for me with a huge deadline next week so some rest has been badly needed. Today, with termperatures threatening to hit 100F, we cancelled plans to attend a July 4th picnic, and instead had our own picnic indoors in the comfort of constant hydration, proximity to the loo and air conditioning. Not to mention, we put the crib together, emptied out alot of stuff from the guest/nursery room and it now looks closer to the room it should be. We still are waiting for the mattress/and need to do the "decor" but atleast the crib is up!

Also finally got around to reading the labor and delivery part of the baby books. So far I'd only gotten so far as following the weekly updates... Next: need to get some books on breast feeding. Any reccomendations?

30 weeks

2010-06-29T18:31:00.001-07:00

almost 31 weeks- wow. In two days, we'll also be exactly two months's from little love's due date. Blows my mind.

So when I last wrote I was still loving pregnancy and enjoying Italy I see... things have slightly changed since.

The day I was to leave Italy, I had the worst back pain. Like nerve pinching pain, which made me really dread the thought of my 12+ hr journey ahead. I got to the airport in pain, not wanting to draw attention to myself which may preclude the airline from letting me fly. Lo and behold I got offered a complimentary upgrade, hallelujah. It was like my prayers were answered. The flight back was slightly more comfortable as a result.

NY since my return has been absolutely scorching. It's been in the 90s every single day with high humidity. To me it feels like I'm living in an oven. It's unbearable. Our office is freezing (for normal people) so it feels like heaven to me, but the walk to/from work has been unbearable and my apartment even with both AC and fan on, feel oppressive. Past two nights, I keep getting up in the night because of the heat. I don't know how I'll deal with this for two more months! Ready to cry right now at the thought.

The heat has affected everything- I feel swollen (even though husband doesn't think so) and am moving so so slow. I feel constantly in a bad mood due to the heat. My back has consistently been acting up and it's been painful getting through a work day.

So much for the loving being pregnant bit... or atleast I should be thankful that lasted 30 full weeks. I have the feeling the next 10 are not going to be so much fun.

So that is this cranky lady's update. :(

Hope the rest of you are faring better.

29!

2010-06-18T16:28:00.000-07:00

How far along: 29 weeks

Total weight change: no clue! I have no scale here and frankly I don't want to know. I've been eating so well here-last night we were taken for a 7 course dinner, not to mention the amazing gelato and thin crust pizza and cheeses.. I'm in heaven!

Maternity clothes: my attitude remains the same, no thanks. Though I still love the $20 maternity leggings I got from Motherhood Maternity a while back- they've been one of my top two pregnancy purchases.

Stretch marks: no

Sleep: so so lately. But not because of any sleeping issues- just haven't had time. We start meetings at 8am, and go until 6pm. I have been coming to my room and getting on email/conducting work calls until 7-8pm, and then heading out to dinner or sight seeing afterwards with colleagues, and not back in my room until midnight. It's been really hectic, and though I don't feel tired, I realise I should be getting much more rest! Husband's threatened from now on I need to actually take it easy for the next 10 weeks, and I think I may agree.

Movement: little love is still hyper active. I love it! We have our secret interactions, and sometimes even in the midst of a super serious work meeting I feel her kicking and it puts a smile on my face. Lately I can really see her moving in my belly from the outside which is really really amazing. I LOVE it. If the end result of pregnancy wasn't to have my little girl in my arms, I may want to stay pregnant forever :)

Best moment this week: so many to count. My little love is a nomad like her mama I can tell. She seems to love Italy and has given me no trouble. In my 30 years, I've traveled to 30 countries and been a handful of them in Asia and Europe 5 or more times. So I love travel. I can tell my little girl has that same spirit already. I wrote an email to the husband today saying I think she wants to be born Italian.. he didn't respond ;)

Food cravings: nothing really, though I am still really enjoying food. Still having some nausea a few times a week and daily heartburn, but it's nothing a little tums doesn't help.

What I miss: nothing much. I love this much more than anything I could miss.

What I'm looking forward to next: being back in the US over the weekend and seeing my baby daddy. I miss him so much when I travel. Baby girl and I were meant to head to Geneva next for another week of meetings, but I'm heading back to NY instead (despite however well I'm doing, I realise I shouldn't be overdoing it, and travel is tiring). So that's what I'm looking forward to- reuniting our small family and seeing my husband.

ps: I was seriously worried about the glucose test and had this nagging feeling for a long time that I'd fail it given my PCOS and IR- but since the test on Monday the doctor hasn't called back yet. I'm going to call her once I'm back to make certain but she had said she'd call the next day with results if anything showed up...

hi from Italy!

2010-06-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

so baby girl must love Italy, because I've been feeling great.

Tons of energy, no jetlag (despite the 6 hr time difference), and overall just great.

It's interesting to me how different cultures respond so differently to pregnancy. Maybe it's New York, and not the US, but you're treated as if things are just same old same old while pregnant in NY. Yes, people offer you a seat on the train/bus but other than that no fuss is made. My doctor also makes it all seem very normal, and has a very matter of fact approach. Probably because of all of this I've been functioning as I always have- working long hours, eating the same healthy food in the same amount as before, walking everywhere as I always have, seeing friends frequently etc.

But it all changed the moment I stood in line at the Air France counter at the airport on my way here. The staff pulled me to the front of the line, and changed my seat to give me one with extra leg room. They placed a "priority" tag on my luggage so I wouldn't have to wait. I'd also gotten distracted responding to emails on my iPhone, and was waiting in line to board. Several French passengers motioned that I should be boarding priority. I hadn't even thought of that. So off I marched to the front of the line. Where someone was more than eager to help me place my bag in the overhead bin... All without me asking for any of it.

Similarly, in Italy I've been treated like a princess. Every one insists you take it easy, not so much as fetch your own tea... People on the streets make way, the lunch lady insisted I take a complimentary box of milk with my lunch... People seem surprised I'm still flying, working, traveling (although my US doctor said international travel was fine until 34 weeks.. so I technically could still fly until the end of my 8th month).

Which has me feeling all the more pregnant and conscious of my being pregnant. Which I often "forget" back in the US.

I have to say I love the special treatment and the "celebration" of my being with child. As the man sitting in the airplane (who was very hiphop and the comment coming from him was all the more poignant): this is so special. Yes dear stranger on the plane, it is. I wonder if it's the low birth rates in this part of Europe that makes it so, or the non-denial of women being women... but I've found a profound difference in the way being pregnant is treated. And I have to say I love this way far more.

28 weeks

2010-06-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

How far along: 28 weeks

Total weight change: 25 lbs gained since the start

Maternity clothes: ick, no thanks. Still buying regular empire waist dresses a size larger and loving the look.

Stretch marks: no, thank goodness

Sleep: has been great lately. Last night I layed down around 9pm to read and fell asleep, sleeping a solid 10 hours!!

Movement: my little love must be hyper active. She constantly kicks, and moves. I just giggle picturing the little dances she must do in there. Lately you can sometimes see her movement from the outside- it looks like twitching. Husband loves being able to see that. She still won't kick when he has his hand on my belly though.

Best moment this week: we were playing around with the music, alternating between my musical taste and the husbands, which really is at opposite ends of the spectrum. She seemed to love his music, and not so much mine :)

Food cravings: nothing really, though I find myself pretty ravenous. I eat smaller meals to ward off the heartburn, but my eyes are definitely bigger than my stomach is these days.

What I miss: nothing much. Maybe bending over? Or easy movement. I've been carrying my round belly with pride. I might just be one of those women who LOVES being pregnant.

What I'm looking forward to next: my glucose test is Monday, and then Monday night baby girl and I fly off to Italy for a week for work. Did I tell you I lived in Italy 6 years while growing up? I haven't been back in the past 15 years, but am super excited. This also marks baby girl's third international trip in utero on 3 continents. She's a rockstar I tell you!

2010-06-06T20:35:00.001-07:00

Finally catching up on my blog reading... and was so excited to read the news that Preslie is here!!

Congratulations Kelli!!!!

27 wk... third trimester

2010-06-06T20:07:00.000-07:00

My third trimester arrived with a bit of a scare.

I was in Washington DC all of last week for work. I had a packed schedule, requiring a lot of running around the city, hailing taxi cabs trying to make it in time for various meetings, all the while lugging my heavy purse and laptop bag. Not to mention DC was 100F the entire time I was there. Ugh.

Wednesday late morning I noticed a dark brown spot on my panties but being in the midst of busy meetings, I barely thought about it. Especially since it was a one time spot and not increasing.

Thursday early afternoon I notice another dark brown spot. While on lunch break I was on the phone with my husband and nonchalantly mentioned it. Especially since baby girl was moving and I had no accompanying cramps, I didn't think it was anything serious. Husband freaked out and insisted I was taking it too lightly. He scared me into calling the doctor's- which is a first for me. I haven't called to ask anything outside of my appointments. I spoke with the nurse who assured me if it wasn't bright red in color and if I didn't feel cramping, I was most likely ok. The "most likely" part didn't sit well with me. I asked her what to do, and she said if it continued past 5 days I should come in to have it checked out. I thought this was really flippant- if anything were wrong, even given a miniscule chance of that, waiting 5 days didn't seem like a good idea.

I changed my train ticket and came back to NY late Thursday night, all the while semi-panicked. I called the doctor's again on Friday and insisted on seeing the doctor. The nurse once again tried telling me it wasn't neccessary. I insisted. She relented.

I was literally a mess as the clock ticked Friday morning. They let me do a sono, and I got to see baby girl moving per usual. My placenta was fine, and the cervical plug was fine too. I then had a visit with the OB who did an internal exam and found the source of the spotting: a polypse on my cervix- strange!

I was sent home with orders to rest and abstain from any love making for a few weeks.

Phew. A relief. I cannot tell you how relieved we were.

I took the afternoon off and went for a manicure-pedicure, and met my girlfriends that evening for dinner and Sex and the City. I've been definitely working too hard lately, and not taking good care of myself. The weekend was devoted to just taking it easy and reminding myself that baby girl (and thus my health) is priority number 1.

Sometimes we need these reminders.

baby's crib on the way

2010-05-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

We've finally made one of our big purchases for the baby.

After looking around quite a bit (mostly online) I realised both husband and I really like the modern look for baby's furniture. Ofcourse that market is mainly dominated by the luxury brands with $1000+ cribs.

So it was somewhat of a relief to come across the Olivia Crib from Baby Mod on another blog and read the glowing reviews that accompanied the gorgeous look.

Crib on it's way.. now we just have to get the rest together :) We considered the accompanying dresser, but decided to just go with a Ikea type white dresser.

My lovely parents are buying the crib and stroller for us- definitely realise we're lucky.

preggo and pretty

2010-05-27T15:32:00.000-07:00

Jenn asked what dress I was wearing in the last post.

I bought that a few months ago at Ann Taylor Loft and can't find it on their site. Though today I stopped by Loft again after work and picked up three dresses. They are having a $25 sale on many of their summer dresses.

I picked up these two (this... this) and another one that I can't find on their site.

I got mine in medium and they still have a lot of stretch/fabric to stretch as my belly gets bigger. What I loved about these is that you can wear them casual out and about or paired with a thin cardigan in a contrasting color, it's perfect for work.

I've been getting lots of compliments lately at work about what a fashionable pregnant lady I am.

is my 3rd T already here?

2010-05-24T06:39:00.000-07:00

(belly at 25 weeks)

Well I know technically I still have 1-3 weeks to go (depending on which measure you use) until I enter my 3T but I am starting to feel the symptoms.

