2009 adieu

Happy New Yrs!

If it weren't for this little joy arriving at the end of the year, I would have labelled 2009 worst year ever. It was a tough year, that tested my sanity. Far too many tears... too many needles... too much raging hormones and confusion. It was also the year that our joint battle brought me and husband even closer. We celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary more in love than ever, and for that I am greatful.

And now as he dotes on me, wanting to take care of everything, it makes me realise how much we have to look forward in 2010 and how he'll be an excellent father.

My resolution for 2010 is to the focus on worrying less and enjoying the present more. I have so much that is good in my life, and though no one knows what tomorrow will bring I need to have the faith that everything will be ok.

Last night we called my parents to share the good news. They were ecstatic. Then we called my in-laws and they both started crying. It felt so good to share the news, that we know means as much to them as it does for us. They both said it was the best news to end 2009 on.

I hope 2010 brings to fruition everyone's wishes and is a less tough year than 2009. Hold tight to your hope- it works out.

Love, d

Beta #2

Dr's office called with Beta #2 results:

HCG: 240 18dpo
Progesterone: they're still only saying >20.

The HCG doubled!! (It was 114 16dpo)

Can we really believe this is happening now? On Monday, Husband and I had gone out for a really nice dinner at Buddakan for his birthday. I had gotten him a bunch of gifts, which I'd left at home, but I carried one with me. A special purchase I'd made that I wondered if I'd ever be able to give to him: a Dad's that are Expecting book.

He got teary eyed. That made my night.

It still feels unreal however. I had trouble sleeping again last night and when I had to visit the loo yet again, took a HPT... Just to make sure that second line is still there. And it was... Don't know if this feeling of doubt ever goes away?

Next up: OB scan next Wednesday.

the universe has it's own ideas

I had a semi-cold yesterday as the husband has had one. Last night it's gotten worse. Today it's a full fledged cold. I read that being pregnant lowers your immunity- strange how Jill had a cold right about now too. Since Husband's cold is now gone, I'm not going to worry myself about H1N1.

Though I may ask about this when I see the Dr. next week as we're heading to Mexico for a beach vacay next week.

Isn't it funny how the world conspires against you? Tired after month after month of BFN, this month I'd gone ahead and scheduled my first acunpuncture visit, a massage and signed up for a sushi making class. I've cancelled the first two and lost my $$ on the third. Now that I'm pregnant, I'm also wondering why I didn't enjoy the occassional drink... and sushi more. I won't really miss anything else other than sushi I think.

Other than the cold, I've been ravenous today. Otherwise no other symptoms.

Starting to feel anxious once again about tomorrow's beta.

I'm Pregnant!!

Dr's just called back.

My HCG was 114 (today is 16dpo)
My progesterone was > 20. That's all they would say.

Need to go do some research but I believe these are good numbers!!!

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!

anxious!!

For the life of me I can’t shake my anxiety. I got into bed yesterday at 11pm.. tossed and turned and finally fell asleep at 3am. After another night of not sleeping well, got up at 7am to go in for the bloodwork. They’ll call this afternoon.

I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time with this. I have been having an on-off dull pain in my lower ab since yesterday. I have it right now as well. I asked the nurse who drew my blood if I should request a sonogram with the doctor, but she said he wouldn’t be able to spot anything now anyhow. Googling shows that it can be pretty normal to have some pain, and as long as it’s not accompanied by spotting, it’s safe.

Any of the recently pregnant ladies, feel this?

We want this so bad. I want to share the good news with my husband, who’s birthday it is today… and I want to enjoy this! But I just can’t seem to shake my anxiety. This is almost worse than the 2WW.

Please please keep me in your prayers, and hope for a good HCG and Progesterone number.

PCOS curse

So I am going in early tomorrow morning for bloodwork to confirm whether or not I'm pregnant.

I'm anxious.

I assume they'll check for HCG and Progesterone but I want to make sure everything is as good as it should be.

Ladies- was there anything else you tested for? When was the first ultrasound? I almost wish it'd be tomorrow, to get some sort of confirmation that everything is ok in there.

As happy as this news is for us, we haven't been able to celebrate in the elated fashion I thought we would. There's still the small nagging fear that things may not go the way we want... The curse of PCOS I suppose- you wait so long for this and yet there's still that nagging doubt. Starting today I've been doing a HPT every few hours... taking my temperature every few hours... Checking my panties to make sure AF hasn't decided to make an appearance... Dreading anything change. Ugh, wish I could just enjoy this.

another faint positive yesterday... and this morning a slightly darker faint positive. Period should have arrived, but hasn't.

Symptoms:
Sore breasts- wow, had no clue you'd feel it so soon. It hurts to the touch and being someone that's never slept with a bra on, that is no longer possible. Any movement and they hurt.

More frequent urination: I've never had to wake up in the middle of the night and pee, now I do

strange tummy aches: not really cramps... more similar to the ulcer pain I'd feel when I had ulcers... this was more right before/after implantation, but for about 4-5 days I had pretty bad lower ab pain. I didn't think it was anything related to this, because it didn't feel like anything I'd experienced in TTC before..

