here we go again

Hello- anyone out there?!

It's been a long while since I last posted- update in short:

we've been busy enjoying our wonderful daughter and life.  Aftter the harrowing two year ordeal that was trying to get pregnant and the overwhelming anxiety once pregnant, the following two years has been just blissful.

Our baby has just been a gift- she was a relatively easy baby and it's only now with the terrible two's that we're finding parenthood a little more challenging.  She's vivacious, and spirited and just pure joy.  I resigned from work after my maternity leave, and spent a year at home with her.  Which was just amazing (challenging but amazing).  I returned back to work after she turned one, and have been back at work for over a year now.  It's been a challenge running a household, working a demanding job and being a present parent- but thankfully with a fantastic nanny and my uber-husband, we've made it work. We're still traveling (just got back from Mexico!) and enjoying life in Manhattan.

...

until we started talking about Numero Dos.

For us the motivating factor is wanting our daughter to have a sibling.  I don't miss the being pregnant or newborn phase, but we really want a brother/sister for R.

So we tried "normally", in the sense that I wasn't on any birth control, and although we didn't feel 100% ready we figured if it happened, that would be great. Well nothing happened. 

Then I started using a ovulation predictor kit and realised I was actually ovulating, and a visit to the Fertility Specialist delivered the verdict that everything looked good inside. I was having regular periods, and ovulating so he suggested we give it a bit longer.

Three months later of seriously trying, we started back with the injectibles and will be doing an IUI.

This cocktail of clomid + Gonal F + Ovidrel + IUI worked on the first try for us last time, so I'm really hoping it will be equally succesful this time.

I hate being back in the stirrups and injecting myself, but at the same time, having our daughter now, I don't feel the soul crushing desperation that I did last time around. 

So please keep your fingers crossed for us!

getting back in shape

Today Birdie slept an extra long nap giving me some time to get ready for a lunch date I had with a friend.

I love Fall, and fall clothes. I was super excited to have the time to actually think about what I was going to wear seeing I've been living in my maternity leggings and jeans. But lo and behold nothing really fit. Ok I wasn't expecting jeans to fit, but I thought for sure my pre-pregnancy jeggings or fitted shirts would. Um no. I had no clue my thighs increased in size so much since the jeggings refused to go beyond that area. And who knew my boobs had grown so much - none of the fitted shirts I tried fitted right. Wow a real wake up call.

I want to preface this by saying the process of pregnancy and giving birth gave me a whole new appreciation for just what my body is capable of. Like most women, I've had a love-hate relationship with my weight most of my life, but I was at an all time low with the toll PCOS/infertility took on it and the sense of feeling like my body was failing me. So I'm going to keep my goals realistic and in no way allow it to become obsessive. That being said I'd still like to return to a healthier weight for myself.

Yesterday marked 6 weeks since Birdie's birth and I have to admit I've been eating like crap. I've had little time to think about what I eat, and though I'm not eating a whole lot I'm surely getting extra calories from the cookies, bagels and donuts that have become too regular for comfort. It's not good for my insulin resistance and it surely can't be good for her either.

I want to commit to being a little more mindful of my eating habits. Now with 6 weeks behind us, motherhood isn't as overwhelming as it was, so I should be able to carve out some time for myself to plan meals in advance and to head to the gym.

Today keeping this in mind I handed Birdie over to husband when he got home (with a bottle of pumped milk in the fridge if needed) and headed downstairs to the gym. I have absolutely no excuse seeing I have a full fledged gym in my apartment building.

I'm starting slowly: 30 minutes on the treadmill. At a pace that actually got me sweating a little. And you know what? It felt really good. I am thinking of doing one of those from couch to 5k training things- it'll keep me movitated and challenge me.

I read that losing 1.5lbs/wk while breast feeding is totally ok. So this will be my goal for the 2olbs I'd like to lose. I'll let you know how it goes. Slow and steady wins the race!

we have a sleeper

It's been a solid month now that our little Birdie sleeps a solid 7 hours straight most night. Some nights it's 6 hours, some nights even 8 hours. Last night she slept 7 hours at which point I took her out of her crib to nurse her (more because my breasts were bursting with milk and painful). She nursed while still sleeping for 10 minutes and then pushed my nipple away. I put her back in her crib and it was another 3 hours before she woke up. Amazing right?!