I don't think I ever did a post on how fantastic I had been feeling for about a month. Tons of energy, my skin was glowing, my hair was just lustrous (first time in my life I could say this!). Now that Spring is here and my belly bump is actually visible and not hidden under a coat, even random strangers are giving me nice smiles and New Yorkers not known for their friendliness are being so kind. I'd been sleeping well. My appetite was back to normal. Spring was blossoming around me and I felt just amazing.

As of the last few days, this is slowly changing... Well most of the amazing attributes are still there, but I've been wracked with heartburn. Initially it was just evening time, no matter what I ate. Heartburn after oatmeal? Yep. Then it was heartburn after lunch and dinner- heartburn after a salad? Yep. And starting today it's heartburn following breakfast. Aghhhhh it's going to be a long day. I've been taking Tums, and at my last Dr's appointment Friday, the Dr suggested Pepcid, which apparently you take before your meal and it stops the heartburn from ever appearing. I'm going to stick to the Tums for now, but let's see.

I've also had bouts of nausea.

I really do hope I have as smooth of a 3T as I've had 1&2Ts. But the state of the last week has me wondering.

So other than the heartburn and nausea, I've been LOVING being pregnant. My husband says I have more energy then he's ever seen me have and he seemed a little worried when I told him the other day that I loved being pregnant. He seemed to be doing the mental math of how many times I may want to do this again and again :)

Happy Monday and hope you all have a wonderful week!

24 weeks

2010-05-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

Hi friends!
Work has been so busy recently that I haven't had time to visit your blogs or post as often as I'd like. I often think of topics I want to do posts on, or wonder how those of you whom I read regularly are doing... Note to self: must make time!

How far along: 24 weeks

Total weight change: 20 pounds since I found out I was preggers.

Maternity clothes: still detesting maternity wear, but really embracing dresses. I bought a couple of empire waisted dresses from regular stores (Banana Republic, Anne Taylor Loft etc) in a size larger and they're working out beautifully.

Stretch marks: no

Sleep: knock on wood, still getting a good night's sleep. Also it's been a week but I haven't been getting up to go pee. I notice my belly seems to be a little higher recently so maybe the pressure is off the bladder? Correlated to the sleep- boundless energy lately!

Movement: really enjoying little love's bursts of movement :) It makes me smile each and every time. I can actually feel her moving when I'm sitting/standing now. It's amazing.

Best moment this week: see above

Food cravings: seem to be gone... but lately I really crave milk, which is strange since I've never been a milk drinker. Unfortunately, heartburn has arrived in full force, usually appearing every evening. I've been eating a good breakfast and lunch, and basically eating yogurt/milk and fruits/some crackers for dinner. I can't handle anything else. My appetite dissapears come night time, most likely due to the heartburn that appears no matter what I eat.

What I miss: NYC gets gorgeous in the Spring time, and suddenly there are lots of social events organized around outdoor bars/restaurants. There's something about being outdoors that makes me miss a good cocktail... a classic dirty martini or a margarita on the rocks. mmm.

What I'm looking forward to next: hmmm. I've been enjoying every step of this pregnancy, but enjoying it day by day. If I have to think ahead, I can't wait to be in the third trimester soon!

22.5 wks

2010-05-03T19:43:00.000-07:00

How far along: 22.5 weeks!

Total weight change: up a pound

Maternity clothes: Still learning to adapt to my growing belly. Perhaps it's my modest nature, but I really dislike tight clothing that draws attention to my belly area. Men seem to ogle at that which makes me feel really gross. I prefer flowy, loose items.

Stretch marks: no

Sleep: doing much better, finally! Have been sleeping a good 8 hours most nights, getting up maybe once for the loo.

Best moment this week: feeling a sharp kick earlier today. Reminds me in the middle of a busy work day that I have our daughter growing in me. It's an amazing feeling :)

Movement: I feel things every once it a while- I've noticed that if I'm hungry but being a little lazy about getting up to go eat something, I'll get a noticeably sharp kick. That's happened twice now. Otherwise I don't feel drastic movement. It's more like flutters. Usually at nighttime if I lie flat on my back on the bed. I can't wait to feel more, more regularly.

Food cravings: ugh, it's return of the heartburn!! Today had a salad for lunch and had heart burn? Had no tums at work so suffered through it. Had a smoothie once I got home and once again heart burn? I took a tums and forced myself to eat some dinner. I seem to be past the cravings stage of my pregnancy.

Gender: it's been a week since we found out it's a girl, and it still makes me smile each time I think of her as that :)

What I miss: moving around easily in bed. Gosh turning has become a real battle!

What I'm looking forward to next: more movement?

Milestones: a few weeks away from the 3rd T!!

on eating well.

2010-04-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

So you all know how I’ve been concerned about my rapid weight gain… well when I was home with my parents last two weeks, as I mentioned there was no scale, and I was eating way more than I normally do. Or at least I wasn’t spending hours a day fretting about my eating decisions. Nor was I getting in my daily 40 minute walks or thrice a week gym sessions.. I decided to not think about it.

Well surprise surprise, I lost a pound!!

I only found this out after I was back in NY and checked my weight. And I literally stood in shock. Then thinking back on the past two weeks I realized something. Yes I ate a lot while I was home but almost none of it was processed. My parents generally eat really healthy… We started the day with yogurt and fresh tropical fruits. Lunch was often a raw papaya salad or pomelo salad with shrimp, with a small portion of carbs on the side. An afternoon snack of more tropical fruits. Dinner was rice, and lentils and fresh veggies. My taste buds felt alive, I felt full and satisfied, and the food was delicious and fresh and amazing.

I also realized how great it is to be outside the US and not be exposed to so much processed food. I almost ate nothing processed.

I swam a few times a week. And that was about the only exercise I got.

And that is how I lost a pound.

Really offers some interesting things to think about doesn’t it?

Since I’ve been back, I’ve gained 1 lb back. That puts me at a 1lb gain for 4 weeks. In 22 weeks, I've gained 16 lbs total.

In saying this, I want to be clear and say I’m not trying to lose weight or not gain what my baby/body needs. It’s more that I was concerned, with my insulin resistance issues, about the rapid weight gain. At my last doctor’s visit, she said with some women, you gain a lot initially and then it slows down. Perhaps that’s what is happening with me. But I am going to try sticking to the lots of fresh fruits and veggies, with good carbs routine.

it's a....

2010-04-23T14:34:00.000-07:00

GIRL

Since we found out my heart has been beating wildly.

Fantasizing of the adventures we'll take. The shopping we'll do. The playing and singing and dancing. The secrets we'll share. I can't wait to have you my little one and have our own mama-daughter special bond.

TGIF it's Friday- I have a lot of celebrating to do :)

Have a good weekend blog friends.

21 weeks

2010-04-22T09:48:00.000-07:00

How far along: 21 weeks

Total weight change: down a pound from 2 weeks ago! This merits a separate post- coming soon.

Maternity clothes: I’ve mostly been wearing my regular clothes but sticking to dresses and other looser clothing items. Paired with tights or maternity leggings, these have been working for me so far. Today I wore my maternity pants to work with the bella band and it feels a tad tight on the belly??

Stretch marks: no

Sleep: Still no! I feel like I’ll soon go insane. The only nights I get a decent night’s sleep is if I take a Tylenol PM which I’ve now been doing 3 nights a week to stop myself from collapsing, but other nights at most I get 4 hours of shut-eye. Which is really hard to function on :(

Best moment this week: Anticipation for tomorrow’s dr visit. I cannot believe today is the last day we have of not knowing little love’s gender :)

Movement: Still feeling the flurries and “churning” of tummy type of feelings… quite regularly. It's pretty cool.

Food cravings: I hate to say this, but last few days, I almost seem to have some return of nausea … I haven’t been very hungry, which might be tied to a sudden state of constipation. Add to that the no sleep, and I officially label this the worst week of pregnancy so far :( :( :(

Gender: tomorrow. 930am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What I miss: sleep

Milestones: Too tired to think of one for this week!

20 weeks!

2010-04-16T00:54:00.000-07:00

How far along: 20 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We're halfway there.

Total weight change: no scale at my parents place means I'm not weighing myself. I've been eating so much given what a great cook my mom is... I'm just hoping since most of it is super healthy, I'm not gaining too much weight. I know I've discussed whether I should throw out my scale at home, but not having one around, I'm realising I like knowing. I'd rather know. I met a friend here the other day who has a 1 year old, and she gained some 40 lbs during her pregnancy and is now back to pre-pregnancy weight. She definitely stressed that it's not worth getting stressed out about.

Maternity clothes: my stomach seems to have really balooned in the past few weeks. My mom was saying that when she picked me up at the airport 10 days ago she didn't really see a belly, but now she sees it. I'm noticing it's growth too- I like it :)

Stretch marks: no

Sleep: Ugh, no. I've gotten slightly better in that I'm getting more than 4 hours sleep a night, but still find myself getting up atleast 3 times during the night for the loo and then having a hard time falling back asleep. I really miss the really deep restful sleep I was having earlier in the pregnancy. Napping hasn't been happening much either- hey I'm on vacation, Mr. Nap, please cooperate and let this lady catch up on her sleep.

Best moment this week: it's been so much fun talking baby stuff with my parents and little sister. She's 13 and has been really sweet about taking care of me, and talks to the baby. Today she brought out her baby books to read to little love and the other day I woke from a nap to her playing the piano for the baby etc. It makes me smile.

Movement: I had been feeling a few random kicks here and there but they seem to have dissapeared. Or atleast the sharp kicks. Now it's more random movement, that I'm hoping is the baby. Those of you around 20 weeks or who can remember it, what exactly did the movement you felt feel like?

Food cravings: It's probably due to being home, but I have my mom make me things I loved growing up but haven't eaten in a long time. Funny how old cravings come back when one has a little one in the belly.

Gender: We're both waiting with bated breath to find out in exactly a week. My little sister was the only one in the family who guessed my older sister's recent baby's gender correctly. So she may have some sort of intuition with this sort of thing- she's guessing a boy for us.

What I miss: getting to do things that are totally normal for others but may be high risk for us preggers- like today is the new year here and people are all out on the streets with buckets of water and water guns. It's so much fun but right now my parents don't want me partaking lest some over-zealous water thrower smack me hard with a bucket full of water... I see their concern, but makes me miss a tiny bit the days of being careless and free :)

Milestones: We're halfway there, and just today in reminiscing how far we've come on this journey... one that husband and I wondered if we'd ever be lucky enough to take... One that has been fraught with anxiety but also has been so reassuringly smooth so far... It made me really emotional to think yes, we're halfway there to welcoming our little love to the family. And that feels good.

Thoughts on a starry night

2010-04-13T10:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Baby,

the heat today got to be too much for your mama. Around 7pm this evening, I headed down to the pool. I was happy to find it empty. I waded into the water, my head filled with many thoughts. Missing my husband who's 11 time zones away... wondering about work I'd left behind... wondering... wondering... as we all do with the every day thoughts that litter our minds.

I was lost in some of these thoughts, some of the past and some of the future when I felt you give me a gentle kick. A small reminder to focus on the present. You must like it when I'm in the water because I feel you move more, reminding me, your mother you have your preferences too.

I started swimming around, relishing the cool and the slight breeze breaking through the humidity. I felt you move again. I then drifted in one of my favorite positions, lying on my back just floating there. The stars bright above me. And I could feel you moving every once in a while, grounding my thoughts to the present.

To how long we've wanted you and how "full" I already feel where that gaping TTC void was. To how we are just a few days away for our halfway mark, a day I most days had a hard time believing would happen for us. To how deeply and fastly I've fallen in love with you, and how I am slowly day by day starting to have faith that everything will be ok with this pregnancy.

As I lay my hand across my belly, and stared up at the sky, I was still and present. Focused on the now, and how beautiful life is right now. Overwhelmed with how much joy I felt, every inch of me alive.