Slight on-off nausea: it's usually later in the day, but nothing unbearable. Perhaps because I have so much practice from Metformin nausea?

Waiting now not very patiently for bloodwork tomorrow... btw which is also Husband's birthday :)

so couldn't help myself and did another POAS tonight and it was still only faint... almost even less faint than this morning... I suppose morning pee has higher concentration of HCG?

Period was supposed to arrive Saturday. I am dying to go to the Dr's for bloodwork but will need to wait until Monday.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

is this a positive?

This is more than I have ever had. I see a faint positive. Internet research says that there's no such thing as a false positive.

Could this be my Xmas miracle?

(ps: pic is a little crap.. it's a little darker in real life)

2ww hell

today is 10dpo.

I couldn't help myself yesterday and POAS last night. This was after 90 minutes of uncomfortable cramping earlier in the evening. It was a BFN.

Perhaps too early too test?

It's been a strange month post ovulation. I've been having a lot of stomach pain, it comes and goes. My lower abdomen is also really tender and usually we sleep with husband embracing me with his hand ending up across my abdomen. I can't stand it anymore- it almost hurts.

I've also been breaking out. Normally I break out a ton while on clomid, but once the 5 days are over and I've O'd I have clear skin the remainder of the month. This month I still have zits all over. Ugh.

I feel bloated. I pray and hope this isn't pre-period bloating, but today (4 days before expected period) I had a hard time feeling comfortable in my work pants.

It's so hard not to analyse these symptoms ... to do internet research on symptoms... I've decided with enough googling you can find someone out there that manifests each and every symptom you've had... It's easy to self-delude...I do know that if things don't work this month I will be crushed. This month it's been hard not to have increased expectations, as we had the best month yet in terms of follies, sperm, lining etc, b2b IUIs...

Husband and I decided to host a New Years eve party at our place this year and have invited over some 12 or so close friends to celebrate with. I am thinking now that this may have been a bad idea as I will be in no mood to celebrate if we don't have a BFP.

What's the earliest dpo people have gotten a positive ??

hola

Welcome ICLW’ers!

It’s my first month participating in this. I created this blog a few months ago but it’s only recently that I have been regularly posting on here. As my little outlet in cyber-space to vent, ponder and just be.

Our story:

I married the most wonderful man 5.5 years ago. Our first 3.5 years we were happy to just enjoy married life together, and started TTC 2 years ago on a lark actually. I was running out of birth control pills and we were about to embark on a long international trip together, so we thought what the hell, let’s do it. Granted we felt financially, emotionally and over all ready to be parents.

So I was ok for 2 months or so before my body was overtaken by frightening symptoms: horrible cystic acne, a lot of my hair falling out, my period disappearing for months at a time and weight gain all centered around the abdomen. I’d gone to see a dermatologist about the acne, and cruelly she wouldn’t give me anything if I were TTC. I went to my GP about the hair loss, he suggested it was part of getting older (?). I was so extremely confused. Some six months later, I finally went to see my OBGyn about the missing periods, and as soon as she heard my symptoms she diagnosed me as PCOS with Insulin Resistance, further confirmed by blood work and a sonogram. We spent a few months in her treatment and that of a RE she referred me to, who had me start on Metformin, which I have taken 2000mg of for 16 months now. The OBGyn had me do two cycles of Clomid, which were both unmonitored. We were told to have timed intercourse, that too without any real information on when to “time” it.

We spent a good year with her… hoping the metformin would kick in.. hoping the clomid would work… Finally at our wits end, we went to see a RE that came highly recommended as the PCOS man in NYC. I’ve seen him for 6 months now. We’ve done 2 more cycles of Clomid but with Ovidrel and sonogram monitoring, we did another month just now of clomid + gonal F + ovidrel. I’m currently in my 2WW… hoping and praying…

So that’s my story. This has been a really lonely journey for me as I haven’t chosen to share it with very many people. I’m hoping to find a community online, and hope ICLW is the start of that.

are you there egg, it's me D

today I think I am 5 DPO.

But, I feel nothing in there. I think I should feel "something", the elusive "something".

And yet I feel nothing.

Hello egg hope this long journey from follicle to implantation is going slow but steady.

holiday party season sucks as a TTC PCOSer.

I've been laying off the alcohol almost entirely. It's no fun to go to these holiday parties where everyone is merry making, and sip on one wine all evening.

charting temperatures

I had my Ovidrel shot last week (Thursday, Dec 10), IUI Dec 11 and Dec 12. I hadn't ovulated either of those times but on the 12th, the RE said I looked really close.

My temperature finally went up this morning, some 108 hours later.

Google results showed that only 60% of women have a temperature increase exactly the day after whereas the remaining 40% have it a few days later.

Is it that or is it that I ovulated late? Is this even possible on Ovidrel? I had thought you were supposed to ovulate 36-50 hours after Ovidrel?

This happened last month as well.

