Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009 adieu

Happy New Yrs!

If it weren't for this little joy arriving at the end of the year, I would have labelled 2009 worst year ever. It was a tough year, that tested my sanity. Far too many tears... too many needles... too much raging hormones and confusion. It was also the year that our joint battle brought me and husband even closer. We celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary more in love than ever, and for that I am greatful.

And now as he dotes on me, wanting to take care of everything, it makes me realise how much we have to look forward in 2010 and how he'll be an excellent father.

My resolution for 2010 is to the focus on worrying less and enjoying the present more. I have so much that is good in my life, and though no one knows what tomorrow will bring I need to have the faith that everything will be ok.

Last night we called my parents to share the good news. They were ecstatic. Then we called my in-laws and they both started crying. It felt so good to share the news, that we know means as much to them as it does for us. They both said it was the best news to end 2009 on.

I hope 2010 brings to fruition everyone's wishes and is a less tough year than 2009. Hold tight to your hope- it works out.

Love, d

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Beta #2

Dr's office called with Beta #2 results:

HCG: 240 18dpo
Progesterone: they're still only saying >20.

The HCG doubled!! (It was 114 16dpo)

Can we really believe this is happening now? On Monday, Husband and I had gone out for a really nice dinner at Buddakan for his birthday. I had gotten him a bunch of gifts, which I'd left at home, but I carried one with me. A special purchase I'd made that I wondered if I'd ever be able to give to him: a Dad's that are Expecting book.

He got teary eyed. That made my night.

It still feels unreal however. I had trouble sleeping again last night and when I had to visit the loo yet again, took a HPT... Just to make sure that second line is still there. And it was... Don't know if this feeling of doubt ever goes away?

Next up: OB scan next Wednesday.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

the universe has it's own ideas

I had a semi-cold yesterday as the husband has had one. Last night it's gotten worse. Today it's a full fledged cold. I read that being pregnant lowers your immunity- strange how Jill had a cold right about now too. Since Husband's cold is now gone, I'm not going to worry myself about H1N1.

Though I may ask about this when I see the Dr. next week as we're heading to Mexico for a beach vacay next week.

Isn't it funny how the world conspires against you? Tired after month after month of BFN, this month I'd gone ahead and scheduled my first acunpuncture visit, a massage and signed up for a sushi making class. I've cancelled the first two and lost my $$ on the third. Now that I'm pregnant, I'm also wondering why I didn't enjoy the occassional drink... and sushi more. I won't really miss anything else other than sushi I think.

Other than the cold, I've been ravenous today. Otherwise no other symptoms.

Starting to feel anxious once again about tomorrow's beta.

Monday, December 28, 2009

I'm Pregnant!!

Dr's just called back.

My HCG was 114 (today is 16dpo)
My progesterone was > 20. That's all they would say.

Need to go do some research but I believe these are good numbers!!!



For the life of me I can’t shake my anxiety. I got into bed yesterday at 11pm.. tossed and turned and finally fell asleep at 3am. After another night of not sleeping well, got up at 7am to go in for the bloodwork. They’ll call this afternoon.

I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time with this. I have been having an on-off dull pain in my lower ab since yesterday. I have it right now as well. I asked the nurse who drew my blood if I should request a sonogram with the doctor, but she said he wouldn’t be able to spot anything now anyhow. Googling shows that it can be pretty normal to have some pain, and as long as it’s not accompanied by spotting, it’s safe.

Any of the recently pregnant ladies, feel this?

We want this so bad. I want to share the good news with my husband, who’s birthday it is today… and I want to enjoy this! But I just can’t seem to shake my anxiety. This is almost worse than the 2WW.

Please please keep me in your prayers, and hope for a good HCG and Progesterone number.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

PCOS curse

So I am going in early tomorrow morning for bloodwork to confirm whether or not I'm pregnant.

I'm anxious.

I assume they'll check for HCG and Progesterone but I want to make sure everything is as good as it should be.

Ladies- was there anything else you tested for? When was the first ultrasound? I almost wish it'd be tomorrow, to get some sort of confirmation that everything is ok in there.

As happy as this news is for us, we haven't been able to celebrate in the elated fashion I thought we would. There's still the small nagging fear that things may not go the way we want... The curse of PCOS I suppose- you wait so long for this and yet there's still that nagging doubt. Starting today I've been doing a HPT every few hours... taking my temperature every few hours... Checking my panties to make sure AF hasn't decided to make an appearance... Dreading anything change. Ugh, wish I could just enjoy this.

another faint positive yesterday... and this morning a slightly darker faint positive. Period should have arrived, but hasn't.