It's so easy to forget how long we've wanted you and to forget to celebrate each day of your being in my belly for what it is. A miracle and the gift of life. Thank you for bringing me back to the present.

Love you, from before we've met,
your mama

19 wks

2010-04-08T05:07:00.001-07:00

Gosh I'm starting to feel really pregnant!

It's been 95-100F every day I've been here, and I must have some water retention or swelling or something because I've been feeling really heavy and started walking the waddle and all sorts of other fun things.

Plus since landing here, sleep has gone out the window. I've always adjusted really well to different time zones but this time the 11 hour time difference is proving hard to adjust to. Or I think it's the time difference... I fall asleep but wake up a few hours later and can't fall back asleep. Last night I went to bed at 10pm, woke up at 2am, and then couldn't sleep. The extreme heat means you drink a ton of water, which obviously means more loo trips too. Due to the lack of sleep, I've been spending my days in semi-zombie land. Naps have been elusive too and I just seem to be perpetually irritated and bad humored (not good D, not good).

So that's my update. Tonight I plan to take a Tylenol PM and get some zzzzs no matter what.

The pampering from mama continues (yay!) and it's so nice to just be taken care. If only I could get some sleep...

18w6d

2010-04-06T17:01:00.000-07:00

Hello friends :) Greetings from Asia.

My flight was LONG but not too bad (husband says I'm eternally too positive...)- I felt every minute of the 16 hour flight from New York for Hong Kong. The seat right next to me was empty and the kind elderly man in the third seat let me take over the empty seat, allowing me to lie down every once in a while. I watched two movies... read my magazine... made sure to drink plenty of water... and walked around alot. Also husband's suggestion to choose a seat by the loo was a good idea- maybe it was being up high or all the water drinking, I feel like I had to go to the loo every 20 minutes. Fun.

I think the real reason the flight didn't seem too bad was the sweet reward waiting for me at the end: my mama, dad, and little sister. The past few days with them (despite the jetlag associated with getting adjusted to a 11 hour time difference) has been absolute bliss. This special time with them before little love joins our family will be something I'll treasure forever. Plus can anyone spoil you like your mama does?

This has manifested itself in constant offering of the most delicious (and thankfully mostly healthy) food, swims in the pool (100 degrees folks!! it's sweltering here), lots and lots of tropical fruit and the start of many pre-natal massages. I plan to have one done atleast every two days. Not to mention all the love :)

Tomorrow I start 19 weeks. I've been feeling pretty good, other than the jetlag state. I can't believe 20 weeks is just around the corner!

off to Asia!

2010-04-01T19:40:00.000-07:00

wish me luck!

I have a 16 hour flight, 4 hour layover, followed by a 3 hour flight.

I am nervous about this trip because of my aching back- hope I get an empty seat next to me!

See you from the other side of the globe :)

things that are growing

2010-03-31T18:49:00.000-07:00

Today we talk about a very serious topic- bras.

I've spent half of my thirty years a 36C. A size I've grown accustomed to. For all my love of shopping, I hate bra shopping. I find a style that works for me and literally buy the same bra again and again, for a few yrs on end. Also unlike most other pregnant ladies, being 5'4, adding another cup size did not appeal to me at all.

Thankfully I don't seem to have gone up a cup size. Or atleast not yet. I can still use my 36C bras. BUT the band was getting to be painfully tight. I tried on a 38C and a 36D this past weekend, but neither fit right. Finally in a moment of serendipity I spotted this beautiful contraption at the store- a bra strap extender. EXACTLY the product I needed.

If any ladies are facing the same problem, these are a genius invention. They cost $10 and come in a pack with three "extenders" in black, white and tan. Mine is the "Hollywood Tape" brand but googling it online looks like many manufacturers make this product.

Ok done w/my PSA for the day.

17 weeks

2010-03-29T12:33:00.000-07:00

How far along: 17 weeks, 4 days!

Total weight change: 10 lbs, so gained 2 lbs this week. Still having a tough time with the weight gain issue. I realize it's all pregnancy and normal part of the process, but somehow gaining more the "recommended weight" makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel a little helpless at the way my weight is going up and up, regardless of how healthy I eat or the exercising I do... A friend who recently had a child told me to throw away my scale and rely on the doctor's office to relay if I was gaining "too much"- what can I say I like being in control...My tummy is getting huge though- seems like a lot of growth going on recently!!

Maternity clothes: Really enjoying adapting my dresses into work-wear with leggings and tights. In terms of pregnancy purchases, I bought a few items at Motherhood Maternity, which I really love: these leggings (which fit more like skinny pants and of a thicker material than typical leggings- I could LIVE in these!!) and these spanx like shapers- they're perfect in terms of smoothing out lumps and bumps but have plenty of material around the belly. Love this! Oh and this dress is so perfect for work- only wish they made it in more colors.

Stretch marks: no

Sleep: on and off. Not as good as last week, and find myself not sleeping as deeply and tossing and turning :( Have also returned to 1st trimester like fatigue- probably related to the not sleeping well.

Best moment this week: guys, I felt some movement last night! It was more pronounced than the "flutters" I've felt before and actually felt like a slight kick. I felt it twice :)

Movement: see above

Food cravings: still having the same food aversions... still really hungry... still craving sour.

Gender: I'm getting a little annoyed that my doctor is having us wait another 4 weeks for the anatomy scan- no fair.

What I miss: sushi still... and this wknd we went out for my favorite Mexican meal, and I really missed a strong margarita on the rocks with salt - mmmmmmmmm

What I'm looking forward to next: feeling more movements this week

Milestones: I can't believe I just started the 5th month of my pregnancy.

Day in food, take 2

2010-03-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a rather not as healthy as usual day for me, so today I present a picture of what I ate today. This for me resembles a more typical day.

Breakfast, 8am: home-made smoothie (banana, yogurt, protein powder, strawberries)

Snack, 10am: a few crackers and cheese

Lunch, 1pm: a big spinach salad with chicken, avocado, chick-peas and other veggie goodness, a whole wheat roll

Snack, 4pm: orange

Snack, 5pm: hard boiled egg, 2 raisin cookies my co-worker brought in

Dinner, 8pm: lentil soup, rice, veggies

pro: this for me was a fulfilling food day- I felt good eating it, and it was all delicious. Plenty of fruit, veggies, and good carbs.
con: well not a con, but tomorrow I'll remind myself to actually eat from the big jar of almonds, walnuts and cashews I've taken into work

A Day in Food

2010-03-24T18:56:00.000-07:00

Breakfast, 9am: a yogurt. I normally have oatmeal, or eggs and toast but was running late this morning and grabbed a yogurt to eat at the office

Snack, 12pm: carrots

Lunch, 1pm: a Subway chicken breast footlong on wheat, which I inhaled

Snack, 3pm: orange and a few strawberries

Snack, 6pm: a twinkie. Still at the office and starving, so the vending machine got the better of me :(

Dinner, 8pm: two softshell tacos, a side salad, some chips and salsa

comments: pros- got plenty of fresh fruits. cons- should have eaten more protein, ie added a hard boiled egg, or a bowl of lentil soup. Tomorrow... tomorrow...

A first

2010-03-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

My belly must be showing. Today someone offered me their seat on the bus!

Sushi and pregnancy

2010-03-18T17:27:00.000-07:00

This is a topic that comes up a lot for me.

Pre-pregnancy I used to eat sushi atleast twice a week. It's amongst my favorites, and especially after becoming pregnant and whereas so much of what I used to love no longer appeals, sushi still is a major craving.

I had some trepidation initially, but I've been having it once a week for the past two months. I order the shrimp avocado roll (the shrimp is cooked) and the eel avocado roll (eel is cooked as well) or one of the vegetarian rolls. Today I even had the salmon roll (raw) after seeing it looked exceptionally fresh.

I've been doing a lot of research into raw fish during pregnancy, and this article was particularly compelling.

Some good points it makes:

the rate of people falling sick from eating raw fish (1 per 2 million) is far less than that from eating chicken (1 per 25,000).

Japanese restaurant's kitchens are often the cleanest of all restaurant kitchens

FDA guidelines require all raw fish to be flash-frozen first, this process kills harmful parasites, as well as cooking would

Surely, I don't think it's worth taking unneccesary risks. My regular sushi spot is a place I've been going to for some 5 years now. I know and trust their quality. I also for the most part plan to stick to cooked fish rolls but if the urge for a raw roll strikes, I know I'll feel fine eating it. Today I ordered the raw salmon roll, and people at the table actually asked if I was planning to eat it. I shared my thoughts and two of the women at the table admitted they'd also eaten raw fish rolls while pregnant... I guess many of us are just too scared of having fingers pointed at us for doing so.

Any sushi lovers out there? Are you abstaining or enjoying in moderation?

16 wks!

2010-03-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

How far along: 16 weeks! Every week is a celebration for us.

Total weight change: almost 8 lbs- so I seem to be going at the 1 lb per week route. Which confounds me. I walk 2 miles every day (to work and back home), and have resumed my 3 times/week gym regimen (low intensity activities like the stationary bike and the elliptical). I want to work my way back into yoga as well. After some junk binging during 1T, I am back to my normal eating habits. I'm hungry alot, but am planning my snacks so that I am not tempted to eat chips and other goodies at work (I pack carrot sticks, hummus, whole grain crackers, boiled egg, apple etc). So it startles me to see the weight gain every week. I know things are growing in there but 1lb a week while eating fairly healthy and excercising seems like a lot.

Maternity clothes: the little belly is finally starting to show :) which I love! And also really happy it's finally Spring in NYC. I've been wearing my usual dresses, with tights and a blazer or cardigan and getting by in terms of work wear. Need to go do some real maternity shopping in the coming weeks. Going shopping is my guilty splurge, and especially in this city where shopping is ever present, it's hard to not browse. Lately seeing it's not exactly like I can fit into anything at the trendy boutiques, my credit card hasn't gotten as much use. Today I purchased two pairs of flats in bright colors- happy!

Stretch marks: no

Sleep: much better. Have slept well this entire week. I get up to go pee, but have been getting right back to sleep. I think the working out is contributing to this.

Best moment this week: hmm.. just the beautiful weather we've been getting, which makes me stop and admire the life blooming all around us.

Movement: Nothing new. I have to say I'm really looking forward to feeling the little one's movements hopefully soon.

Food cravings: sour things, apples, mangoes, pineapple

Gender: husband and I have started referring to it as "our son".. :)

What I miss: sushi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Still have been having it atleast once per week, but I do miss my raw fish rolls.

What I'm looking forward to next: going on vacation in 2 weeks to visit my parents in Asia (they're expats currently based in Thailand)

Milestones: 2nd Tri happiness

Dear Baby

2010-03-13T16:13:00.000-08:00

Dear baby,

today I am going through my closet. Taking down the clothes I already don't fit into, making space for the things I may still fit into...making space for Spring and all the promise it holds. Making space for the you that is growing strong and steadily in my belly. As I gently fold these clothes, I think of how my body is changing ... really how everything is changing. I smile as it occurs to me that I most likely won't bring out this work wear until 2011. I wrap you, albeit my belly, in my warm embrace and think how natural it feels that I love you already so much. And as I smile all to myself and do a little dance, with Ms. Kreviazuk playing in the background, her lyrics strike a chord. You feel like we already belong to each other, and I know that when we finally meet some 5.5 months from now we'll already know each other. I your mama, you my baby.

Your father and I have wanted you for so long. And just the thought that you'll be with us soon makes tears of happiness, endless joy, stream down my cheeks. You, our little miracle. You, our little love.

"If you knew how happy you're making me.... I never thought I'd love anyone so much. It feels like home to me."