My love's birthday is the 28th of this month. My 2ww will be over the 26th. He remarked the other day how amazing it would be if we got a BFP for his birthday.

It made me so sad, that I can't make this wonderful man a father.

I keep thinking of that and it makes me even sadder each time.

pain

I had cramping again last night, and again today starting late afternoon.

I have been a little nervous about hyper stimulation and today was looking up the symptoms...Don't want to over-do my research and get all worked up, but it's uncomfortable. Especially since I don't want to do take any pain medication. Uff. The joys of TTC. If this persists I may call the RE tomorrow, since he didn't say anything about pain. Is this Ovulation pain? If you have more than one folly, do they all rupture at once, or apart? Or is this pain from enlarged ovaries?

IUI #5 & 6

I went in yesterday morning for an IUI. 22million washed sperm count, which the Dr said was fantastic and much higher than anything we've had before.

Today I went in again. Hadn't ovulated. This happened last month too. Ugh, annoying. Today the count was 15.6million which the dr said is still decent. He said I had 4 follies ready to rupture. And that it looked like a really good month for me.

We were out until late last night at a friend's dinner party and didn't get home until 2am, so it was really hard to get up at 7am today. I trekked it to the dr's, carrying the cup of semen in my bra :) The temperature has dropped here so much that I was convinced it'd freeze if I didn't. Got home, cancelled my afternoon plans and just slept a few hours.

I wanted to take it easy. Things are looking promising this month and I want to do as much as I can to help my body prepare for implantation. This will mean no running, mostly taking it easy, eating well etc.

So I got up after a few hrs nap and had a dull pain in my lower abdomen. Peeing felt painful. It then turned into pretty painful pain (more so than say period cramping) and I just lay on the couch while Husband rubbed my head. I fell asleep again. When I woke up 40 minutes later, the pain was for the most part gone. This was about 36hrs post Ovidrel trigger. Must have been ovulation?

FINGERS CROSSED. STICKY DUST. and all that.

cost of IVF

While I was at the RE’s today, I met with the finance lady.

Last consultation I had with the doctor, when we were discussing next steps, he suggested moving straight to IVF as people with PCOS over-respond to injectibles. And IVF gives him more control over multiples. We drew up a IVF protocol as well as one for Injectibles.

Husband and I decided we weren’t ready for IVF, in that we wanted to do more research and as we didn’t want to miss treatment this month, we proceeded with the Gonal F.

I met with the Finance lady today to get an idea of how much IVF at this clinic costs. The cost for IUIs and other treatment here have been more expensive than estimates I see online, so I was worried. She said a cycle would run me 12,000 plus medication. We are fortunate that we have a lifetime limit on our insurance but that it covers up to 24,000$. I’ve been relieved to see that none of the treatment so far, other than the 4 IUIs have been applied to this 24K. After 2 more IUIs this month, that will bring me to about a 3000 expense against the 24,000. Which leaves us with enough for about 2 IVF cycles. This was really a relief to hear.

I realize many people don’t have any coverage, but when you’re paying through the roof for a really comprehensive insurance plan and on top of that the medical bills are piling up, it still feels like a lot.

Gonal F monitoring visit

So went to the doctor’s today for my scheduled monitoring visit, a little worried as I was still having stomach pain, and concerned about hyper-stimulation.

I have 6 follicles above 12! They were 21, 20, 17.5, 17, 15, 14 and a lining of 9.9 which is the best I’ve ever had. On Clomid cycles I only ever had one large follicle so this is a great response the Doc said. Esp given I did a low dose of Gonal F (75 for 3 days, 37.5 for 3 days).

Tonight I’ll trigger with Ovidrel and then have an IUI scheduled for tomorrow morning, and the morning after.

Fingers crossed!!

I walked out of there finally with a smile.

Pity Party, table for one

Last night I lost it. Might be all the medicines running through my system or a long day at work, but I just blew up at dear husb for no reason and then ended in a pile of tears. Feeling sorry for myself pre-injection.

This IF/PCOS deal has turned my world around, and robbed me of most of my pleasures.

-I'm a major foodie and the Insulin Resistance means I'm now having to really watch what I eat. And mostly cutting out sugar/carbs.
-I love socialising, but I now haven't really had a drink in about 8 months. A glass of wine every few weeks and that's about it. It's meant drastically changing my social life as you don't want people to start thinking you're preggers...

So these two factors has meant I am spending lots of my time alone. Trying to schedule brunch/coffee dates with friends as that can avoid the alcohol situation, but NY is NY what young people do here is drink and eat.

I at one point declared that there was nothing good left in my life. I then looked up and saw the saddest expression cross my husband's face. And that ended the pity party- this man continues to be the most amazing thing in my life. He got me a rare small bowl of ice-cream, and I for the time being wiped away my tears and soldier on.

Hello,

is anyone out there?

I signed up for ICLW but this blogging journey is turning out to be lonely.

:(

Gonal F journey

I went in this morning for a sono and bloodwork, to monitor the Gonal F injections I'm doing this month.