She is a great night time sleeper, but daytime had been an issue. With her falling asleep at my lap and waking up as soon as she was put down. Now she gets about 2-3 naps a day (averaging about 2 hours each). Sometimes I put her on her tummy to nap, and other times I just let her nap on my lap on the Breast Friend while I am on the computer and other times she naps in her swing. During her awake hours she nurses constantly to make up for feedings, and when she's not eating she's become quite alert and interactive. We can actually leave her on her activity mat or in her crib (she LOVES her mobile) and as long as she's not hungry, she'll sit and "play" on her own for 30 minutes or so. Other times we just love holding her, singing to her, dancing with her, speaking with her etc.

I finally feel like I have the hang of this motherhood thing a bit better now (should I even say this?). We've become a lot more social, Birdie and I. My work place is a 15 minute walk from our apartment, so I've been meeting work friends for lunch or some friends have been stopping by the apartment to say hi. We've been doing weekly playdates (more for us at this point than the babies) once a week with one of my good friends who is also a new mommy. I was intially nervous about taking Birdie to a restaurant and attempting to eat lunch/have a conversation but she's been great. I've been sticking to some restaurants close by that have wide enough aisles for my wide bassinet stroller. I make sure to feed Birdie before we leave, and take a bottle of pumped milk with me to feed her if she needs it while we're lunching. Most times she's perfectly content looking around in her bassinet, mixed in with being held by me and my friends. We try and get out of the house almost every day for a short walk around the neighborhood. Having a bottle to take with me has made me a lot more confident about leaving the house!!

This is not to say it's at all easy (because it definitely isn't!!) but it is to say that things have gotten less overwhelming than in the beginning. And I'm actually starting to enjoy all of this and not wonder as much how we'll get through it. Part of it is us knowing our little baby and her cues better, part of it is being more confident in my own mothering abilities and a big part of it is also being acclimated to our new lives and routines.

Adventures in pumping

... who knew this would be so challenging? Is it just me or is there SO much to read about every topic, with everything (from the Bjorn to soothing a fussy baby) requiring a phD to master?

I had wanted to hold out on pumping until atleast 3 weeks to give my milk a chance to come in and establish a nursing bond with my daughter without bringing in the pump. Last week I finally brought out my Medela InStyle Advanced (two boobs at once!) and excitedly tried pumping.

Test 1: My excitement quickly turned to dissapointment- I wasn't expecting a full bottle, but I was definitely thinking it'd be more than .75 ounces (combined from both breasts, for a 15 minute pump session)?! Especially since I've been soaking my breast pads, and Birdie had seemed to be perfectly nursing at each session. Not to mention, she awoke early from her nap and wanted to nurse 20 minutes after I'd pumped and I don't think she got enough milk despite nursing longer than usual, leaving me one cranky baby. I'd read that babies were much better at getting milk out of the breast and pumping 30 mins before feeding still left enough milk for the baby? I guess not.

Test 2: I did some reading of tips online and tried pumping after she'd nursed, to build my supply and encourage more milk production. Day 2 results: after 3 day time sessions (for abt 10 minutes each time), I had about 2 ounces total and Birdie wasn't cranky since she'd already fed.

Test 3: My baby girl sleeps 6-7 hours straight night time, so I thought I'd pump 3 hours after she'd fallen asleep, thinking this would be 3 hours before she awoke and my breasts are usually heavy and painful when I finally nurse her. A 15 minute session got me 2 ounces of milk which was exciting, but for some reason baby girl awoke an hour after I'd pumped, and from my observation I don't think she got enough milk. I ended up feeding her 1 ounce (of the 2 I'd just pumped) after she'd nursed on both breasts. It was only after this that our crying baby fell back asleep.

I now have about a 4 ounce bottle sitting in the fridge, which seems enough for one short outing. So I haven't done any pumping today. Which I know isn't a good idea in terms of encouraging milk production, but I feel guilty since I seem to be not feeding my baby enough by trying to pump simultaneously?

Birdie had her 4 week appointment today and she's gained the right amount of weight (1 pound in two weeks) so she's obviously getting enough nutrition and I'm producing enough milk. But any tips for how I simultaneously nurse her and try storing some away?

What's worked for you ladies to get more milk? When to pump? For how long?

My Medela has an automatic "let down" function every few minutes it seems. And I've been pumping at the 5 of 7 levels, which is as high as i can tolerate without it being overly painful. Already drinking tons of water, eating oatmeal daily, and eating a healthy diet.

24 days

What's new in Birdie land? Isn't it a wonder how much a newborn changes daily! Each day, she is becoming more and more interactive. Yesterday I was greeting her post-nap with my usual huge smile and "mommy loves you" repeated in silly voices and I got a tiny smile back. I quickly called her daddy, and she did it again leaving me and husband jumping for joy. Oh how your definition of "success" changes. Lately give me several wet diapers and chubbier by the day cheeks and I feel like I'm having the best day ever.