Love,
your mama

back to normal

2010-03-12T20:11:00.000-08:00

thanks ladies for listening to me rant in the previous post. Just a quick update to say I thought about my feelings and how to explain it to the husband so that he understands what I need right now. He really does try- I guess with my ever changing cravings, moods and hormones he doesn't know what to do. We had a good conversation and tonight he surprised me with my favorite Mexican for dinner :)

As for the doppler- found the heartbeat! Thanks ladies who left comments for your advice. I looked in exactly the same place as last time, and it took 5 minutes, but this time found both my own as well as the babies... and you're right they're distinctly different.

Have a lovely weekend everyone! I for one am looking forward to not doing much and getting in some extra sleep.

it's not always a bed of roses

2010-03-11T20:32:00.000-08:00

Today was a bad day.

Work has been hard all week- too much to do, too little time. And not having the same energy level makes it all the harder.

Plus my back has been bothering me all week long. Even the chiropractor, which normally helps me, has made no difference. I've been in constant pain.

After a week nausea free, I've had a friend rear it's ugly head : food aversions. Day time it seems ok- I have oatmeal for breakfast, snack on fruit, eat a salad or sandwich for lunch, some crackers maybe for a snack. But come dinner time, this whole week it's been the same issue- I get so nauseous just thinking about food that I'm unable to eat.

As a result the husband and I have been fighting. He says he doesn't know what he's supposed to do. And to me it feels like he doesn't understand how much I'm going through right now. I'm the one not sleeping well from the back pain. I'm the one struggling at work. I'm the one having to make so many changes in my life. Gone are the days of having energy to socialise with friends or have a drink after work. Today he came home after a few happy hour drinks. He was hungry, assumed I'd eaten, he ate.

I sat fuming all the while. It was past 8, I was starving, and couldn't bring myself to eat anything.

Needless to say pregnancy hormones + nausea + hunger does not make for a happy wife.

I screamed more than I should have. I cried buckets of tears.

He went to sleep in the other room, making me even more furious.

I know my husband means well. I know I am basically acting like a stranger to him these days. And yet I don't know how to communicate my needs with him it seems. We've never had this problem before. But these days I feel like my moods are such a stranger to me myself, I don't know how to explain them to anyone else... And I'd almost say I resent that I am the one who has to go through all of this. I want acknowledgement from him almost constantly that he knows how much I'm going through. I want him to pamper me constantly to atone for this.

I'll probably delete this post before tomorrow because it feels a bit like I'm airing my dirty laundry. But I write this blog to be honest, and this is just what I'm feeling right now.

fetal doppler- help!

2010-03-10T16:45:00.001-08:00

I had purchased a doppler at BrUs that didn't work at all. Waste of money, piece of junk.

Today I got the one I'd ordered on Amazon (at the reccomendation of several ladies on here)- the Baby Sounds Fetal Doppler. I found the heartbeat after a few minutes in my lower right belly area, way way down there. The digital reader seems off, but even counting ourselves I got around 80 heartbeats/minute, which seems too low to be the baby's.

Looking online, found this: "At times, the doppler picks up sounds from the mother's side of the placenta and relays her heartbeat instead of the fetus'."

I found my own heartbeat in my chest area and the count was around 80, so the one I'm picking up in my lower belly could very well be my own. Although it's weird that that's the only place on my belly area I can hear a heartbeat... even if it's my own.

Ladies who have experience with a doppler- how'd you find the baby's heartbeat? How did you differentiate it from your own?

14w3d

2010-03-07T08:06:00.000-08:00

How far along: 14 weeks (and 3 days)!

Total weight change: 6 lbs. So 1 lb increase since last week. Which is a relief. I seemingly gained all 5 lbs in a short span, so I was dreading that that trend would continue, since my belly seems a whole lot bigger this week. It's atleast temporarily slowed down. My leg is healed and I'm to working out a few times a week not to mention my daily 40 minute walk to work/back home. Hoping this will help keep me strong and not gain more weight than reccomended.

Maternity clothes: I did a separate post on this. Not fitting into maternity wear quite yet, but regular pants are too tight. So I've been enjoying wearing dresses with tights for work, and living in leggings for my casual look.

Stretch marks: no. Still slathering on the Vaseline Cocoa Butter gel body oil

Sleep: on and off, but better than before I think. Friday I slept 14 hours- I was just exhausted. Other nights I sleep 7 or so, but it's back that makes it uncomfortable. Atleast I'm not waking up to pee anymore!!

Best moment this week: learning one of my best friends is also pregnant and she's a few weeks ahead of me. We have been having such a blast sharing our experiences and already planning play-dates for our kids during our respective maternity leaves.

Movement: nothing

Food cravings: still sour- bought a whole pineapple and cut it up, pleased with myself. Which didn't last long once I realised there are a lot of people online saying to not eat much pineapple while preggers as it brings on contractions?? Will have to ask my doctor. The intense craving for junk food has died down somewhat (I had fries yesterday!) but atleast I'm not wanting chips and fries and nuggets every day. Trying to eat better, and it's been mostly working.

Gender: still guessing it's a boy .. ?

What I miss: sushi still. We were at a dinner party last night and the cheese board looked amazing and full of exotic cheeses. I didn't risk it, but rest assured I gazed longingly at it all evening.

What I'm looking forward to next: just enjoying Spring with my little love (which helps as I'm feeling like my old self again in the 2T). It's finally warming up slightly here, and Spring looks to be on the horizon.

dressing for two

2010-03-03T09:25:00.000-08:00

This is me. I don't look pregnant yet, just a little tubby around the belly. In the past week I'm daily astounded by the growing shape of my belly. Every day it seems rounder and more pronounced. Hello, little love, you are growing mighty fast!

Don't get me wrong, I am hugely excited to be pregnant and enjoying the journey of being pregnant as much as I can, BUT I am really struggling with the dressing part. I think I've mentioned on here before how much I enjoy clothes. They are my guilty pleasure, and I splurge often on some key quality pieces and enjoy wearing them tremendously.

Right now, I am too small to fit into pregnancy wear but not fitting into most of my normal clothes either. I had bought a pair of maternity work pants in my normal size, and I wore them to work Monday and they kept sliding down my belly, despite being elastic waisted and leaving an awkward bump under my sweater. On the other hand, most of my fitted office wear is way too tight or atleast not comfortable to wear. And these days comfort is paramount. So every morning before work is a semi battle. I've mostly been wearing dresses and tights, but yesterday I paired leggings with a longer tunic top. I've never worn leggings to work before, but comfort was crying my name.

So this is my conundrum. For non-work wear, I've been living in leggings/jeggings and am looking forward to Spring as I already have so many empire and maxi dresses that should be flattering on my pregnant shape. But it's the office wear that is trickey... Maybe once I fill out I'll enjoy buying and wearing maternity wear, but from the stuff I've seen so far the medium priced options are not too appealing. They're boxy and not flattering. And yes some designers make lovely, unique pieces but I have a hard time justifying paying those prices for a few months wear. It leaves me feeling decently priced and stylish maternity wear is a market no one's focused any attention on- what I need is a JCrew or Banana Republic maternity line?!

What have you all been wearing? Where have you been shopping?

energy? I hardly recognize you

2010-02-27T19:04:00.000-08:00

Is this 2nd trimester fabulousness?

My evening time nausea seems to have dissapeared and as of today I feel a whole lot more energetic.

Energetic enough to actually deep clean my apartment (or atleast start the process), go do a real grocery shopping trip and make dinner.

We have a 2 bedroom 900sq ft apartment in Manhattan, which is a luxury compared to the shoe-box most of our friends live in. We have decent closet space, once again for this city, but compared to the attics and garages I hear the rest of America talking about, I'm talking about 4 good size closets.

Twice a year I swap the winter and summer clothes and rest of the year they're stored under the bed. Today looking at my closet, I realised I'm not going to be able to wear most of what is in there for another 6 months, so I started the process of organizing my closet. My fitted workwear is all being stored, with only the skirts and dresses staying put. I figure Spring will be here soon so this gives me a head start.

Husband and I have also agreed we'll do a major purge, getting rid of a lot of stuff that's sitting unused anyhow, to make space for baby's stuff. The guest room will have to double as the baby room. And for the near future, that should be fine. We really plan to try our hardest to not accumulate too much baby stuff, which is pretty standard here in the city as no one has extra space.

I figure I'll take advantage of the days when I actually have energy and start this process of making our home ready for our baby. Husband was remarking earlier how much our lives have changed- a Saterday night spent at home cleaning?? He says he barely recognizes me :)

PS: just realised today I went to the gym after about a 3 month hiatus... thinking that the connection between the energy and the workout (even as low-key as it was) is a sure thing

13 weeks

2010-02-24T06:06:00.000-08:00

How far along: 13 weeks! Thir-teeeeen weeks folks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Total weight change: almost 5 lbs! I can't believe it. I went from a negligible 1lb gain to suddenly gaining 5 lb over the course of a week! Is that even possible?? Seriously going to start watching what I eat from now forward.

Maternity clothes: can't bring myself to wear the one pair of maternity work pants I bought. All I want to live in these days is leggings. At this point, I just look fat... like I ate too much. Actually looking forward to having a larger belly and looking pregnant, vs just fat.

Stretch marks: no

Sleep: on and off. Some nights I sleep fine... like last night where I fell asleep at 11pm and woke up at 7am, not having woken up once and slept the most restful 8 hours of deep sleep...but other nights I have to pee almost every 2 hours. Insane. Oh and my back's been killing me, making it uncomfortable to sleep as well. Started seeing my chiropractor again.

Best moment this week: easily the NT scan sonogram on Tuesday

Movement: I had something about 2 weeks back that felt like flutters in my belly. I know everyone will laugh and say it's too early, but it wasn't ligament pain and it wasn't gas as those feel distinctly different. That hasn't happened since. I can't wait to start feeling the little one!

Food cravings: McD chicken nuggets, sour things, french fries, apples, mangoes, pineapple, yogurt

Gender: I don't know why but when I think of this baby, I think of it as male and find myself referring to it as a "he"?! Have any of you pregnant ladies had similar strong feelings?

What I miss: sushi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Though today for lunch I had a tempura roll and a (cooked) shrimp and avocado roll. I could eat sushi every day.

What I'm looking forward to next: the next visit with the OB, next week

Milestones: 2nd Tri!!

NT scan results, 12w5d

2010-02-23T13:33:00.001-08:00

Today we went in for our eagerly anticipated NT scan. I didn't sleep well last night, waiting eagerly for it to be morning. It wasn't anxiety so much as it was excitement to see the little one we haven't seen for some 5 weeks now.

And oh my what a scan it was!

It was a blustery, rainy, dreary day that just called for a jolt of caffeine. Husband picked up a small latte for me before we went in. Maybe it was the caffeine but the little one was bouncing all over the place. Flailing it's arms one moment, kicking it's legs the other, and at one time even flipping around and showing us it's bottom :) After 5 minutes of these histrionics, little love fell asleep sucking it's thumb. I was crying tears of joy, coupled with fits of laughter through the scan that lasted around 10 minutes. Our sonographer was just so lovely and patient explaining what we we seeeing and working hard to get us a good view!

The hospital we went to for the scan actually had us see the genetic counsellor first. I was a little worried about this as my instant thought was whether something had been detected in the blood work I'd mailed in. But no, this is normal procedure. The counsellor went over what the test would measure for and what the measurements meant. She was really patient and explained it all very well. We then went for the scan and then saw her again with the results. All clear on all fronts, so that was nice to hear.