I had 4 follicles that were above 10 (though they were all less than 13.5). I'm on CD 12 of my cycle. I was taking 75 iu of the Gonal F but the nurse just called to say they'd gotten the bloodwork results from this morning and I needed to reduce my dosage to 37.5...

This Gonal F thing had been a pain. It doesn't hurt at all per se but the injecting myself thing psychologically is still hard. Not to mention all the dots all over my belly looking weird. I wish I could just do 75 every other day or something...

Hmphh.

my sister is having a little girl in January, making me an aunt for the first time.

As happy as I am for them, it's also really hard. They've been married 2 years to our 5.5 years and it's frustrating feeling the "why me?" all over again.

I was out shopping yesterday and looking at all the baby stuff was odd- on the one hand it's euphoric because it's so damn cute. On the other hand it hits home that you can't yet go through the same. No matter how ready you feel.

On days like that, you need a lot of good courage.

London... Clomid... Starting Gonal F, first time

Hi I'm back :)

Right before I left for London, I came down with a horrid cold that wouldn't go away and finally I acquiesced and went to the doctor's not wanting to worry while I was treaveling. He put me on antibiotics. This was on top of the daily metformin, and the 200 dosage of clomid this month. I surely felt like I had too much crap floating in my system.

Clomid has been a strange friend to me. I've had no side effects, even on the 200. Well a little constipation (sorry TMI) but that's it.

Finally, late late last night, I got back into town. I took Clomid last Saterday-Wednesday, and went in this morning (Friday) for a sono. One over 10, and many on both sides under 10. Hm, doesn't seem any better a response than at 150. The doctor told me to go ahead and start the Gonal F today, at 75. And come back Monday for bloodwork and another sono.

We'll see.

London was a nice reprieve - I had a very busy few days of meetings and really no time to think of anything else. I hope that the time difference doesn't confuse my body too much.

Signs are everywhere lately of how many of us suffer through IF. It makes me feel less lonely... I'm reading "American Wife" and it details the main protagonists battle with wanting a second child and touches upon it throughout the book. And then was watching Julia and Julie on the plane and the parts with Julia Child's and her husband's longing for a child had me sobbing.

I'm happy it's Friday and I have two days to get back into this time zone and relax before the next work week. A little anxious about the gonal F injection today but I hear it's as easy as Ovidrel, so I feel slightly less nervous.

here she arrives

I trepidatiously took a pregnancy test Sunday, and it was negative. Hope against hope I took another one Tuesday, that too was a "-". I had a consultation visit with my RE Wednesday so I took another one that morning. Funny how even though the odds are nonexistant, this heart still wants to believe a miracle may happen.

So we had our visit with the RE yesterday. We went prepared, and this time he actually spent a good 30 minutes with us, even though I could tell his staff were anxious to head home and start their Thanksgivings and I was his last patient of the day, he took his time. Which was so nice, given how he's always so rushed.

We got our questions answered, and more so than before the RE was really negative about PCOS and chances of conception. I've done 3 cycles of clomid with him and responded well enough follicle wise, we've forced ovulation with ovidrel, done the IUI and it hasn't stuck.

We asked him what he thought should come next and he surprised us by saying IVF. We had thought we had a ways to go before that. It was a real shocker. You always think of that as the final fronteir. I need to do more research into this, but he was saying in his experience he doesn't reccomend injectibles for PCOS patients... hm. Anyhow, since I'm traveling this month and we need some time to think about the IVF, we decided to do a clomid + injectibles month.

I leave for London Saterday and it was stressful once again to think I may miss a month as the dr won't let me start clomid without first doing a sonogram... and I hadn't gotten my period yet. He gave me a prescription for prometrium if need be, but no need for that. Period arrived today, right on Thanksgiving. Might have been the Crinone but it was really painful and I took 4 extra strenght tylenols and took a nap- it was that unbearable physical pain.

In a way I knew she'd be here soon, given the negative preg tests, but it's still crushing each and every time. And in a strange way comforting once you get over the devastation, to now tackle a new month.

So I'll go in for my sonogram Saturday morning. I'll do clomid day 3-7, and start the injectible (Gonal F) on Day 10. He said I'd have to come in for sonograms every other day to be monitored while on teh Gonal F...

Since injectibles will mean possibly more mature follicles than the one I've had each month with clomid, it's optimistic. But I don't know...

Anyhow, hope you all had a much better Thanksgiving than I did. I just spent it with the husband and told him a million times how thankful I am for him. Other than that it has been a crappy year, and I find myself hard pressed to be thankful for much else. Ungreatful I know. But it's been that sort of day.

crinone.. progesterone supplement

so started the Crinone (progesterone gel) on Saturday night. This would have been 3 days post second IUI and I was really hoping I'd O'd by then.

Crinone has been fine- there's a lot of nasty posts about discharge etc but I haven't had any issues. It's actually really easy to use (basically a tampon type applicator)and haven't had any side-effects.

Today, one week post second IUI, I felt some cramping. I've been nauseous for a few days. It drives me nuts how I basically mimic pregnancy symptoms every 2ww it seems!

