about infertility

heart break

today I encountered heart break.

I got my period. This was the first time since we started our fertility journey that I felt everything was in place, and it had to work. This time.

We did the clomid. We did the ovidrel. I abstained from drink all month. I patted my belly, thinking positive thoughts. Wanting so much for everything to turn out right. I had the implantation cramps on the right day, my temperature was up each morning... I even had some nausea.

And then yesterday morning my temperature dipped, and dipped further today. We knew it had come to an end. And still I took a pregnancy test this morning, the nausea leading me to. It was negative. In the middle of the day at work, period arrived. Kicking a big hole in my heart.

It was an awful day. I feel hope-less. I fell gutted. I feel devoid of energy to continue this battle with my womb.

Acupuncture?

a fellow blogger recommended the Infertility Cure, a book about Traditional Chinese Medicine (acupuncture, herbs etc) and it is a fascinating read. Seeing I'm only a few chapters in, I probably should be more cautious in my enthusiasm, but wtf. It's convinced me enough to research acupuncturists that treat for PCOS in my city.

Thankfully living in NYC there's a plethora of them!

I'm thankful for that.

2 ww

Starting this afternoon, I've had an almost constant dull pain in my stomach. It takes turns in terms of sides, but it's been constant.

As it's either 7-8 days post ovulation, could it be implantation cramping?

Walking out of elevator and towards my apartment, I got a whiff of the strong smelling curry my neighbor was cooking. As much of a curry lover as I am, I felt incredibly nauseous and ran towards my apartment.

Are these symptoms we imagine as we complete the 2 week wait?

I've been having terrible terrible nausea all morning. One of the most cruel aspects of PCOS and being on Metformin has been the nausea- No you're not blessed with a child, but you still have to suffer the side-effects.

Today it takes a whole other meaning as we're waiting to see what happened this cycle...

98.33

My temperature is up.

I've charted in the past, but I always stopped charting once the temperature went up to indicate ovulation and then re-started post-period. So I don't quite know how typically long my temperature stayed up in the past.

In doing research it seems some women's temperature goes down immediately post-O and a high temperature means conception. Other research says some women just stay at a high temperature until their period.

I wish I had charts to compare from prior months to see what it'd been... this waiting and guessing is killing me.

this waiting is painful.

I may have O'd last Thursday, Friday or Saterday. I have my suspicions it was Friday.

That means it's been 3 days since.

And initially I felt some cramping/weirdness post Ovidrel, but now I don't feel anything.

Now wait I must for 11 more days.

To find out.

The waiting is the hardest.

ovidrel... and was this the big O?

I went in Thursday for the day 18 sonogram. There were mature follicles on both ovaries- one on each side. Best case scenario materialised said the dr. :)

So I left the dr's with a smile on my face for the first time. Ever.

Came home in the evening, and was dreading the ovidrel shot. We had guests over for dinner, and I almost missed the 6-10pm window they'd reccomended I take it during. I rushed into my room, took a motrin, applied an ice pack for a few minutes and then steadied my shaking hands and took the plunge. It was surprisingly painless!

The aftermath has been more painful. After the shot, I was crampy last night and it felt like a squeaky machine was being turned on after a long time off- that might be a strange analogy but that's the best way I can describe it. Today I felt super bloated and my jeans that are usually large at the waist felt snug. I had light cramping all day long, and for an hour this evening really hard cramping. Double over in pain cramping. It faded after an hour.

Could that have been the big O?

hmmmmmmmmmm

I'm a little puzzled.

So I took clomid (150mg) days 8-12. I saw the doctor again and he asked me to come in on Day 18 for my sonogram. This sounds too late to me in terms of then taking the ovidrel shot. I asked 3 times if this was correct information- two on the spot, and called back once again to have this confirmed. All three times he said, yes, come back on day 18.

I have no reason not to trust the dr, and accept that me must have a reason. And yet I don't want to lose another month.

the joys of clomid

so this new doctor is taking a much more monitored approach with clomid.

i was meant to start taking it last month, but as it was my 30th birthday and I had a month full of friends and family visiting, we decided to take a break for July.

Come August I was ready and energized to start.

I went in for my sonogram and the dr cleared me to start taking clomid. Come day 5, I take 3 pills (150mg total). Come day 6 I take 3 pills again. Same thing day 7. I started feeling quite unwell morning of day 7 and noticed I wasn't having any of the sideeffects I'd had previous months with clomid. So I take a look at the pills and couldn't believe what I'd done!!

Clomid pills come in a smaller box than my huge jars of metformin. so for the ease of having a small vial with them in my mini-purses, i'd cleaned and transferred some metformin into a jar that had previously held Clomid. I forgot to remove the label. So this month I was taking my regular 4 tablets of metformin a day, plus another 3 thinking it was clomid!!

It was Sunday night and husband and I panicked not entirely sure what to do.

I called the dr's first thing Monday morning and they told me to start taking clomid with day 8. I am meant to go in for a follow up sonogram day 12, which also will be day 5 of taking clomid. I've gotten a prescription for Ovidrel filled. So depending on when the sonogram shows I'm ready, I will get injected with the ovidrel to release any eggs and apparently been told when to have intercourse.

As aggressive as Dr. S's treatment course seems (atleast in terms of the many dr visits/tests), I'm hopeful that this will lead us to a solution.

HSG..SIS... oh my

two rounds of Clomid and confusing results. Any charting I'd been doing went out the window as the months I took clomid my charts were not typical. The first ultrasound showed I'd ovulated though my progesterone test was really low. The second month, they couldn't even ascertain I had ovulated and the doctor remarked she should have had me do bloodwork too. Another month down the drain.

After the experience of clomid with my Gyn, we decided we needed to see a specialist. She was obviously in over her head and didn't know what else to do with me. In reading about clomid, I knew she should have monitored me more than she did.

So on the basis of reccomendations from the ladies posting at SoulCysters I went to see one of the foremost PCOS experts in NY, who is a RE. He went over my history said I was medium in the spectrum of PCOS- not the extreme end, but not mild either. He said he'd need me to do a range of tests to be in his treatment and that I should continue with the Metformin, and do another few months of clomid. Here are the various tests he's having me do:

PCOS Panel:
this was easy enough...albeit time consuming. I had blood drawn... drank a glucose solution and then had blood drawn again exactly two hours later. results pending.

Preconception Lab Panel:
which included genetic testing, for SMA, Fragile x etc. Not exactly sure on the reason for the genetic testing, but as this dr also does IVF, I think it may be to diagnose all ailments that could affect a possible pregnancy. Blood was also drawn for Estradiol, FSH, Amh etc.

My husband similarly had his version of the preconception lab panel, including blood work and a sperm test.

HSG:
I had this procedure done today. And was dreading it to the point of having mini-panic attacks and being tempted to cancel it up to an hour before. I'd read the varying accounts of other's experience with this and the range of reactions (worse than childbirth to not any worse than a papsmear) had me confused... I followed the women's advice to medicate (1000 mg tylenol night before, 1000 mg two hours before)... Truth be told, other than the humiliating position (feet high up in stirrups) and some mild discomfort (a little more than a papsmear) I didn't feel much. I didn't feel any thing different when the dye was inserted. I had lasik done and that was far more painful in comparision. This may have been due to the tylenol, or due to a very empathetic team of dr/nurse. Anyhow, it wasn't any where close to as bad as I was expecting. In fact, rather than a cab as I'd planned, I rode the subway back home :)

SIS: being the masochist I am I have scheduled the SIS test for tomorrow. A day after the HSG. This is meant to be less painful than the HSG so I think I will be ok. I'll update on how it went.