Sore breasts- wow, had no clue you'd feel it so soon. It hurts to the touch and being someone that's never slept with a bra on, that is no longer possible. Any movement and they hurt.

More frequent urination: I've never had to wake up in the middle of the night and pee, now I do

strange tummy aches: not really cramps... more similar to the ulcer pain I'd feel when I had ulcers... this was more right before/after implantation, but for about 4-5 days I had pretty bad lower ab pain. I didn't think it was anything related to this, because it didn't feel like anything I'd experienced in TTC before..

Slight on-off nausea: it's usually later in the day, but nothing unbearable. Perhaps because I have so much practice from Metformin nausea?

Waiting now not very patiently for bloodwork tomorrow... btw which is also Husband's birthday :)

Friday, December 25, 2009

so couldn't help myself and did another POAS tonight and it was still only faint... almost even less faint than this morning... I suppose morning pee has higher concentration of HCG?

Period was supposed to arrive Saturday. I am dying to go to the Dr's for bloodwork but will need to wait until Monday.


is this a positive?

This is more than I have ever had. I see a faint positive. Internet research says that there's no such thing as a false positive.

Could this be my Xmas miracle?

(ps: pic is a little crap.. it's a little darker in real life)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

2ww hell

today is 10dpo.

I couldn't help myself yesterday and POAS last night. This was after 90 minutes of uncomfortable cramping earlier in the evening. It was a BFN.

Perhaps too early too test?

It's been a strange month post ovulation. I've been having a lot of stomach pain, it comes and goes. My lower abdomen is also really tender and usually we sleep with husband embracing me with his hand ending up across my abdomen. I can't stand it anymore- it almost hurts.

I've also been breaking out. Normally I break out a ton while on clomid, but once the 5 days are over and I've O'd I have clear skin the remainder of the month. This month I still have zits all over. Ugh.

I feel bloated. I pray and hope this isn't pre-period bloating, but today (4 days before expected period) I had a hard time feeling comfortable in my work pants.

It's so hard not to analyse these symptoms ... to do internet research on symptoms... I've decided with enough googling you can find someone out there that manifests each and every symptom you've had... It's easy to self-delude...I do know that if things don't work this month I will be crushed. This month it's been hard not to have increased expectations, as we had the best month yet in terms of follies, sperm, lining etc, b2b IUIs...

Husband and I decided to host a New Years eve party at our place this year and have invited over some 12 or so close friends to celebrate with. I am thinking now that this may have been a bad idea as I will be in no mood to celebrate if we don't have a BFP.

What's the earliest dpo people have gotten a positive ??


Welcome ICLW’ers!

It’s my first month participating in this. I created this blog a few months ago but it’s only recently that I have been regularly posting on here. As my little outlet in cyber-space to vent, ponder and just be.

Our story:

I married the most wonderful man 5.5 years ago. Our first 3.5 years we were happy to just enjoy married life together, and started TTC 2 years ago on a lark actually. I was running out of birth control pills and we were about to embark on a long international trip together, so we thought what the hell, let’s do it. Granted we felt financially, emotionally and over all ready to be parents.

So I was ok for 2 months or so before my body was overtaken by frightening symptoms: horrible cystic acne, a lot of my hair falling out, my period disappearing for months at a time and weight gain all centered around the abdomen. I’d gone to see a dermatologist about the acne, and cruelly she wouldn’t give me anything if I were TTC. I went to my GP about the hair loss, he suggested it was part of getting older (?). I was so extremely confused. Some six months later, I finally went to see my OBGyn about the missing periods, and as soon as she heard my symptoms she diagnosed me as PCOS with Insulin Resistance, further confirmed by blood work and a sonogram. We spent a few months in her treatment and that of a RE she referred me to, who had me start on Metformin, which I have taken 2000mg of for 16 months now. The OBGyn had me do two cycles of Clomid, which were both unmonitored. We were told to have timed intercourse, that too without any real information on when to “time” it.