Trying to stay hopeful...

iui try #4

So I went in this morning again for my 4th IUI (2nd this month).

After what was a frustrating 2 hour wait?! I finally got called in.

Only to be told I still hadn't ovulated. This was 36 hours post-ovidrel. Wasn't an ovulation guaranteed 36 hours post ovidrel? The doctor said normally it's 40-50 hours. No internet research backs that up however.

My doctor wasn't in, and it was his partner doing the IUI so I didn't get too many questions in.

I cannot tell you how confused I am. Husband told me I very well may ovulate today and the IUI will not have gone to waste, but to think all of that humiliation may not have led to anything...

And I really should get off the internet because now I'm reading about too large follicles (30mm+) and getting paranoid. Mine were 23 yesterday, so should be 25 or so today...

I'll ring my doctor tomorrow since now I'm also confused about when to start taking the progesterone, as that can interfere with ovulation.

IUI #3

I nervously went in yesterday for my monitoring visit, half nervous it was too late to attempt Ovidrel + IUI this month, but thankfully one follicle was 23.5 and the others on the right side were the same size as a few months ago. Good news: hadn’t ovulated yet. Bad news: again this month I only have one follicle. Oh and also good news: endometrial lining is 9.5 this month. Much better than previous months!

So I was asked to do ovidrel last night, and come in today and tomorrow for IUIs.

I hadn’t filled my prescription for Ovidrel. Even after insurance it’s $50 and not knowing if it was too late already this month I didn’t want to purchase beforehand. Not a good idea. So I re-submit my order via the Pharmacy’s website and get a confirmation saying it’ll be ready for pick up after 5. I had a crazy day at work and didn’t think about it again. I went to the Pharmacy at 7pm to pick up the Ovidrel and they tell me they don’t have any at that store and nonchalantly say they’ll get it for me tomorrow. I was furious and they maintained since it fell on some sort of controlled substance list that they couldn’t transfer it to another pharmacy for me. It was only after I remembered that I had an extra prescription were they able to tell me another pharmacy that carried it and I quickly ran over to pick it up before they closed at 8pm.

Close call!!!

I took the Ovidrel last night- once again not as bad as they say. Injecting yourself is something I’m becoming an expert on.

Went in for the IUI today. Motility was 15.7 Million. Which apparently is decent. I hadn’t O’d. I go in again tomorrow for IUI #4. Hopefully this sticks.

Thursday I will start the progesterone.

Something my doctor didn’t recommend but that I’m doing anyhow this month is adding baby aspirin.

sharing..

My doctor’s office is always a busy center of nervous energy. There is always a long wait. He holds monitoring visits 7-830am and the waiting room is always packed with women frantically trying to see the doctor before work. We sit tight, each chair occupied, sighing, shifting as the wait turns into 60 minutes… Sometimes even 90 minutes. Such is the joy of having one of NYC’s top specialists as your doctor. Despite having a room full of women going through your same predicament, it doesn’t lend itself to bonding with other women.

Today was different. I arrived at 930 for my IUI and the hullabaloo had died down and lo and behold the waiting room was empty. Another lady walked in after me and we sat near each other and struck up a conversation. While we waited, for the next 30 minutes we shared our experience with each other, and it was the first time that either of us had done so. It was a tremendous relief, but somewhere into our conversation she clammed up and reached for a magazine. I took that to mean she wanted her privacy so I also went back to my book. It was only after a few minutes that I spotted her wiping some tears out of the corner of my eye. In speaking to each other, although a relief, I realized it was also overwhelming to finally have someone to share our thoughts with.

I wanted to offer her my email so we may email or meet up for coffee and share experiences but before I could, we were both called by the nurses to go in for our procedures. That was the last I saw of her. This encounter really made me really yearn for a support net wider than my husband (as wonderful as he is)… to have someone else that is going through the same thing, to share some of this with.

I’m back at the dr’s tomorrow for my second IUI and maybe I’ll run into M. If I do, this time I’ll offer my contact details.

on it goes

I've been feeling really low lately.

Another month, another treatment. The hope I'd been feeling last few times with this new RE is wearing off.

This month we're again trying Clomid, Ovidrel, IUIs.

I asked for a progesterone prescription and again repeating his belief it'd make no difference, the Dr. provided me with one for Crinone.

I was asked to come in on Day 11 for a sonogram. It seemed to early to me.

My largest follicle was 12. Too early obviously. How do you get the point across to doctors that vaginal sonograms are so humiliating and they shouldn't ask you to do them for no reason. I was meant to go in today, but the husband advised not to. You see research on the internet says follicles only grow 1-2millimeters a day, meaning today I'd most likely be at 16 millimeters. On Clomid, they say not to induce ovulation unless follicles are atleast 22. So no chance of that today.

It's annoying how clinics work. So I called today to ask if they'd be open tomorrow so I could stop by for a sonogram. No response. They only have the emergency line open and that person didn't know.

So I'll have to wait until Monday. Day 15. Hope it's not too late by then, though if the research we're doing is right, the follicles should be 20 by Monday.

