here she arrives

I trepidatiously took a pregnancy test Sunday, and it was negative. Hope against hope I took another one Tuesday, that too was a "-". I had a consultation visit with my RE Wednesday so I took another one that morning. Funny how even though the odds are nonexistant, this heart still wants to believe a miracle may happen.

So we had our visit with the RE yesterday. We went prepared, and this time he actually spent a good 30 minutes with us, even though I could tell his staff were anxious to head home and start their Thanksgivings and I was his last patient of the day, he took his time. Which was so nice, given how he's always so rushed.

We got our questions answered, and more so than before the RE was really negative about PCOS and chances of conception. I've done 3 cycles of clomid with him and responded well enough follicle wise, we've forced ovulation with ovidrel, done the IUI and it hasn't stuck.

We asked him what he thought should come next and he surprised us by saying IVF. We had thought we had a ways to go before that. It was a real shocker. You always think of that as the final fronteir. I need to do more research into this, but he was saying in his experience he doesn't reccomend injectibles for PCOS patients... hm. Anyhow, since I'm traveling this month and we need some time to think about the IVF, we decided to do a clomid + injectibles month.

I leave for London Saterday and it was stressful once again to think I may miss a month as the dr won't let me start clomid without first doing a sonogram... and I hadn't gotten my period yet. He gave me a prescription for prometrium if need be, but no need for that. Period arrived today, right on Thanksgiving. Might have been the Crinone but it was really painful and I took 4 extra strenght tylenols and took a nap- it was that unbearable physical pain.

In a way I knew she'd be here soon, given the negative preg tests, but it's still crushing each and every time. And in a strange way comforting once you get over the devastation, to now tackle a new month.

So I'll go in for my sonogram Saturday morning. I'll do clomid day 3-7, and start the injectible (Gonal F) on Day 10. He said I'd have to come in for sonograms every other day to be monitored while on teh Gonal F...

Since injectibles will mean possibly more mature follicles than the one I've had each month with clomid, it's optimistic. But I don't know...

Anyhow, hope you all had a much better Thanksgiving than I did. I just spent it with the husband and told him a million times how thankful I am for him. Other than that it has been a crappy year, and I find myself hard pressed to be thankful for much else. Ungreatful I know. But it's been that sort of day.

crinone.. progesterone supplement

so started the Crinone (progesterone gel) on Saturday night. This would have been 3 days post second IUI and I was really hoping I'd O'd by then.

Crinone has been fine- there's a lot of nasty posts about discharge etc but I haven't had any issues. It's actually really easy to use (basically a tampon type applicator)and haven't had any side-effects.

Today, one week post second IUI, I felt some cramping. I've been nauseous for a few days. It drives me nuts how I basically mimic pregnancy symptoms every 2ww it seems!

Trying to stay hopeful...

iui try #4

So I went in this morning again for my 4th IUI (2nd this month).

After what was a frustrating 2 hour wait?! I finally got called in.

Only to be told I still hadn't ovulated. This was 36 hours post-ovidrel. Wasn't an ovulation guaranteed 36 hours post ovidrel? The doctor said normally it's 40-50 hours. No internet research backs that up however.

My doctor wasn't in, and it was his partner doing the IUI so I didn't get too many questions in.

I cannot tell you how confused I am. Husband told me I very well may ovulate today and the IUI will not have gone to waste, but to think all of that humiliation may not have led to anything...

And I really should get off the internet because now I'm reading about too large follicles (30mm+) and getting paranoid. Mine were 23 yesterday, so should be 25 or so today...

I'll ring my doctor tomorrow since now I'm also confused about when to start taking the progesterone, as that can interfere with ovulation.

IUI #3

I nervously went in yesterday for my monitoring visit, half nervous it was too late to attempt Ovidrel + IUI this month, but thankfully one follicle was 23.5 and the others on the right side were the same size as a few months ago. Good news: hadn’t ovulated yet. Bad news: again this month I only have one follicle. Oh and also good news: endometrial lining is 9.5 this month. Much better than previous months!