We spent a good year with her… hoping the metformin would kick in.. hoping the clomid would work… Finally at our wits end, we went to see a RE that came highly recommended as the PCOS man in NYC. I’ve seen him for 6 months now. We’ve done 2 more cycles of Clomid but with Ovidrel and sonogram monitoring, we did another month just now of clomid + gonal F + ovidrel. I’m currently in my 2WW… hoping and praying…

So that’s my story. This has been a really lonely journey for me as I haven’t chosen to share it with very many people. I’m hoping to find a community online, and hope ICLW is the start of that.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

are you there egg, it's me D

today I think I am 5 DPO.

But, I feel nothing in there. I think I should feel "something", the elusive "something".

And yet I feel nothing.

Hello egg hope this long journey from follicle to implantation is going slow but steady.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

holiday party season sucks as a TTC PCOSer.

I've been laying off the alcohol almost entirely. It's no fun to go to these holiday parties where everyone is merry making, and sip on one wine all evening.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

charting temperatures

I had my Ovidrel shot last week (Thursday, Dec 10), IUI Dec 11 and Dec 12. I hadn't ovulated either of those times but on the 12th, the RE said I looked really close.

My temperature finally went up this morning, some 108 hours later.

Google results showed that only 60% of women have a temperature increase exactly the day after whereas the remaining 40% have it a few days later.

Is it that or is it that I ovulated late? Is this even possible on Ovidrel? I had thought you were supposed to ovulate 36-50 hours after Ovidrel?

This happened last month as well.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

My love's birthday is the 28th of this month. My 2ww will be over the 26th. He remarked the other day how amazing it would be if we got a BFP for his birthday.

It made me so sad, that I can't make this wonderful man a father.

I keep thinking of that and it makes me even sadder each time.


I had cramping again last night, and again today starting late afternoon.

I have been a little nervous about hyper stimulation and today was looking up the symptoms...Don't want to over-do my research and get all worked up, but it's uncomfortable. Especially since I don't want to do take any pain medication. Uff. The joys of TTC. If this persists I may call the RE tomorrow, since he didn't say anything about pain. Is this Ovulation pain? If you have more than one folly, do they all rupture at once, or apart? Or is this pain from enlarged ovaries?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

IUI #5 & 6

I went in yesterday morning for an IUI. 22million washed sperm count, which the Dr said was fantastic and much higher than anything we've had before.

Today I went in again. Hadn't ovulated. This happened last month too. Ugh, annoying. Today the count was 15.6million which the dr said is still decent. He said I had 4 follies ready to rupture. And that it looked like a really good month for me.

We were out until late last night at a friend's dinner party and didn't get home until 2am, so it was really hard to get up at 7am today. I trekked it to the dr's, carrying the cup of semen in my bra :) The temperature has dropped here so much that I was convinced it'd freeze if I didn't. Got home, cancelled my afternoon plans and just slept a few hours.

I wanted to take it easy. Things are looking promising this month and I want to do as much as I can to help my body prepare for implantation. This will mean no running, mostly taking it easy, eating well etc.

So I got up after a few hrs nap and had a dull pain in my lower abdomen. Peeing felt painful. It then turned into pretty painful pain (more so than say period cramping) and I just lay on the couch while Husband rubbed my head. I fell asleep again. When I woke up 40 minutes later, the pain was for the most part gone. This was about 36hrs post Ovidrel trigger. Must have been ovulation?


Thursday, December 10, 2009

cost of IVF

While I was at the RE’s today, I met with the finance lady.

Last consultation I had with the doctor, when we were discussing next steps, he suggested moving straight to IVF as people with PCOS over-respond to injectibles. And IVF gives him more control over multiples. We drew up a IVF protocol as well as one for Injectibles.

Husband and I decided we weren’t ready for IVF, in that we wanted to do more research and as we didn’t want to miss treatment this month, we proceeded with the Gonal F.

I met with the Finance lady today to get an idea of how much IVF at this clinic costs. The cost for IUIs and other treatment here have been more expensive than estimates I see online, so I was worried. She said a cycle would run me 12,000 plus medication. We are fortunate that we have a lifetime limit on our insurance but that it covers up to 24,000$. I’ve been relieved to see that none of the treatment so far, other than the 4 IUIs have been applied to this 24K. After 2 more IUIs this month, that will bring me to about a 3000 expense against the 24,000. Which leaves us with enough for about 2 IVF cycles. This was really a relief to hear.

I realize many people don’t have any coverage, but when you’re paying through the roof for a really comprehensive insurance plan and on top of that the medical bills are piling up, it still feels like a lot.

