Thursday, January 21, 2010

Hi ICLW'ers

Welcome to my corner of the blog world.

I am a PCOS Insulin Resistant "Infertile" who despite countless sleepless nights of thinking it'd never happen for us, now find myself finally pregnant. My past few weeks have been as peculiar as the IF journey was, in the sense of still being wracked with worry and sleepless nights and having more anxiety that I ever did as a TTC'er.

Our journey started 2 years ago exactly when I went off the pill, and expected for the first few months to just get pregnant. I come from a long line of extremely fertile women (or you'd think that from the number of children everyone has) and I just never thought I'd be any different. After 3 months, my period was late by a few weeks. I was elated and went to the doctors, who immediately burst the elation by confirming I was not pregnant.

Instead I was losing almost half my hair, my weight had skyrocketed (10 lbs in a few months, I was 130 on a 5'5 frame, so it was really noticeable) and all concentrated around my middle section. Making people ask me if I was pregnant- oh the cruel journey that is PCOS. My skin had burst into painful cystic acne, which I'd never had before, and my face was growing hairier by the day. I was going to different doctors for the different symptoms and no one put it together. Finally after months of delayed periods, I went to my OBGYN who diagnosed me with PCOS based on the cystic appearance of my ovaries and my symptoms. This was a good six months after we started trying.

I started on Metformin starting at 500 and easing up to 2000. Those were two miserable months of constant nausea, diahrhhea. The RE (who was the most unsympathetic creature alive) told us many PCOS women get pregnant on the Metformin alone so we waited and hoped for 6 long months, which in retrospect was wasted months for us. After the one year mark of TTC, we moved onto Clomid with my OBGYN. After 3 unsuccessful months (unmonitored!) she told me we'd have to see a fertility specialist. I came home and cried that day thinking things couldn't get worse. Little did I know things were finally about to get better.

So 1 1/2 years after we started our TTC journey, I found myself in the offices of another RE specialist, this time he was one of the foremost authorities on PCOS. And though new Dr. wasn't the sweet doctor I was hoping for, he was patient, answered my questions and gave us alot of information to weigh our options. I finally felt I was in the care of someone who knew what he was doing.

We started with a bevvy of tests which showed things were good for me (ie no blocked tubes, beautiful uterus etc). I started on Clomid again, this time monitored, with a ovulation inducing injection, to make sure I ovulated. Under the OBGyn's care, I don't think I ovulated during my Clomid cycles. Still we had no success after 3 months of that, including 2 months of back to back IUIs. We finally moved onto a mixed cylce of Clomid and an injectible (Gonal F), I produced some beautiful follicles and after 2 IUIs found myself pregnant! We got our first ever BFP on a home pregnancy test on Christmas morning, and we got the Beta confirmation on my husband's birthday. It was wonderful.

Although we both recognize this miracle for what it is, I still have been suffering from incredible anxiety. I keep seeing milestones ahead of me that we need to get through before we can truly be joyful... the first beta, then the second beta.. then the sonogram... then the heartbeat... and now the second sono to see if baby is measuring right. I've promised myself I'll relax after today's appointment... but who knows. I made it through 2 years of treatment without feeling the need for a shrink, but the past month has made me seriously consider making an appointment. In some ways, having the little one makes the thought of loss all that much more devastating.

I thought of removing myself from this month's ICLW, but then I remembered how when I was at my lowest points, reading the blogs of PCOS/IF ladies who'd gotten pregnant, was the only thing that even on the darkest days kept me hopeful. If I can do that for even one person, I'll be happy. So welcome to my world and hope you enjoy following along.


Anonymous said...

That is so special that you got your BFP on Christmas morning! I'm a little jealous. :) Fingers crossed for you that everything continues to go well!

Fran said...

Congratulation on your BFP! I suppose now that you are caressing your dream, the fear of it being taken away is greater than the fear of not getting pregnant at all. Hang in there! Fran

ICLW #90

The Mrs. said...

First of all congratulations! Second I am feeling a lot like you! I am only 5 weeks pregnant, and it is really hard not to be worried and stressed over each day!


Anonymous said...

Congrats, I so agree that it is very hard not to worry!! I will keep you in my prayers! Best wishes!

Serendipity said...

I'm glad things continue to go well for you. The anxiety does lessen as the pregnancy progresses, each milestone that you hit will make you feel more certain. I don't think I really settled down until I could feel bub moving.

Amy said...

What is ICLW? Thank you for sharing your story. I understand what you mean. I think part of the reason I didn't join PCOS support groups or read PCOS blogs was because I have a child. She is almost 3. It was until July of 2009, that I was diagnosed with PCOS. My DH and I have been TTC for about 5 months with no success.
Good luck to you! I hope as you get further along, you are able to worry less.

Journey Girl said...

Happy ICLW and congratulations!! I too tested on Christmas day and got that beautiful second line on the test so we are very close together!!

Good luck for your pregnancy and I am not going to say not to worry, I have been very cautious this whole time!

All the best!!

Willow said...

Congratulations! I understand what you mean about waiting for a milestone when you can truly just rejoice in this much-wanted pregnancy--I hope that if & when I get pregnant again (I've had one miscarriage), I will be able to just enjoy it, but I know I will be anxious just as you describe. I hope you are able to feel that joy you want soon!

Blondie said...

Congratulations, that's wonderful news! I'm still TTC (PCOS, TTC for 2 years), but I'm sure that once I get my BFP I will be an absolute nervous wreck. And all of those "normal" women who got pregnant in a matter of a month or two will just tell me to "relax." Nothing boils my blood more than the "relax" comment :) But anyway, so happy for you! Lots of hugs and well wishes!