I cannot tell you what an emotional day this morning was for me. In a way I felt like I met my child for the first time. It's amazing how clearly "baby like" they look by this stage- with a prominent nose and pouty lips and very human like movements. All I could think was how in love with this baby I already was and how excited I am to meet it. And truth be told, I feel like a mama already :) which is such a neat feeling.

Just wanted to share the happy news!

Hello ICLW!

2010-02-22T06:53:00.000-08:00

I'm a PCOS'er, labelled as infertile, who now finds herself pregnant after a 2 year TTC journey.

You can read my whole story here. My blog started as a way to vent my frustrations with the TTC experience and document things I was learning along the way, for anyone else going through the same. Now it's turned into a pregnancy blog for this little miracle that growing in my belly. I've just finished my first trimester and have thankfully graduated from full on anxiety mode to now finally enjoying it. I know when I was TTC, it gave me hope to read some of the blogs of ladies who'd succeeded in becoming pregnant, so it with this intent that I joined ICLW after much consideration.

As with every month, I hope to make some new friends and find some new blogs to follow.

Have a great week!

dry skin, and weekend tales

2010-02-21T12:14:00.000-08:00

Is anyone combating dry skin like never before? I think it must be pregnancy related but my skin's been parched, and dry and flakey and nothing was working.

Until I came across Vaseline's Cocoa Butter gel body oil- genius of a product!! It totally soaks into your skin, leaving it luminous. Highly reccomend it! Plus I read that cocoa butter really helps to prevent stretch marks. Thought I'd share the tip if any one else out there is as frustrated by dry skin as me :)

We have been having a fantastic weekend. I don't have very many friends with children (2 to be exact) , and yesterday I went to the birthday party of my best friend's 2 year old daughter. It was about 10 kids, all under 5, running around creating a ruckus. Gave me an idea of what Brangelina's house must be like! :) I quickly acquired a headache but it was fun talking to all the mommy's about motherhood. I let the cat slip out the bag about the pregnancy, but figured I'll never see these ladies again so it's ok. Motherhood is a club I've been dreaming of belonging to for so long!!

Today it's a beautiful day in NYC- bright blue skies, and the sun out full force. I can almost smell Spring :) Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend!

2nd trimester!

2010-02-19T08:03:00.000-08:00

Today marks such a special day for us, my friends.

Today I enter my 12th week!

I'm still beyond belief every time I put my hand on my belly and think of my little miracle growing strong inside. Does it start to feel real ever? And although I can't wait to meet the little one come September, I also hope to enjoy the coming months and this time little love and I have together. Spriritually. There's not a day that I don't give thanks for this answer to my dreams, and for a continued 6 months of good health.

Husband is taking me out to one of our favorite spots in Manhattan for dinner tonight to celebrate.

Have a great weekend everyone!

read this

2010-02-17T09:15:00.000-08:00

Read this. It's the birth story of a brave mother giving birth to a beautiful daughter with down syndrome. She's exceptionally honest in her reaction and the ensuing love that developed.

But do it when you have a quiet moment and can afford to let tears stream down your cheek.

It's the loveliest thing I've read in a long while, not to mention she takes gorgeous photos of her beautiful family.

It's given me pause to ponder as our NT scan is scheduled for next week.

maternity clothing- it's another planet!!

2010-02-15T21:58:00.000-08:00

Maternity shopping is a whole new field for me. And this is coming from a die-hard fashion lover.

Do I buy my regular size in the maternity line? How much longer will the item fit? Do I anticipate that my ass/hips will also widen? By how much?

Questions questions. I've never felt so lost on a shopping expedition.

Found the Old Navy maternity stuff rather lacking. I guess much like the brand, it was mostly of pretty poor quality, and lacking the support I think good maternity wear should have. I still got two items: denim capris and black pants for work- both were on sale and 20$ each so a good deal. I am thinking my tops will last me for a while. I just didn't know what else to get and what size to get it in, so I figure I'll wait and see.

BUT I did go looking through the "normal" clothes at some of my favorite stores and found a few items that will work for maternity wear as well (bought a size or two larger)- lots of pretty dresses out for Spring, and the empire waist is perfect for us pregnant ladies!

A beautiful moment happened when I was out shopping: I'd just purchased my two pants at Old Navy and was riding down the escalator when I was overcome with a feeling that I can only describe as the most content moment of my life. It just felt right that I was finally at this landmark moment, buying maternity clothes for my rapidly expanding body because of this baby inside me. I really had to fight not crying right there in the store and walked out with the biggest smile on my face :)

fries... ice-cream... chips...

2010-02-12T07:07:00.000-08:00

I've fallen into a horrible habit of eating junk.

You see I've always been nutritionally minded- most days my life consisted of oatmeal w.flax for breakfast, a big salad for lunch, and some healthy concoction like lentil soup for dinner. I'd ofcourse splurge every so often, eating out at our fave Thai joint, pancakes and sausage brunches or the occasional McD.

Over the past two weeks I've gone bananas. I've eaten McD's atleast twice a week (their fries are about all I can eat when nausea hits), finished one of those large bags of doritos by myself over a few days and this morning ate a brownie and ice-cream for breakfast (so ashamed!). It's like I have no self-control.

I think for me it's compounded by my leg and not being able to go buy the fruits I want or the healthy eats I'd otherwise prepare. And since becoming preggers I can't stand to cook- last night I made a rather healthy pad-thai with some gorgeous king prawns and lots of veggies. The husband LOVED it, I ate one bite and couldn't stomach any more. So dinner was: 2 pickles & a Chobani low fat yogurt.

Maybe it's because I veer between binging on horrible junk food and eating not much from the nausea, but I haven't gained any weight either. Especially amazing when I think about the fact that I used to walk 45 minutes every day (to and back from work) and go to the gym atleast three times a week. I've gone from that to basically not being able to walk even? It's a mystery to me how I'm not gaining tons of weight.

I just can't understand my behaviour. It's not like I'm thinking "oh now that I'm pregnant, I can eat whatever I want". It's more of a mystery- I honestly feel like I crave these unhealthy items, which I've never craved ever before. And I then have no self-control on top of that.

Does anyone else find themselves eating horribly?

10w6d- waiting for the NT scan

2010-02-10T17:13:00.000-08:00

One of the surprises of our first OB visit was being told we'd have 3 total scans for the remainder of the pregnancy. Since we found out we were pregnant, we've had one scan a week (and 2 the wk I was in Mexico and had the accident) and been totally spoiled by getting to see our little love so often. To be honest, the scans also induce alot of anxiety about how the baby is measuring and all of that, so maybe it's not a bad thing but it still makes me sad that we'll not get to see our little one so often!!

So the next time we're scheduled for a scan is for the NT scan in 2 weeks time. Maybe this is standard, but my OB gave me an envelope with a lancet and a form I need to mail in after I prick myself and get some blood on some circles. Yesterday my sister was over and we tried and tried and I couldn't get myself to prick myself. I tried a few times and then figured out the lancet was defective and then I couldn't get myself to use the second lancet. It was beyond ridiculous, especially seeing how often I had to inject myself while TTC. I know I need to do it today and mail it in tomorrow to make sure we have the results the day of the scan, but why is it so hard to prick yourself? And who's brilliant idea was this?? Why couldn't a nurse just do it.

Another reason I'm excited about the NT scan is that after we get the results we can finally start telling people. I have some friends who are pregnant and it will be fun to tell them and go through pregnancy with them, even if they're further along. It seems a lot of people can find out the gender at the NT scan- did you find out what you were having at the scan?? This is beyond exciting for us- I can't wait to find out what our little love is.

So with those thoughts I sign off tonight from a beautifully snowy NYC eve.

ps: can't believe I'm 11 wks tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jeggings- wha?

2010-02-08T15:06:00.000-08:00

Have you ladies heard of a fabulous invention called jeggings?

They're a cross btwn leggings and denim and anytime I leave the house lately I've been living in them. They are stretchy and soooo comfortable and I wear them tucked into my comfy boots and look remotely decent. As opposed to the sweatpants look- not attractive. I plan to spend the next 7 months in these and have a decently fashionable pregnancy!!

I bought my pair randomly at Filene's but I'm sure you can order them online. Just buy them a size larger than usual (so I got a L rather than M) and they fit really comfortably around the waist. I'm so happy these are around right as I'm pregnant!!

10w3d

2010-02-07T16:30:00.000-08:00

copying some of my fellow bloggers with their quiz:

How Far Along? 10.5 Weeks!!!!!!!!!

Symptoms? Fatigue (though less than it was a few weeks ago), gagging when I brush my teeth, nausea around dinner time every day, breakouts on my face, sensitivity to smell

Total Weight Gain? Initially it looked like I'd gained 2 lbs (bloating?) but now I'm back to my original weight. The OB reccomended a total weight gain of 25 lbs for my pregnancy, which surprised me since I'm a healthy weight and I thought this was on the lower end of the spectrum. Do they always reccomend on the lower end?

Maternity Clothes? Bella band. And next weekend (with my leg healed inshallah) I want to go check out the Old Navy maternity wear sale. I haven't been to work in two weeks due to injury and have been living in leggings/sweat pants, so it may be a real shock once I wear my work pants again.

Stretch Marks? I don't think so. My skins been so dry so I've been slathering on the lotion. My whole body has really visible blue veins which fascinate me.

Sleep? Really well! Early on in my pregnancy I was suffering really bad insomnia. Then with the injury I was sleeping badly. As of this past week, I've been sleeping a full night w.o waking up. The need to pee also seems to have gone down slightly (?)

Best Moment Last Week? My first OB visit and being welcomed into the club officially. It finally feels real.

Movement? Not yet. Though if I am to admit something at the risk of everyone thinking I'm nuts, I sometimes feel these slight butterfly like flutters. Don't know what they are but I've never felt them before.

Food Cravings/Aversions? Have been having a really picky appetite (no meat, no onions, I'm digging plain things like yogurt and fruits and french fries, and anything sour - love mangoes sprinkled with lemon juice, pickles etc)

What I Miss? Sushi! That's the only thing I miss so far.

Looking Forward To? Seeing our little love again at the NT scan appointment.

Milestones? Can't believe we're 2 weeks away from 2nd Trimester!!

How Is Daddy? My husband has always been an amazing man, but lately he's been doting on me endlessly, spoiling me with massages and treats. I'm lucky to have a good man.

10 wks!!!!

2010-02-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

I still have a hard time believing that we're pregnant and that I'm in my third month!

Probably because of being in the "high risk" category for the first 9 weeks made us rather paranoid to form too much of an attachment (as if?) but the coolest thing about our first appt with the OB was that she actually congratulated us! And it was only once we left her office this past Wednesday that both husband and I were like "omg, we're really going to have a baby" :).

I cannot tell you how amazing this feels. It's the answer to our years of prayers and efforts, worth every stick of the injection and nausea inducing medication. The countless sleepless nights wondering "why me?" and the bucket loads of tears. I realise it took us much more effort than most couples but it's brought the husband and I much closer, and made us 100% sure we'll be amazing parents to our little miracle. Once the leg is healed we're planning to go out and have a proper celebration- we haven't done that yet.

The OB's office also gave me one of those 9 month planners with space for scan photos and all of that pretty stuff- it's interesting how small things like that make it all the more "real". Which I'm looking fwd to filling up with all sorts of nonsense :)

Happy Friday Friends!

9w6d- first OB visit

2010-02-03T16:14:00.000-08:00

So first OB visit went really well. I was scheduled as her last patient so it felt very unrushed. We looked over all the tests done by the RE and what others we needed to do. Over the course of the conversation I managed to get through all my questions without it feeling like I was interviewing her. Much less of a nightmare than I thought.

I've been seeing her for two years as a regular GYN, annual visit sort of thing. She gained my trust by being the one person who diagnosed my PCOS after many many visits to other doctors. She has a really relaxed attitude that inspires a level of comfort. As much as I grew to trust my RE, he always made me nervous.