Gonal F monitoring visit

So went to the doctor’s today for my scheduled monitoring visit, a little worried as I was still having stomach pain, and concerned about hyper-stimulation.

I have 6 follicles above 12! They were 21, 20, 17.5, 17, 15, 14 and a lining of 9.9 which is the best I’ve ever had. On Clomid cycles I only ever had one large follicle so this is a great response the Doc said. Esp given I did a low dose of Gonal F (75 for 3 days, 37.5 for 3 days).

Tonight I’ll trigger with Ovidrel and then have an IUI scheduled for tomorrow morning, and the morning after.

Fingers crossed!!

I walked out of there finally with a smile.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Pity Party, table for one

Last night I lost it. Might be all the medicines running through my system or a long day at work, but I just blew up at dear husb for no reason and then ended in a pile of tears. Feeling sorry for myself pre-injection.

This IF/PCOS deal has turned my world around, and robbed me of most of my pleasures.

-I'm a major foodie and the Insulin Resistance means I'm now having to really watch what I eat. And mostly cutting out sugar/carbs.
-I love socialising, but I now haven't really had a drink in about 8 months. A glass of wine every few weeks and that's about it. It's meant drastically changing my social life as you don't want people to start thinking you're preggers...

So these two factors has meant I am spending lots of my time alone. Trying to schedule brunch/coffee dates with friends as that can avoid the alcohol situation, but NY is NY what young people do here is drink and eat.

I at one point declared that there was nothing good left in my life. I then looked up and saw the saddest expression cross my husband's face. And that ended the pity party- this man continues to be the most amazing thing in my life. He got me a rare small bowl of ice-cream, and I for the time being wiped away my tears and soldier on.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


is anyone out there?

I signed up for ICLW but this blogging journey is turning out to be lonely.


Monday, December 7, 2009

Gonal F journey

I went in this morning for a sono and bloodwork, to monitor the Gonal F injections I'm doing this month.

I had 4 follicles that were above 10 (though they were all less than 13.5). I'm on CD 12 of my cycle. I was taking 75 iu of the Gonal F but the nurse just called to say they'd gotten the bloodwork results from this morning and I needed to reduce my dosage to 37.5...

This Gonal F thing had been a pain. It doesn't hurt at all per se but the injecting myself thing psychologically is still hard. Not to mention all the dots all over my belly looking weird. I wish I could just do 75 every other day or something...

my sister is having a little girl in January, making me an aunt for the first time.

As happy as I am for them, it's also really hard. They've been married 2 years to our 5.5 years and it's frustrating feeling the "why me?" all over again.

I was out shopping yesterday and looking at all the baby stuff was odd- on the one hand it's euphoric because it's so damn cute. On the other hand it hits home that you can't yet go through the same. No matter how ready you feel.

On days like that, you need a lot of good courage.

Friday, December 4, 2009

London... Clomid... Starting Gonal F, first time

Hi I'm back :)

Right before I left for London, I came down with a horrid cold that wouldn't go away and finally I acquiesced and went to the doctor's not wanting to worry while I was treaveling. He put me on antibiotics. This was on top of the daily metformin, and the 200 dosage of clomid this month. I surely felt like I had too much crap floating in my system.

Clomid has been a strange friend to me. I've had no side effects, even on the 200. Well a little constipation (sorry TMI) but that's it.

Finally, late late last night, I got back into town. I took Clomid last Saterday-Wednesday, and went in this morning (Friday) for a sono. One over 10, and many on both sides under 10. Hm, doesn't seem any better a response than at 150. The doctor told me to go ahead and start the Gonal F today, at 75. And come back Monday for bloodwork and another sono.

We'll see.

London was a nice reprieve - I had a very busy few days of meetings and really no time to think of anything else. I hope that the time difference doesn't confuse my body too much.

Signs are everywhere lately of how many of us suffer through IF. It makes me feel less lonely... I'm reading "American Wife" and it details the main protagonists battle with wanting a second child and touches upon it throughout the book. And then was watching Julia and Julie on the plane and the parts with Julia Child's and her husband's longing for a child had me sobbing.

I'm happy it's Friday and I have two days to get back into this time zone and relax before the next work week. A little anxious about the gonal F injection today but I hear it's as easy as Ovidrel, so I feel slightly less nervous.