I've been feeling slightly lonely recently- we still are not going out much, other than for walks around the neighborhood and I'd been mostly discouraging visitors trying to get a hang of Birdie's needs/routine first and it's easier dealing with her fussy moods without guests around. Today I had my pregnancy buddy (who's little boy is two months old) come over for a play-date and she was absolutely surprised at how alert and active Birdie is. She loves being held up with her chin resting on my shoulder and observing the world with her neck held straight. Our little one came out of my womb eyes wide open, and she was lifting her neck from day one. Now she turns her head to follow noises, makes eye contact and stares for long periods of time with an intense gaze and new faces/art work... I'm also feeling far more confident about having folks over, so we are going to start having friends over more often now.

So we're doing better, both her and I. I feel like every day is a learning day, and we're surely (albeit slowly) learning how to read her moods, how to soothe her etc. Not saying by any means that I'm an expert, but somethings that have helped recently:

• white noise: husband discovered that Birdie loved the sound of the faucet on when she was having one of her crying fits. Since then I've downloaded the white noise app on my iPhone and she falls asleep well to the sound of waves or rain fall. It's been a life saver
• sleeping on her tummy: I know this one is controversial but we realised that the reason our little one may be so fussy day time is that she wasn't napping at all. She'd fall asleep nursing and would sleep on my lap but as soon as I put her down in her crib, she'd be awake a few minutes later. Now I let her sleep on my lap for longer until she's in deep sleep, and for one afternoon nap I transfer her to my bed and lay her on her belly. I get a book and sit on the bed next to her and keep a close eye on her. She sleeps really well this way and gets in atleast one afternoon 2 hour nap. She's been a whole lot unfussier as a result. My mom said when we were babies, we usually slept on our bellies and that it really helps a baby with intestinal issues/gas etc. Whatever it is- it works!
• Burping: I'd try burping her and sometimes she's let one out, but often times after a minute or two I'd give up. Now I make sure to get a good burp out of her after each feeding. New positions have helped: for Birdie, bouncing her in my lap for a few seconds and then cupping her chin and leaning her over slightly seem to work usually. The position I was taught with her resting on my shoulder, tapping her back rarely worked for us.
• Not over stimulating her: it goes against instinct. Usually when she's fussy, we'd try everything under the roof to see if it'd work, and in doing that overstimulate her even more it seems. Now we try to keep things as calm as possible and maybe try one or two things at most, and she calms down easier
• Evening massage time: I use warm organic extra virgin olive oil and give my little one a gentle massage. Back home, babies get massages twice a day and it is said to help with everything from circulation to easing their growing pains and aid in relaxing them. We've started giving Birdie a massage each evening to establish some resemblance of a routine- I'll nurse her around 9pm, we'll do a massage, diaper change, pajamas, and then one more feeding before rocking her to sleep around 11pm. She sleeps really well after this.

These are small tricks that have worked for us. It's interesting how each baby is so different- after a few fussy evenings, we offered her a pacifier and she wouldn't take it (tried Avent, Nuk, Soothie..). She also doesn't like the Swing that so many blog parents have raved about.

My breast pump arrived today so I'm beyond excited to try that out and hopefully become more mobile as a result. Last weekend, husband and I ventured a little further from home than we had with Birdie and went to do some cold weather clothing shopping for her. She was behaving fine, so we even bought some coffee and falafel sandwiches to enjoy in the park. I used my nursing cape to feed her in public (a first! and it wasn't so bad other than my aching arms...). I was glad to see I was fine doing this, but I still think pumping will be easier in NY. Especially now as it gets chillier.

So that's our update. My little one has been sleeping 6-8 hours straight most nights (we checked with her dr and she said up to 8 hours was fine and not to wake her up to feed her!!) which has been amazing. Granted I'm still getting up every hour or two to check on her, but it's still amazing. She is usually famished when she does wake up and I think we make up for it day time by having lots and lots of nursing time.

In short that is how we're doing- I've never been more tired, and at times I miss mini-aspects of my pre-baby life (dying to go Fall shopping!!) but each and every day with Birdie is so much fun and I'm loving motherhood. Especially as we learn more about our babe and how to keep her calm and happy :)

2 weeks

(husband and Birdie, hand in hand)

My little Birdie is 16 days today. I still have a hard time believing it. On the one hand, it feels like she's been ours forever. On the other, when I was uploading her just born photos online, I couldn't believe how much she'd changed already. Time seems to be going just too fast!