The biggest surprise at today's visit was that I will only have three scans over the coming months. We'd been having one a week since we found out we're pregnant which she said was because I was qualified as "high risk" then and no longer am.

The other surprise was she's dating me at 9w6d. Not really a surprise in the sense that that is what it should be with my last period date. But because we know exactly when I ovulated the RE had placed me at 9w4d. Not that it makes a big difference- my due date is now 9/5 rather than 9/4. Not that that will mean anything.

I'm scheduled for a NT scan next week. She suggested once we'd done phase 1 and 2 of these scans that we could finally start telling people around week 17. It was almost funny how easily I just opened up my leg, and how the pap smear was a breeze after everything I've been through :)

I also have to say since being discharged by the RE, I feel far less anxiety. I asked the OB today if as a PCOS'er I had a higher MC rate, and she said once we were at this stage, she'd say we're good to go. That was so good to hear.

9w3d

2010-02-02T18:30:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I have my first OB-gyn appt. I saw the RE last week when he released me, which was kind of bitter sweet. We've grown in our relationship to one of more trust and I did not know how to thank him enough for helping us achieve our dream.

I feel woefully unprepared for tomorrow's visit and the questions I need to ask. Guess there's the list of questions on various site's I can run through. Do people really sit and "interview" their doctors? When I called to re-schedule the appt, they mentioned the doctor was out the next 10 days and that since I was already in my 10th week I needed to come in so we could also schedule my NT scan and other bloodwork.

Also had a check up with my GP for my leg and after a scare this weekend where I woke up with the sheet soaked in blood (checked my panty right away as that was my first thought) and realising I was bleeding from the wound. It's subsided somewhat, but I'm still bleeding. Today the doctor confirmed my wound is infected and put me on another cycle of antibiotics which he assures me is ok. This makes me nervous since I've even been avoiding taking any tylenol for the pain and hate the thought of having antibiotics coursing through me. He pointed out the risk of an infection would be higher. I'm going to run it by my OB tomorrow. As this would now be day 10-17 of antibiotics. Also he referred me to a surgeon as he thinks they may need to re-open the wound and check out the site of infection.

I nearly died hearing that. Just my luck, that me who has never broken a limb in my life nor ever sprained anything or sustained any sort of injury have to have this happen to me while I am pregnant. When they can't give me any thing for the pain. Fantastic.

So that is my state.

Btw after my last self-pitying post, husband encouraged me to make an appointment for some pampering. So I went to the nail salon right downstairs and got a mani & pedi :). I also walked down the block and had my hair blow-dried and you know what... I instantly felt like a million bucks. Nice what a little pampering can achieve :)

where's the glow??

2010-01-31T08:52:00.001-08:00

First the important news: I became a first time aunt early this morning! My baby niece is absolutely gorgeous and we'd be super esctatic to have our baby have a cousin so close in age except the fact that my sister lives at the opposite end of the planet in Australia!! Still SO happy for sis & b-i-l and can't wait to meet the pretty lady.

Now for the topic of my post: feeling ugly! Where is this pregnancy glow I keep reading about- apparently with the extra blood we're pumping we should have that ethereal glow. Instead I feel super unattractive. I have been breaking out (went to the dermatologists and only thing she'd give me was Finacea, which is an azelaic acid and ok for pregnancy). It hasn't helped so far, even though it's only been a few days. I've gained 2 lbs but feel as though I've gained 10. My waist area looks huge and my clothes don't fit the same.

The leg injury (still can't walk!!) may be adding to it since I'm unable to prettify myself but I feel like an absolute sloth. Not being able to go on my usual long walks and the gym makes me feel horrid.

Not to mention that husband has been treating me differently- it's almost like he's treating me with kid gloves, afraid he'll hurt me. I want my crazily affectionate husband back!

I am desperate for the "glow" to start. Pretty please. I want to feel like myself again!!

My first pregnancy gift

2010-01-29T15:56:00.000-08:00

Today I got my first pregnancy gift :)

My sister who lives in Australia and is due any day now sent this to me. It's a Preggle body pillow- I'm thinking it will be perfect for my healing leg now and perfect for once I have a bigger belly and need support.

So exciting to receive gifts- it somehow makes this feel more real.

iclw?

2010-01-28T10:08:00.000-08:00

I was going through some ICLW posts today wanting to make up for my lack of commenting while away. I posted earlier about how I struggled with the decision to take part in this month's ICLW not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable. I felt suitably fine when my blog was clearly listed as a newly pregnant IF, and thus only those ok with that would vist. However in posting comments on other's blogs, I feel quite sensitive not knowing if people still TTC will think it presumptious of me to post on theirs?

Anyone else felt this? Thoughts?

ps: enjoying my lunch break by watching "Pregnancy for dummies: third trimester" on Discovery Health- alot of good info! Will have to look up the first and second trimester ones.

8w4d

2010-01-27T18:20:00.000-08:00

So let me tell you a little story my friends. Tropical babymoon at the beach turned quickly into a nightmare. On our very first day in Mexico, I got into a freak accident. The hammock I was laying in gently somehow broke and fell to the ground. That would have been ok (just 2 feet or so) except the pole the hammock was tied to also came crashing down and one of the decorative arrows on the pole (what genius thought of that) went straight through my thigh muscle tearing a huge hole through the exterior and into the muscle. We were in mild shock initially with my husband not realising I'd been cut. It was only once I felt something sticky on my hand that we realised I was bleeding profusely. This was the scariest part as I didn't know where I was bleeding from. We screamed for help and got them to call the ambulance. Someone knew CPR and came and tied my orange scarf around the wound to stop the bleeding, which quickly turned a bright red. I felt like I was going to pass out from the blood loss but tried my best to stay alert. Husband was hugging me and we were crying thinking for sure our baby was hurt.
After what seemed like a long ambulence ride, we landed at a really modern brand new hospital (much more impressive than ER's here in NY) and was examined by a general practitioner who then had me see a surgeon. We told them from the very start I was pregnant. The surgeon had to do stitches without giving me anything- oh the pain! He gave me antibiotics afterwards and some tylenol for the pain (which did nothing :( ) Next we saw the ob-gyn who did a external sonogram on a kick ass machine that showed everything so clearly. Heart beat was a little high (188) but that flicker of it beating was the most beautiful sight. It was only after this that I breathed a sigh of relief. We are extremely aware of how it could have been a worse situation, if I'd been pierced in a vital organ or god forbid my head. Andfor that we are beyond greatful.
The hotel owners were beyond gracious and we hold no ill-will towards them. They took good care of us and were extremely apologetic. Needless to say vacation was ruined and I spent the next 2 days on a wheelchair. Still managed some sun time at the pool and make the best of the situation, which husband and I are good at.
Back in NY, today we had my doctor check out my wound today and I'm healing well, though I can't walk much and am in quite some pain. I'll have to work from home for the time being, which is ok with my work folks as we're set up to work from anywhere in the world with full access to files remotely. Also went to the OB's for the appt we'd scheduled last week after the doctor had a hard time seeing the little love. Today miraculously little one measured exactly 8w4d!! The heartbeat was 192 which sounded a little high to us, but the doctor re-assured us for all we'd been through it was nothing to worry about.
So that my friends is the story of a vacation that wasn't.
Happy to be home, to be alive, to have my little one beating hard and to catch up w/all of you.

Out of office

2010-01-22T05:48:00.001-08:00

Mexico and the beaches beckon. Have a great weekend and see you next week. xo, d

7w5d RE visit

2010-01-21T14:59:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for the overwhelmingly supportive response. This little community we have online has become such a space for comfort for me- thank you!

I was a basketcase today. I worked from home this morning since I couldn't fathom facing work people on such a day. Mid-way through the day while on an international call, I had a really long bout of nausea. I actually stood up and did a little dance :) Nausea = good.

I found a thimerosol free H1N1 location (one location in ALL of NYC!) and got that done to pass some time, and then headed to the Doctors for my appointment. On this day, already beyond worried, the wait was horribly long. Finally they called us in and then I had to wait again, this time naked in the stirrups.

FINALLY the RE appears. He slides in the wand, and voila on today of all days, the little one was playing hide and seek. Doctor couldn't really get a good look at the baby. He tried this way and that way. Finally he had me hold my breath and he heard the heartbeat (a solid 160.. it was 140 a week ago). He then tried the stomach ultrasound today to see if he could get a better look. In terms of measurements, he said he wasn't able to get a precise one but he put me at 7w3d, whereas I am actually 7w5d. He told us this was good, that the progress since a week ago when baby measured 6w3d was good.

But the look on the RE's face made me think he wasn't telling us the whole story. My guess is that he wasn't able to get as good a look and thus wasn't so confident in the measurement. Last week, he had said he'd be releasing us this week to my regular OBGYNs. But today he said he wants to see me again, once we're back from our beach trip, in a week's time. This really worried the husband, who's convinced that if all was well he wouldn't have told us to come back in a week. My husband is a worry wart but I for one will sleep well tonight and let my faith that my body knows what to do tide me over.

Hi ICLW'ers

2010-01-21T05:45:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my corner of the blog world.

I am a PCOS Insulin Resistant "Infertile" who despite countless sleepless nights of thinking it'd never happen for us, now find myself finally pregnant. My past few weeks have been as peculiar as the IF journey was, in the sense of still being wracked with worry and sleepless nights and having more anxiety that I ever did as a TTC'er.

Our journey started 2 years ago exactly when I went off the pill, and expected for the first few months to just get pregnant. I come from a long line of extremely fertile women (or you'd think that from the number of children everyone has) and I just never thought I'd be any different. After 3 months, my period was late by a few weeks. I was elated and went to the doctors, who immediately burst the elation by confirming I was not pregnant.

Instead I was losing almost half my hair, my weight had skyrocketed (10 lbs in a few months, I was 130 on a 5'5 frame, so it was really noticeable) and all concentrated around my middle section. Making people ask me if I was pregnant- oh the cruel journey that is PCOS. My skin had burst into painful cystic acne, which I'd never had before, and my face was growing hairier by the day. I was going to different doctors for the different symptoms and no one put it together. Finally after months of delayed periods, I went to my OBGYN who diagnosed me with PCOS based on the cystic appearance of my ovaries and my symptoms. This was a good six months after we started trying.

I started on Metformin starting at 500 and easing up to 2000. Those were two miserable months of constant nausea, diahrhhea. The RE (who was the most unsympathetic creature alive) told us many PCOS women get pregnant on the Metformin alone so we waited and hoped for 6 long months, which in retrospect was wasted months for us. After the one year mark of TTC, we moved onto Clomid with my OBGYN. After 3 unsuccessful months (unmonitored!) she told me we'd have to see a fertility specialist. I came home and cried that day thinking things couldn't get worse. Little did I know things were finally about to get better.

So 1 1/2 years after we started our TTC journey, I found myself in the offices of another RE specialist, this time he was one of the foremost authorities on PCOS. And though new Dr. wasn't the sweet doctor I was hoping for, he was patient, answered my questions and gave us alot of information to weigh our options. I finally felt I was in the care of someone who knew what he was doing.

We started with a bevvy of tests which showed things were good for me (ie no blocked tubes, beautiful uterus etc). I started on Clomid again, this time monitored, with a ovulation inducing injection, to make sure I ovulated. Under the OBGyn's care, I don't think I ovulated during my Clomid cycles. Still we had no success after 3 months of that, including 2 months of back to back IUIs. We finally moved onto a mixed cylce of Clomid and an injectible (Gonal F), I produced some beautiful follicles and after 2 IUIs found myself pregnant! We got our first ever BFP on a home pregnancy test on Christmas morning, and we got the Beta confirmation on my husband's birthday. It was wonderful.

