Thursday, March 11, 2010

it's not always a bed of roses

Today was a bad day.

Work has been hard all week- too much to do, too little time. And not having the same energy level makes it all the harder.

Plus my back has been bothering me all week long. Even the chiropractor, which normally helps me, has made no difference. I've been in constant pain.

After a week nausea free, I've had a friend rear it's ugly head : food aversions. Day time it seems ok- I have oatmeal for breakfast, snack on fruit, eat a salad or sandwich for lunch, some crackers maybe for a snack. But come dinner time, this whole week it's been the same issue- I get so nauseous just thinking about food that I'm unable to eat.

As a result the husband and I have been fighting. He says he doesn't know what he's supposed to do. And to me it feels like he doesn't understand how much I'm going through right now. I'm the one not sleeping well from the back pain. I'm the one struggling at work. I'm the one having to make so many changes in my life. Gone are the days of having energy to socialise with friends or have a drink after work. Today he came home after a few happy hour drinks. He was hungry, assumed I'd eaten, he ate.

I sat fuming all the while. It was past 8, I was starving, and couldn't bring myself to eat anything.

Needless to say pregnancy hormones + nausea + hunger does not make for a happy wife.

I screamed more than I should have. I cried buckets of tears.

He went to sleep in the other room, making me even more furious.

I know my husband means well. I know I am basically acting like a stranger to him these days. And yet I don't know how to communicate my needs with him it seems. We've never had this problem before. But these days I feel like my moods are such a stranger to me myself, I don't know how to explain them to anyone else... And I'd almost say I resent that I am the one who has to go through all of this. I want acknowledgement from him almost constantly that he knows how much I'm going through. I want him to pamper me constantly to atone for this.

I'll probably delete this post before tomorrow because it feels a bit like I'm airing my dirty laundry. But I write this blog to be honest, and this is just what I'm feeling right now.


Courtney said...

I never thought about how being pregnant would not just affect me but my hubs.
It was frustrating not being able to eat anything. My hubs would make whatever for supper and I would eat it or whatever I could! There are some days when my hormones are not very nice to him and I have to make a consience effort to think if I am hungry or just moody!
Being pregnant is such a transition that I thought somehow would be puppies and rainbows and it isn't all the time!
Feel free to air your laundry of it helps you! This is your blog to express your feelings!!!

Kelli said...

Oh, girlfriend...I think I wrote a post very much like this one a while back. I wish that there was an easy answer.

I have screamed and cried and thrown things...and even hit Mike in the back of the head with a plate...all things that are out of character for me, too. And you are a stranger in your own body...where do you go to escape yourself?

First, I say give yourself a break. You really, really can't help it. I know it, you know it and your hubs will come to understand it. Would he be open to reading a baby book for dads? Even a chapter or two (What to Expect has a pretty good chapter that hits the high notes of why your wife has suddenly lost her mind). That helped us temporarily until I could better figure out how to explain some things to him.

I still refer him to those books when I'm having an unexplainably bad day. :)

And not to be a downer, but there are still days that we don't communicate IS better but not 'fixed' by any means. We've both had to change what we expect from each other and how we talk to each other and there are sometimes that it's stil not enough. I think you just have to take it one day (sometimes one MOMENT) at a time and deal with things as they come. But it will be better than it was!

Not much help, am I? Sorry...

I hope that today is a better day. Hugs to you (but none to your hubs...tell him to deal ;p).

Red said...

I still tell Cowboy all about my aches and pains and how many times I vomitted that day. Still, I know he will never really 'get it' how constant and draining a pregnancy is.

But in a few weeks when you can feel baby move and he will never ever know what that feels like, it will put a smug little smile on your face. We women go through a lot, but there are also many things that I would never change places for. If men could bear children too, I would still ask to do it everytime.

It also prepares you for when baby arrives. Sure his sleep will suffer a bot too and his life will be busier, but yours will change forever and it will be hard for you to explain that to him. How consuming a baby is to its Mum. You have done most things equally so far but parenting is usually very different for each parent, and neither one can really 'get' what the other one has gone through.