So I was asked to do ovidrel last night, and come in today and tomorrow for IUIs.

I hadn’t filled my prescription for Ovidrel. Even after insurance it’s $50 and not knowing if it was too late already this month I didn’t want to purchase beforehand. Not a good idea. So I re-submit my order via the Pharmacy’s website and get a confirmation saying it’ll be ready for pick up after 5. I had a crazy day at work and didn’t think about it again. I went to the Pharmacy at 7pm to pick up the Ovidrel and they tell me they don’t have any at that store and nonchalantly say they’ll get it for me tomorrow. I was furious and they maintained since it fell on some sort of controlled substance list that they couldn’t transfer it to another pharmacy for me. It was only after I remembered that I had an extra prescription were they able to tell me another pharmacy that carried it and I quickly ran over to pick it up before they closed at 8pm.

Close call!!!

I took the Ovidrel last night- once again not as bad as they say. Injecting yourself is something I’m becoming an expert on.

Went in for the IUI today. Motility was 15.7 Million. Which apparently is decent. I hadn’t O’d. I go in again tomorrow for IUI #4. Hopefully this sticks.

Thursday I will start the progesterone.

Something my doctor didn’t recommend but that I’m doing anyhow this month is adding baby aspirin.

sharing..

My doctor’s office is always a busy center of nervous energy. There is always a long wait. He holds monitoring visits 7-830am and the waiting room is always packed with women frantically trying to see the doctor before work. We sit tight, each chair occupied, sighing, shifting as the wait turns into 60 minutes… Sometimes even 90 minutes. Such is the joy of having one of NYC’s top specialists as your doctor. Despite having a room full of women going through your same predicament, it doesn’t lend itself to bonding with other women.

Today was different. I arrived at 930 for my IUI and the hullabaloo had died down and lo and behold the waiting room was empty. Another lady walked in after me and we sat near each other and struck up a conversation. While we waited, for the next 30 minutes we shared our experience with each other, and it was the first time that either of us had done so. It was a tremendous relief, but somewhere into our conversation she clammed up and reached for a magazine. I took that to mean she wanted her privacy so I also went back to my book. It was only after a few minutes that I spotted her wiping some tears out of the corner of my eye. In speaking to each other, although a relief, I realized it was also overwhelming to finally have someone to share our thoughts with.

I wanted to offer her my email so we may email or meet up for coffee and share experiences but before I could, we were both called by the nurses to go in for our procedures. That was the last I saw of her. This encounter really made me really yearn for a support net wider than my husband (as wonderful as he is)… to have someone else that is going through the same thing, to share some of this with.

I’m back at the dr’s tomorrow for my second IUI and maybe I’ll run into M. If I do, this time I’ll offer my contact details.

on it goes

I've been feeling really low lately.

Another month, another treatment. The hope I'd been feeling last few times with this new RE is wearing off.

This month we're again trying Clomid, Ovidrel, IUIs.

I asked for a progesterone prescription and again repeating his belief it'd make no difference, the Dr. provided me with one for Crinone.

I was asked to come in on Day 11 for a sonogram. It seemed to early to me.

My largest follicle was 12. Too early obviously. How do you get the point across to doctors that vaginal sonograms are so humiliating and they shouldn't ask you to do them for no reason. I was meant to go in today, but the husband advised not to. You see research on the internet says follicles only grow 1-2millimeters a day, meaning today I'd most likely be at 16 millimeters. On Clomid, they say not to induce ovulation unless follicles are atleast 22. So no chance of that today.

It's annoying how clinics work. So I called today to ask if they'd be open tomorrow so I could stop by for a sonogram. No response. They only have the emergency line open and that person didn't know.

So I'll have to wait until Monday. Day 15. Hope it's not too late by then, though if the research we're doing is right, the follicles should be 20 by Monday.

Also researching accunpuncture and really need to go have it done.

In good news, I tried a very low glycemic index dinner last night and actually enjoyed it:
baked kale chips (yumm!)
baked butternut squash
baked chicken

It was really filling.