Also researching accunpuncture and really need to go have it done.

In good news, I tried a very low glycemic index dinner last night and actually enjoyed it:
baked kale chips (yumm!)
baked butternut squash
baked chicken

It was really filling.

almost

Being on holiday was a really nice escape. I somehow managed to not really think about the 2WW. I should have gotten my period on the 23rd (exactly two wks post ovidrel).... but I didn't get it then. So although I'd managed to keep busy with other thoughts the previous two weeks, there was no evading anything now. It occupied my thoughts 24/7.

We tried to contain our excitement. We tried to not give it too much importance or to think of it too much. It was a weird feeling- not wanting to be too excited, as we'd already experienced the devastation that comes w/an eventual negative.

So FOUR days late, she decides to arrive. Crushing me all over again.

It was a weird period. Really really heavy for two days and then nothing really. Starting the day before I also had the most excruciating cramps, and I normally get only very mild cramps.

It's called women's intuition but immediately came to mind the conversation I'd had with the Dr asking if I needed to be doing anything else at all. He said no, dismissively. I repeated my question asking about progesterone. He said research didn't show progesterone supplements to make any difference. I should have insisted. I can't get rid of the feeling that the IUI in fact did work. And my body couldn't then sustain the implantation. Which is a shitty feeling.

So do I go back and do 2 IUI's again? I have the sense we're missing out on something.

today is day 22, and 7 days post IUI. Not feeling any implantation cramping. Infact not feeling much of anything going on in there other than my back aching, but that's not really a preggers symptom.

this wait sucks, once again.making nothing easy is the fact that I go on holiday today. For two weeks- so either get my period while I'm gone or I'll be desperately cramming to find a pee on a stick in a foreign country.

my second IUI

I went in yesterday, for day two of consecutive IUI's. Same procedure, same discomfort.

My normal doctor was out so his partner did the IUI. He told me he thought I'd ovulated already. And then he proceeded to do the IUI, wished me good luck and left, before I'd had a chance to ask what does he mean he thinks I've ovulated...

Does ovidrel guarantee an ovulation?

Yesterday morning I took my temperature (35 hours post ovidrel), and it was not elevated. Went to the doctor's office and the sonogram was at 930 or so. It's very possible I ovulated between when i took my temperature and when I went to the doctors.

BUT this morning, husband woke me up at the normal time I chart (7am) and my temperature was not elevated. I went to bed around 2am yesterday, so I kept sleeping and again took my temperature at 10am. When it read 98.5, which is my usual post-o temperature... Adding more to the confusion of which one to trust.

I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping this works !

my first IUI

I went in this morning for my IUI.

Husb had given me a semen sample in the container the nurse had provided. I then rushed downstairs to grab a cab, no way I was risking being on a shaky subway ride.

I got to the dr's office some 20 minutes later and was made to wait another 30 minutes. I was getting nervous that the sample had been collected practically an hour ago... Finally I was called by the technician who assured me that we were fine time wise.

He had me fill out two labels with my name/husb name, and also handed over the paperwork they had us sign, including copies of both of our IDs.

After this I went and waited, and was called some 20 minutes later.

Went into the room. Sitting on the table with the stirrups has become basically second nature. I was reflecting today on how spreading my legs, albeit still humiliating, doesn't carry the same trauma it did earlier.

The speculum was inserted, and as usual there was slight discomfort. Then the catheter was inserted and before I knew it we were done. It took less than 2 minutes. The dr followed with a sonogram and said the sperm was where he wanted it to be.

After he left, I stayed laying down. The nurse came in some 10 minutes later and told me I could get dressed. I asked if I could remain horizontal for another 5 minutes and she told me that other patients were waiting for the room... Guess that's prime NYC real estate for you.

I went straight in to work and other than some mild cramping had no side effects.

I hadn't ovulated so will go in again tomorrow for another IUI. I wonder if this is really neccessary a second time. But we will follow instructions.

Qs for the Dr.

so after my sonogram, husb and I sat with the dr for a consultation.

We wanted to discuss next steps. I noticed when my bills finally arrived that for each visit I've been to the drs for, they've billed me both for the sonogram and a dr's visit. Maybe because the dr does the sonogram, they do it this way but I definitely don't consider those rushed 5 minute encounters office visits.

So we sit down for our chat. I have come prepared with a list of questions.

I ask how many cycles of clomid he reccomends. He said 3 ovulatory cycles is what he reccomends before moving on to something else. This is my 4th month on clomid, but the first two I was seeing another dr and didn't ovulate. Adding the HCG trigger seems to have done the trick last month, and hopefully this month too. That means I could do clomid one more month...

I ask since we figured I ovulated last month, should I be doing anything more to make sure my uterine lining is hospitable. And he got somewhat impatient and told me I had to trust myself in his care and that he already had me doing everything we should be doing.

I had a few other questions that he answered satisfactorily, although it came across to me as if he didn't really appreciate my questioning him.

I wanted to know what the next steps were and he was a little hesitant to go into detail about them, saying we should take things one step at a time.