Although we both recognize this miracle for what it is, I still have been suffering from incredible anxiety. I keep seeing milestones ahead of me that we need to get through before we can truly be joyful... the first beta, then the second beta.. then the sonogram... then the heartbeat... and now the second sono to see if baby is measuring right. I've promised myself I'll relax after today's appointment... but who knows. I made it through 2 years of treatment without feeling the need for a shrink, but the past month has made me seriously consider making an appointment. In some ways, having the little one makes the thought of loss all that much more devastating.

I thought of removing myself from this month's ICLW, but then I remembered how when I was at my lowest points, reading the blogs of PCOS/IF ladies who'd gotten pregnant, was the only thing that even on the darkest days kept me hopeful. If I can do that for even one person, I'll be happy. So welcome to my world and hope you enjoy following along.

7w4d

2010-01-20T16:04:00.000-08:00

tomorrow I go back to the RE's. To check how the little one is growing. RE was concerned since little bean measured 6w3d at 6w6d. We are really hoping our little love has continued to grow steadily.

I know I'll not sleep tonight and tomorrow will be torture until my appointment in the afternoon.

Pray for me please!

still pondering h1n1

2010-01-20T10:30:00.001-08:00

I'm still struggling with the H1N1 decision...

I finally decided I'd take the thimerosol/preservative free version but can't seem to locate anyone in NYC that has that vaccine. Unbelievable!

So here I am scrambling 2 days before my trip... Dr's office said to go ahead, that even the one with the mercury was fine since it's in such a low dose... And all the main sources online say the same, but it just feels uncomfortable to do anything that may hurt the little one.

Dilemma dilemma!

cranky preggers

2010-01-19T20:17:00.001-08:00

I'm only slightly done with my first trimester but I can't wait to be done with it for a few reasons:

I was chatting with my sister (who's due any day now) and she was saying how she felt a million times better once the first trimester was over- can't wait!! And I haven't even had the morningsickness, but I feel like a stranger to myself lately: I'm so highly irritable, I cry at the most random moments (including at work on Friday- so embarrasing!), and the husband and I have been squabbling over silly small things all the time it seems. Not to mention I have ZERO energy!

Other than hopefully physically feeling better 2nd trimester, I think being able to tell people and get some pregnancy sympathy will help a lot.

After a silly fight yesterday (I wanted a footrub and he said he needed to respond to some work emails, so I threw a fit about his priorities- who am I??), husband actually admitted that right now he often "forgets" I'm pregnant and that I need some special attention and he needs to forgive my silly mood spasms. He said once I start showing, he (and others) would remember to treat me more like a pregnant lady. It made sense to me- right?

Work has been absolutely nuts. I don't like talking about it on here, but my work is related to crises, so it's a really fast paced busy environment with lots of long hours. Which I'm normally really used to in my line of work, but lately my stamina is nonexistant.

Anyhow, sorry for such a pity party post... I truly am SO hugely grateful to have this miracle in my life, but I wish others would treat me with some tenderness during this special time you know? Or atleast once I am able to tell them.

to H1N1 vaccine or not?

2010-01-17T05:52:00.001-08:00

We are headed to Mexico next week for a holiday we'd planned before we found out we are having a baby.

I'm looking forward to a few days of rest, sunshine and beach time, but a little nervous about H1N1. I asked my RE at my last appt, and he gave me a quick "go ahead" saying the risks of the vaccine were far less than what would happen if you got H1N1. Reading up on the internet, it doesn't seem as easy an answer.. some say to avoid the one with preservatives... others to avoid the one with thermasol... and those that are vehemently opposed to the vaccine in the first trimester. All of this leaves a girl very confused!

I travel internationally for work quite a bit and know that I should take the vaccine. But do I take it now (before this Mexico trip) or wait until I'm done with my 1st trimester in mid Feb?

Have any of you ladies taken the vaccine? Thoughts?

Dr's visit, 6w6d

2010-01-15T09:25:00.001-08:00

Thank you all for your messages yesterday SO much. This blog has become such a place of comfort and camaraderie for me. All due to all you wonderful ladies- thank you!!

Just wanted to do an update on my doctor's visit today. I was so nervous going in and the doctor saw me as soon as I got there which I appreciated, since the wait is usually very long. Once I lied down for the sonogram, I was so distracted with worry that when the doctor looked over and smiled at me, it took me a while to realize he had the heartbeat on the speaker for us to hear. I cannot put into words what a relief that was. Little one was beating fast (140, which I understand is pretty strong for 6w6d).

But the next news wasn't as comforting... the little one is only measuring at 6w3d. Apparently doctor's leave a 3 day margin, so he said to not get too worried about it, especially since the heartbeat was strong, but that we did need to hold off on celebrating just yet. :(

He's scheduled me for another sono in a week's time, and after that if things look good, he said he'd then encourage us to celebrate.

Little bean, please grow. Mommy and daddy love you.

While he was zooming in on the sac, husband asked what the other black dot next to little bean's sac was. Doctor then proceeded to tell us we probably had the beginnings of a twin, but that it didn't develop. I really wish he'd just lied and told us it was nothing. Since it measured really small, I know it's not worth being sad about, but still makes a little sad you know.

Anyhow, so for today I am grateful that we heard a strong heartbeat. And I hope that news quells my anxiety for the time being but I know I will not rest easy until my sono next Thursday.

Fear... Anxiety... 6w5d

2010-01-14T09:45:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling incredibly anxious yesterday and today. To the point I cannot function, or think of anything else.

The "symptoms" I was having of some cramping and needing to pee often seem to have disappeared. Leaving me with no symptoms. I feel some dread and can't escape feeling like there's nothing in me. I have tried to relax and think positively, as that usually works, but that is not working for me anymore.

There's no way I can wait until next week to find out what's going on. I called the Dr's and after some fibbing about painful cramping, they scheduled me in for an appointment tomorrow morning.

Now I don't know how I'll make it the next 22 hours.

book review: the Real Deal Guide to Pregnancy

2010-01-12T08:42:00.000-08:00

I got a bunch of different books from the library to start my "research" on this new realm called being pregnant. It's just my style.. when I found out I had PCOS, I read every book under the sun. And then read everything abt Insulin Resistance... and then everything about ART.. and now it's finally my turn to read the baby books. Of the lot, so far, I've really liked the Real Deal book- it's really informal in tone and basically the information your good girlfriends would tell you (a. if you had shared your news with them, b. if they have been pregnant).

I really found it useful in relation to the other more factual pregnancy tomes, because this one is based on the author and her group of "mommy menagerie", ie real women who have actually been pregnant. I've been fretting about not having morning sickness, as all the books emphasize that, and infact according to her sample, most women didn't have morning sickness. There are also many small tips and tricks (if you're at that stage where your pant is feeling a little snug, leave it unbuttoned, but loop a rubber hand so that it doesn't create that opening bump).. etc.

I think I'll review the various books, or atleast the good ones.

ps: REALLY craving the sour stuff... In the past few days, I've practically finished a jar of pickles.

6 wks starts with a scare

2010-01-10T17:58:00.000-08:00

Last night I was tossing and turning and unable to sleep. Around 2am, I felt two sharp stabbing pains in my lower left abdomen. I hadn't felt this before. I got up and drank some water, and after it didn't happen again, I tried going to sleep.

Today afternoon, I started having mild cramping in my lower left abdomen. This lasted about 90 minutes. I felt for sure something was wrong, and started sobbing. Husb had to calm me down in a major way. After 90 minutes it dissapeared... but I'm still filled with dread.

I hear cramps are meant to be a regular part of many people's first trimester... but it is still disconcerting to not know which are the "normal" cramps and which ones are ominous. Last time I was at the dr's and he asked if I had any concerns, I offhandedly mentioned I sometimes felt some mild twitching on the left side. He looked around with the sonogram and said everything looked fine. I hope so. I am torn as to whether call the Dr and go see him tomorrow or if this is just part and parcel.

Anyone who's had cramps- was it passing or did it last this long?

Keep me in your prayers! Little bean, mama needs you to stay strong.

UPDATE: Dr's office called back. The nurse said it could either be gas, the uterus stretching or due to any strenuous activity. I'd gone to the gym after a long while the day before...

week 6

2010-01-09T17:08:00.000-08:00

Every day is a new landmark. A day I didn't know if I'd ever see, and thus am immensely grateful for.

I left the entire weekend empty as I feel the need to really take a deep breath and rest. We got a bunch of pregnancy related books that I want to read... not to mention it's freezing in New York and I'd rather be inside than anywhere else.

Symptoms: nothing new really. Had some slight nausea this afternoon, but I took a nap and it went away. I have been ravenous, but trying to eat healthy. Can you believe I seem to have gained 2 lbs in the past month?? This is worrying to me, as they say 4 lbs is what you should gain in the first trimester. This was enough to get me to go back to the gym- did 45 minutes on the stationary bike and walked on the treadmill. I still feel really cautious and don't want to over exert myself, but I realise I need to get back to moving.

I used to workout 4-5 times a week, mainly running and elliptical. But I have maybe been to the gym twice since my IUIs in early December. This is not good.

I walk to work, so that automatically gives me 40 minutes of walking a day. But I want to try to get to the gym for low-intensity excercises 3-4 times a week. And I also need to look into a pre-natal yoga class.

Have a great wknd!

musings on what to eat... use... do

2010-01-08T12:10:00.000-08:00

Maybe because we've wanted this for so long but there's not much I think I will miss during my pregnancy.

Due to my Metformin, I'd eased off the drinking for over a year now and other than the occasional glass of wine every two weeks, I haven't been regularly drinking for a long while now. So completely giving it up has been fine. Yesterday night, husband and I went out with some friends to a jazz bar and everyone was drinking but I sipped my Pellegrino with lime and was pretty content. Won't miss it.

I live a fairly "green" life, so the transition to green products and eating more organic and all of that already happened a few yrs back. So we're good to go on that front.

Due to the Insulin Resistance, I've been practicing a low glycemic diet for a while now and it comes pretty naturally at this point.

I thought I'd miss coffee but maybe it's the aversion to acidity right now, but I haven't craved coffee. I have been allowing myself one caffeinated tea a day and drinking de-caf tea other times.

The ONLY thing I know I will sorely miss (because I already do) is SUSHI. I love love love sushi and maki rolls and used to eat it atleast twice a week.

I was talking about this with my sister, who lives in a foreign country and she said her doctor said sushi was fine. The bacteria they're worried about with raw fish would get anyone sick if they consumed it, and most reputable sushi places would never risk their reputation by serving problematic raw fish. Anyhow sushi fish is always of a high quality. Women in Japan apparently eat sushi throughout their pregnancies.

This leaves me in a conundrum. Yes I do think doctors in the US are overly vigilant. It's for example pretty normal to see a pregnant woman in Europe have a guiness or a glass of wine. Everything in limited quantities and the effect on a fetus is thought to be non-existant. Also having done my Master's in gender issues, a lot of fear mongering goes back to a medical profession that doesn't put much faith in a woman's ability to moderate herself and use common sense. That resonates with me.

What do you all think? Have you followed the advice of avoiding everything to a T or have you figured out more what works for you?

ps: thought the photo was interesting. I'm guilty of the mixing the wasabi in with the soy sauce :)

speechless

2010-01-06T19:25:00.000-08:00

Today was a day I'll never forget.

Today we had our first sono appt and I saw my little bean, or atleast the sac version of our little baby.

I was overcome with so many emotions... how long we've wanted this... those nights where I was convinced it'd never happen for us... how I cried after those injections... how since our BFP our excitement has had to be contained... and I also felt an irrepressible excitement. To feel that my love affair with this little miracle has started.