We haven't had too many visitors, still getting used to our new family unit, and Birdie's unpredictable schedule.. But the other day, my good friend H who had a baby 2 months ago stopped by with her little man. I'd seen him when he was two weeks old, and it blew both me and my friend away how huge he looked in comparision to Birdie (who looked teeny tiny at 7.3 lbs). As gorgeous as he looked and as envious as I was of his playfullness, it hit me just how she won't be by tiny newborn for very much longer (sniff).



...Thanks ladies for inquiring how we're doing. I am doing fine- first two weeks I had the typical soreness and tiredness but I think all things considered, I did pretty well in terms of recovery. I was definitely overwhelmed and may just now be getting out of the "dazed" phase but I feel good physically. The big thing for me is sleep, and (knock on wood) Birdie's been sleeping a good 5-6 hour stretch every night for the past ten days. I've gotten better at falling asleep when she does. Once she wakes, I change her diaper, nurse her, and on good days she goes right back to sleep for another 3 hours, and on not so good days, I'll have to rock her and she'll fall back asleep after an hour or so. Still, I consider myself incredibly blessed to be getting 6-7 hours of sleep a night with a newborn! Armed with some sleep, I find myself far better able to deal with the day to day crazyness of life with a newborn.



So how is Birdie doing... First few days, she was fine. Then my milk came in (I seem to be a milk producing machine) and she gained the weight she had lost after birth. Her poo became the yellow mucuousy dream poo they tell you to look out for, she was napping day time, and sleeping night time. And then bam all of a sudden around day 10 she's become fussy. I think our poor girl is having reflux issues, so after talking to the nurse at the Pediatrician's, I've started feeding her on a slight incline, keeping her upright 5-10 minutes after feeding and placing her head on a soft baby pillow. It seems to have helped, and some days she's an absolute angel, and others, she won't nap and tires herself out. Yesterday for ex (my second day home alone), from 7am-5pm we basically did this routine: diaper change, feed, she falls asleep at my nipple after 10 minutes, I rock her and when I transfer her to her crib, she awakens almost immediately, and starts wailing. The only thing that comforts her is to be fed more... Everyone and their mother tells you to get them to feed longer, but it's easier said then done.



While pregnant, I had this image that we'd go on walks and I'd still be out and about with my newborn, but with her constant feeding (and my not being very comfortable with feeding in public), and my seemingly thin skin when she cries, means we've been staying home mostly. In the evenings, we'll take her for a stroll in her pram, but I only seem to be able to do that if husband is with me. I am trying to hold out until she's three weeks old to pump and am hoping after that we'll be much more mobile. I even gave in and offered her a pacifier the other day after hours of wanting to suckle, and she wouldn't take it. It was the Avent Silicone newborn one. I'm thinking maybe I'll try another brand for when she's super fussy.



I don't mean to make it all sound bad. This morning, Birdie and I danced around to Beyonce for a good twenty minutes. Each and every time I look at her sweet face, it still takes my breath away. I greet her with a kiss each and every time she awakens wanting to be fed, because I am in still in awe this little being is ours. Diaper change isn't as gross as they make it out to be (I even enjoy our little diaper change song :). And when your little one smiles (even if it may not be a real smile) the way your heart melts is unlike anything else...But I also want to be truthful about how hard motherhood has been. If she doesn't cry, I have endless patience and could probably rock her 24 hours a day if need be. But something changes within me when she cries and I can't soothe her, I seem to loose it :(



So a few questions for you new mothers:

when did you start leaving the house regularly with your newborn?

any tips for soothing a fussy baby?

what do you do when your baby wails in public?



I also just want to say that with all the time I spend nursing, I'm glued to my iPhone and read all your blog posts... just haven't figured out how to comment using the iPhone Blogger app. So even if I've been silent on here, I've been lurking on your blogs :)

Little Love is here

Our little miracle arrived Sept 13 in the evening. She is every bit as wonderful as we'd imagined.

After two nights in the hospital, we came home and have been busy since getting to know each other. And learning all about parenthood and understanding our daughter.

It's been... hard. Everyone tells you it will be, but for me the "surprise" was more how hard it has been to manage both my own body's healing/changes and the needs of our little baby. All things considered, we're doing pretty well. Especially on nights where little love sleeps 5 hours straight (this happened last night!!).

It's also been... fun. She is absolutely beautiful and interactive, and came out of the womb eyes wide open. And has been exactly the personality I'd envisioned her to be from her movements in my belly (stubborn, strong, a bit diva ;).

I have started and saved her birth story so many times... just haven't gotten to finish it. So I thought I'd atleast update you all to know she's arrived, and that we're doing wonderful.