He told us that my case seems fairly straightforward and he's 95% confident I will get pregnant, and that it is only a matter of time.

Seeing I've responded well to clomid (had just one mature follicle this month at 20) and along with the trigger, I seem to ovulate, and given the HSG and SIS were both clear, I don't have other obstacles ahead. He advised being patient.

At the end of our visit, he tells me to stop doing internet research and to just think of other things.

Easier said than done.

Anyhow, happy to have gotten answers to my questions.

Clomid + Ovidrel again

another month, another cycle.

after the devastation of last month, I didn't know if I had it in me to go through this all over again. But your own strength confounds you. After a few days of real misery where all I wanted to do was never climb out of bed... I got over it. And I started feeling ok again.

So we decided to try clomid again day 5-9. The sonogram confirmed that I ovulated last month as the follicles observed had released. There were no large cysts either. I went in again today (day 14) for a follow up sonogram and was given the go ahead to self inject with ovidrel again today.

Followed by IUI tomorrow and Friday as well.

This is a new step, the IUI.

Maybe this will do it?

about infertility

heart break

today I encountered heart break.

I got my period. This was the first time since we started our fertility journey that I felt everything was in place, and it had to work. This time.

We did the clomid. We did the ovidrel. I abstained from drink all month. I patted my belly, thinking positive thoughts. Wanting so much for everything to turn out right. I had the implantation cramps on the right day, my temperature was up each morning... I even had some nausea.

And then yesterday morning my temperature dipped, and dipped further today. We knew it had come to an end. And still I took a pregnancy test this morning, the nausea leading me to. It was negative. In the middle of the day at work, period arrived. Kicking a big hole in my heart.

It was an awful day. I feel hope-less. I fell gutted. I feel devoid of energy to continue this battle with my womb.

Acupuncture?

a fellow blogger recommended the Infertility Cure, a book about Traditional Chinese Medicine (acupuncture, herbs etc) and it is a fascinating read. Seeing I'm only a few chapters in, I probably should be more cautious in my enthusiasm, but wtf. It's convinced me enough to research acupuncturists that treat for PCOS in my city.

Thankfully living in NYC there's a plethora of them!

I'm thankful for that.

2 ww

Starting this afternoon, I've had an almost constant dull pain in my stomach. It takes turns in terms of sides, but it's been constant.

As it's either 7-8 days post ovulation, could it be implantation cramping?

Walking out of elevator and towards my apartment, I got a whiff of the strong smelling curry my neighbor was cooking. As much of a curry lover as I am, I felt incredibly nauseous and ran towards my apartment.

Are these symptoms we imagine as we complete the 2 week wait?

I've been having terrible terrible nausea all morning. One of the most cruel aspects of PCOS and being on Metformin has been the nausea- No you're not blessed with a child, but you still have to suffer the side-effects.

Today it takes a whole other meaning as we're waiting to see what happened this cycle...

98.33

My temperature is up.

I've charted in the past, but I always stopped charting once the temperature went up to indicate ovulation and then re-started post-period. So I don't quite know how typically long my temperature stayed up in the past.

In doing research it seems some women's temperature goes down immediately post-O and a high temperature means conception. Other research says some women just stay at a high temperature until their period.

I wish I had charts to compare from prior months to see what it'd been... this waiting and guessing is killing me.

this waiting is painful.

I may have O'd last Thursday, Friday or Saterday. I have my suspicions it was Friday.

That means it's been 3 days since.

And initially I felt some cramping/weirdness post Ovidrel, but now I don't feel anything.

Now wait I must for 11 more days.

To find out.

The waiting is the hardest.

ovidrel... and was this the big O?

I went in Thursday for the day 18 sonogram. There were mature follicles on both ovaries- one on each side. Best case scenario materialised said the dr. :)

So I left the dr's with a smile on my face for the first time. Ever.

Came home in the evening, and was dreading the ovidrel shot. We had guests over for dinner, and I almost missed the 6-10pm window they'd reccomended I take it during. I rushed into my room, took a motrin, applied an ice pack for a few minutes and then steadied my shaking hands and took the plunge. It was surprisingly painless!

The aftermath has been more painful. After the shot, I was crampy last night and it felt like a squeaky machine was being turned on after a long time off- that might be a strange analogy but that's the best way I can describe it. Today I felt super bloated and my jeans that are usually large at the waist felt snug. I had light cramping all day long, and for an hour this evening really hard cramping. Double over in pain cramping. It faded after an hour.

Could that have been the big O?

hmmmmmmmmmm

I'm a little puzzled.

So I took clomid (150mg) days 8-12. I saw the doctor again and he asked me to come in on Day 18 for my sonogram. This sounds too late to me in terms of then taking the ovidrel shot. I asked 3 times if this was correct information- two on the spot, and called back once again to have this confirmed. All three times he said, yes, come back on day 18.