Today I saw that things are going well. Today I feel the first glimmer of optimism for myself. That maybe I can worry just a tad less.

Husb and I went out to celebrate afterwards at one of our fave restaurants. Had a nice meal and giggled over our little bean's sono picture.

For once today I will allow the joy to take over, and put the little nagging voice in the back of my head on mute.

24 hr countdown

2010-01-05T13:45:00.000-08:00

24 hr countdown to Dr's appt tomorrow at 6pm.

So so anxious! I haven't been sleeping well last few nights and being back at work means no napping... And being caffeine free on no sleep is hard. I had to resort to a tea today.

I am probably 5W3D tomorrow (adjusting for later ovulation)- what was the earliest people heard a heartbeat?

I have read some people saying they heard a heart beat at 5 wks... and others saying they just saw a sac....

24 hrs... 24hrs... 24hrs...

Dreaded 3 day wait before First Dr's Appt

2010-01-03T20:54:00.000-08:00

I don't "feel pregnant".

No nausea. Or tender boobs. I actually had 2 days of that earlier on. And queasiness here and there, but my metformin causes that too.

The only "symptoms" I have are:

1. FATIGUE: like extreme fatigue. I've had a few days off for the holidays and I've been napping every afternoon for 2 hours or so. I have never in my life been a napper. In the night-time I either have a really good deep sleep or toss and turn all night, no in btwn. Being on holiday, that's been ok because I just get my 7 hrs no matter when I fall asleep. Since I head back to work tomorrow, that'll be a problem. I went to watch Avatar with Husband yesterday and I FELL ASLEEP in the theatre :)

2. Cervical mucous- I've started routinely wearing panty liners as it's really "wet" down there. I googled it and it seems to be discharge from the cervix that is preparing itself.

So that's it ladies. I almost wish for some nausea to feel reassured that everything is ok in there...

I know the next 3 days will be really anxiety inducing- I'll just have to try and stay busy at work and think of other things.

Happy first week back at work of the year everyone!

2010-01-02T17:18:00.000-08:00

Plugged my numbers into BabyMed's HCG calculator and my betas seem to be right on track for an average incline. I wish similar to the HPT there was a home beta test. I don't go in until Wednesday for my scan and don't know how I'll pass the days until then.

2009 adieu

2009-12-31T09:55:00.001-08:00

Happy New Yrs!

If it weren't for this little joy arriving at the end of the year, I would have labelled 2009 worst year ever. It was a tough year, that tested my sanity. Far too many tears... too many needles... too much raging hormones and confusion. It was also the year that our joint battle brought me and husband even closer. We celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary more in love than ever, and for that I am greatful.

And now as he dotes on me, wanting to take care of everything, it makes me realise how much we have to look forward in 2010 and how he'll be an excellent father.

My resolution for 2010 is to the focus on worrying less and enjoying the present more. I have so much that is good in my life, and though no one knows what tomorrow will bring I need to have the faith that everything will be ok.

Last night we called my parents to share the good news. They were ecstatic. Then we called my in-laws and they both started crying. It felt so good to share the news, that we know means as much to them as it does for us. They both said it was the best news to end 2009 on.

I hope 2010 brings to fruition everyone's wishes and is a less tough year than 2009. Hold tight to your hope- it works out.

Love, d

Beta #2

2009-12-30T10:07:00.001-08:00

Dr's office called with Beta #2 results:

HCG: 240 18dpo
Progesterone: they're still only saying >20.

The HCG doubled!! (It was 114 16dpo)

Can we really believe this is happening now? On Monday, Husband and I had gone out for a really nice dinner at Buddakan for his birthday. I had gotten him a bunch of gifts, which I'd left at home, but I carried one with me. A special purchase I'd made that I wondered if I'd ever be able to give to him: a Dad's that are Expecting book.

He got teary eyed. That made my night.

It still feels unreal however. I had trouble sleeping again last night and when I had to visit the loo yet again, took a HPT... Just to make sure that second line is still there. And it was... Don't know if this feeling of doubt ever goes away?

Next up: OB scan next Wednesday.

the universe has it's own ideas

2009-12-29T14:05:00.000-08:00

I had a semi-cold yesterday as the husband has had one. Last night it's gotten worse. Today it's a full fledged cold. I read that being pregnant lowers your immunity- strange how Jill had a cold right about now too. Since Husband's cold is now gone, I'm not going to worry myself about H1N1.

Though I may ask about this when I see the Dr. next week as we're heading to Mexico for a beach vacay next week.

Isn't it funny how the world conspires against you? Tired after month after month of BFN, this month I'd gone ahead and scheduled my first acunpuncture visit, a massage and signed up for a sushi making class. I've cancelled the first two and lost my $$ on the third. Now that I'm pregnant, I'm also wondering why I didn't enjoy the occassional drink... and sushi more. I won't really miss anything else other than sushi I think.

Other than the cold, I've been ravenous today. Otherwise no other symptoms.

Starting to feel anxious once again about tomorrow's beta.

I'm Pregnant!!

2009-12-28T11:31:00.000-08:00

Dr's just called back.

My HCG was 114 (today is 16dpo)
My progesterone was > 20. That's all they would say.

Need to go do some research but I believe these are good numbers!!!

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!

anxious!!

2009-12-28T06:56:00.000-08:00

For the life of me I can’t shake my anxiety. I got into bed yesterday at 11pm.. tossed and turned and finally fell asleep at 3am. After another night of not sleeping well, got up at 7am to go in for the bloodwork. They’ll call this afternoon.

I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time with this. I have been having an on-off dull pain in my lower ab since yesterday. I have it right now as well. I asked the nurse who drew my blood if I should request a sonogram with the doctor, but she said he wouldn’t be able to spot anything now anyhow. Googling shows that it can be pretty normal to have some pain, and as long as it’s not accompanied by spotting, it’s safe.

Any of the recently pregnant ladies, feel this?

We want this so bad. I want to share the good news with my husband, who’s birthday it is today… and I want to enjoy this! But I just can’t seem to shake my anxiety. This is almost worse than the 2WW.

Please please keep me in your prayers, and hope for a good HCG and Progesterone number.

PCOS curse

2009-12-27T16:46:00.000-08:00

So I am going in early tomorrow morning for bloodwork to confirm whether or not I'm pregnant.

I'm anxious.

I assume they'll check for HCG and Progesterone but I want to make sure everything is as good as it should be.

Ladies- was there anything else you tested for? When was the first ultrasound? I almost wish it'd be tomorrow, to get some sort of confirmation that everything is ok in there.

As happy as this news is for us, we haven't been able to celebrate in the elated fashion I thought we would. There's still the small nagging fear that things may not go the way we want... The curse of PCOS I suppose- you wait so long for this and yet there's still that nagging doubt. Starting today I've been doing a HPT every few hours... taking my temperature every few hours... Checking my panties to make sure AF hasn't decided to make an appearance... Dreading anything change. Ugh, wish I could just enjoy this.

2009-12-27T09:38:00.001-08:00

another faint positive yesterday... and this morning a slightly darker faint positive. Period should have arrived, but hasn't.

Symptoms:
Sore breasts- wow, had no clue you'd feel it so soon. It hurts to the touch and being someone that's never slept with a bra on, that is no longer possible. Any movement and they hurt.

More frequent urination: I've never had to wake up in the middle of the night and pee, now I do

strange tummy aches: not really cramps... more similar to the ulcer pain I'd feel when I had ulcers... this was more right before/after implantation, but for about 4-5 days I had pretty bad lower ab pain. I didn't think it was anything related to this, because it didn't feel like anything I'd experienced in TTC before..

Slight on-off nausea: it's usually later in the day, but nothing unbearable. Perhaps because I have so much practice from Metformin nausea?

Waiting now not very patiently for bloodwork tomorrow... btw which is also Husband's birthday :)

2009-12-25T20:06:00.001-08:00

so couldn't help myself and did another POAS tonight and it was still only faint... almost even less faint than this morning... I suppose morning pee has higher concentration of HCG?

Period was supposed to arrive Saturday. I am dying to go to the Dr's for bloodwork but will need to wait until Monday.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

is this a positive?

2009-12-25T08:30:00.000-08:00

This is more than I have ever had. I see a faint positive. Internet research says that there's no such thing as a false positive.

Could this be my Xmas miracle?

(ps: pic is a little crap.. it's a little darker in real life)

2ww hell

2009-12-22T19:23:00.000-08:00

today is 10dpo.

I couldn't help myself yesterday and POAS last night. This was after 90 minutes of uncomfortable cramping earlier in the evening. It was a BFN.

Perhaps too early too test?

It's been a strange month post ovulation. I've been having a lot of stomach pain, it comes and goes. My lower abdomen is also really tender and usually we sleep with husband embracing me with his hand ending up across my abdomen. I can't stand it anymore- it almost hurts.

I've also been breaking out. Normally I break out a ton while on clomid, but once the 5 days are over and I've O'd I have clear skin the remainder of the month. This month I still have zits all over. Ugh.

I feel bloated. I pray and hope this isn't pre-period bloating, but today (4 days before expected period) I had a hard time feeling comfortable in my work pants.

It's so hard not to analyse these symptoms ... to do internet research on symptoms... I've decided with enough googling you can find someone out there that manifests each and every symptom you've had... It's easy to self-delude...I do know that if things don't work this month I will be crushed. This month it's been hard not to have increased expectations, as we had the best month yet in terms of follies, sperm, lining etc, b2b IUIs...

Husband and I decided to host a New Years eve party at our place this year and have invited over some 12 or so close friends to celebrate with. I am thinking now that this may have been a bad idea as I will be in no mood to celebrate if we don't have a BFP.

What's the earliest dpo people have gotten a positive ??

hola

2009-12-22T13:00:00.001-08:00

Welcome ICLW’ers!

It’s my first month participating in this. I created this blog a few months ago but it’s only recently that I have been regularly posting on here. As my little outlet in cyber-space to vent, ponder and just be.

Our story:

I married the most wonderful man 5.5 years ago. Our first 3.5 years we were happy to just enjoy married life together, and started TTC 2 years ago on a lark actually. I was running out of birth control pills and we were about to embark on a long international trip together, so we thought what the hell, let’s do it. Granted we felt financially, emotionally and over all ready to be parents.

So I was ok for 2 months or so before my body was overtaken by frightening symptoms: horrible cystic acne, a lot of my hair falling out, my period disappearing for months at a time and weight gain all centered around the abdomen. I’d gone to see a dermatologist about the acne, and cruelly she wouldn’t give me anything if I were TTC. I went to my GP about the hair loss, he suggested it was part of getting older (?). I was so extremely confused. Some six months later, I finally went to see my OBGyn about the missing periods, and as soon as she heard my symptoms she diagnosed me as PCOS with Insulin Resistance, further confirmed by blood work and a sonogram. We spent a few months in her treatment and that of a RE she referred me to, who had me start on Metformin, which I have taken 2000mg of for 16 months now. The OBGyn had me do two cycles of Clomid, which were both unmonitored. We were told to have timed intercourse, that too without any real information on when to “time” it.

We spent a good year with her… hoping the metformin would kick in.. hoping the clomid would work… Finally at our wits end, we went to see a RE that came highly recommended as the PCOS man in NYC. I’ve seen him for 6 months now. We’ve done 2 more cycles of Clomid but with Ovidrel and sonogram monitoring, we did another month just now of clomid + gonal F + ovidrel. I’m currently in my 2WW… hoping and praying…

So that’s my story. This has been a really lonely journey for me as I haven’t chosen to share it with very many people. I’m hoping to find a community online, and hope ICLW is the start of that.