I have no reason not to trust the dr, and accept that me must have a reason. And yet I don't want to lose another month.

the joys of clomid

so this new doctor is taking a much more monitored approach with clomid.

i was meant to start taking it last month, but as it was my 30th birthday and I had a month full of friends and family visiting, we decided to take a break for July.

Come August I was ready and energized to start.

I went in for my sonogram and the dr cleared me to start taking clomid. Come day 5, I take 3 pills (150mg total). Come day 6 I take 3 pills again. Same thing day 7. I started feeling quite unwell morning of day 7 and noticed I wasn't having any of the sideeffects I'd had previous months with clomid. So I take a look at the pills and couldn't believe what I'd done!!

Clomid pills come in a smaller box than my huge jars of metformin. so for the ease of having a small vial with them in my mini-purses, i'd cleaned and transferred some metformin into a jar that had previously held Clomid. I forgot to remove the label. So this month I was taking my regular 4 tablets of metformin a day, plus another 3 thinking it was clomid!!

It was Sunday night and husband and I panicked not entirely sure what to do.

I called the dr's first thing Monday morning and they told me to start taking clomid with day 8. I am meant to go in for a follow up sonogram day 12, which also will be day 5 of taking clomid. I've gotten a prescription for Ovidrel filled. So depending on when the sonogram shows I'm ready, I will get injected with the ovidrel to release any eggs and apparently been told when to have intercourse.

As aggressive as Dr. S's treatment course seems (atleast in terms of the many dr visits/tests), I'm hopeful that this will lead us to a solution.

HSG..SIS... oh my

two rounds of Clomid and confusing results. Any charting I'd been doing went out the window as the months I took clomid my charts were not typical. The first ultrasound showed I'd ovulated though my progesterone test was really low. The second month, they couldn't even ascertain I had ovulated and the doctor remarked she should have had me do bloodwork too. Another month down the drain.

After the experience of clomid with my Gyn, we decided we needed to see a specialist. She was obviously in over her head and didn't know what else to do with me. In reading about clomid, I knew she should have monitored me more than she did.

So on the basis of reccomendations from the ladies posting at SoulCysters I went to see one of the foremost PCOS experts in NY, who is a RE. He went over my history said I was medium in the spectrum of PCOS- not the extreme end, but not mild either. He said he'd need me to do a range of tests to be in his treatment and that I should continue with the Metformin, and do another few months of clomid. Here are the various tests he's having me do:

PCOS Panel:
this was easy enough...albeit time consuming. I had blood drawn... drank a glucose solution and then had blood drawn again exactly two hours later. results pending.

Preconception Lab Panel:
which included genetic testing, for SMA, Fragile x etc. Not exactly sure on the reason for the genetic testing, but as this dr also does IVF, I think it may be to diagnose all ailments that could affect a possible pregnancy. Blood was also drawn for Estradiol, FSH, Amh etc.

My husband similarly had his version of the preconception lab panel, including blood work and a sperm test.

HSG:
I had this procedure done today. And was dreading it to the point of having mini-panic attacks and being tempted to cancel it up to an hour before. I'd read the varying accounts of other's experience with this and the range of reactions (worse than childbirth to not any worse than a papsmear) had me confused... I followed the women's advice to medicate (1000 mg tylenol night before, 1000 mg two hours before)... Truth be told, other than the humiliating position (feet high up in stirrups) and some mild discomfort (a little more than a papsmear) I didn't feel much. I didn't feel any thing different when the dye was inserted. I had lasik done and that was far more painful in comparision. This may have been due to the tylenol, or due to a very empathetic team of dr/nurse. Anyhow, it wasn't any where close to as bad as I was expecting. In fact, rather than a cab as I'd planned, I rode the subway back home :)

SIS: being the masochist I am I have scheduled the SIS test for tomorrow. A day after the HSG. This is meant to be less painful than the HSG so I think I will be ok. I'll update on how it went.

the backstory

I haven't updated here in a while... since the last post I've been traveling quite a bit internationally for work and blogging hasn't been on my radar. I still am taking 2000 dosage of Metformin daily. A dear friend who also has PCOS sent me a book- review to come- which was just the most fantastic source of information. As a result I started charting for both temperature and cervical fluid. I learned I was ovulating, and the cervical fluid helped us pinpoint when to time intercourse much better too. Anyone not currently charting, definitely should. Our bodies are miracles!

I feel like most of the year we've tried conceiving was hindered by my mis-education on my own body. I'd always thought women had 28 day cycles and that ovulation was always on set dates. No one ever taught us that not everyone does. It's taken many books for me to get to know my body better and I feel like it's only now that I even get when to time things.

Anyhow, we still didn't get pregnant. So went back to the doctor's and did progesterone tests. Which were low as she'd suspected. So I am ovulating but at very low levels. I had something peculiar happen in January. I have no proof but I think we may have fertilized an egg but that implantation didn't take place. I had searing cramps unlike anything I've ever experienced for 2 day, as well as some spotting. Four days or so after this I got my period. Chemical pregnancy?

Despite resisting for so long, we finally went on Clomid as a result. I started this past Monday- days 3-7. Let's see what happens this month.