Sunday, January 31, 2010

where's the glow??

First the important news: I became a first time aunt early this morning! My baby niece is absolutely gorgeous and we'd be super esctatic to have our baby have a cousin so close in age except the fact that my sister lives at the opposite end of the planet in Australia!! Still SO happy for sis & b-i-l and can't wait to meet the pretty lady.

Now for the topic of my post: feeling ugly! Where is this pregnancy glow I keep reading about- apparently with the extra blood we're pumping we should have that ethereal glow. Instead I feel super unattractive. I have been breaking out (went to the dermatologists and only thing she'd give me was Finacea, which is an azelaic acid and ok for pregnancy). It hasn't helped so far, even though it's only been a few days. I've gained 2 lbs but feel as though I've gained 10. My waist area looks huge and my clothes don't fit the same.

The leg injury (still can't walk!!) may be adding to it since I'm unable to prettify myself but I feel like an absolute sloth. Not being able to go on my usual long walks and the gym makes me feel horrid.

Not to mention that husband has been treating me differently- it's almost like he's treating me with kid gloves, afraid he'll hurt me. I want my crazily affectionate husband back!

I am desperate for the "glow" to start. Pretty please. I want to feel like myself again!!

Friday, January 29, 2010

My first pregnancy gift


Today I got my first pregnancy gift :)
My sister who lives in Australia and is due any day now sent this to me. It's a Preggle body pillow- I'm thinking it will be perfect for my healing leg now and perfect for once I have a bigger belly and need support.
So exciting to receive gifts- it somehow makes this feel more real.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

iclw?

I was going through some ICLW posts today wanting to make up for my lack of commenting while away. I posted earlier about how I struggled with the decision to take part in this month's ICLW not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable. I felt suitably fine when my blog was clearly listed as a newly pregnant IF, and thus only those ok with that would vist. However in posting comments on other's blogs, I feel quite sensitive not knowing if people still TTC will think it presumptious of me to post on theirs?

Anyone else felt this? Thoughts?

ps: enjoying my lunch break by watching "Pregnancy for dummies: third trimester" on Discovery Health- alot of good info! Will have to look up the first and second trimester ones.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

8w4d

So let me tell you a little story my friends. Tropical babymoon at the beach turned quickly into a nightmare. On our very first day in Mexico, I got into a freak accident. The hammock I was laying in gently somehow broke and fell to the ground. That would have been ok (just 2 feet or so) except the pole the hammock was tied to also came crashing down and one of the decorative arrows on the pole (what genius thought of that) went straight through my thigh muscle tearing a huge hole through the exterior and into the muscle. We were in mild shock initially with my husband not realising I'd been cut. It was only once I felt something sticky on my hand that we realised I was bleeding profusely. This was the scariest part as I didn't know where I was bleeding from. We screamed for help and got them to call the ambulance. Someone knew CPR and came and tied my orange scarf around the wound to stop the bleeding, which quickly turned a bright red. I felt like I was going to pass out from the blood loss but tried my best to stay alert. Husband was hugging me and we were crying thinking for sure our baby was hurt.
After what seemed like a long ambulence ride, we landed at a really modern brand new hospital (much more impressive than ER's here in NY) and was examined by a general practitioner who then had me see a surgeon. We told them from the very start I was pregnant. The surgeon had to do stitches without giving me anything- oh the pain! He gave me antibiotics afterwards and some tylenol for the pain (which did nothing :( ) Next we saw the ob-gyn who did a external sonogram on a kick ass machine that showed everything so clearly. Heart beat was a little high (188) but that flicker of it beating was the most beautiful sight. It was only after this that I breathed a sigh of relief. We are extremely aware of how it could have been a worse situation, if I'd been pierced in a vital organ or god forbid my head. Andfor that we are beyond greatful.
The hotel owners were beyond gracious and we hold no ill-will towards them. They took good care of us and were extremely apologetic. Needless to say vacation was ruined and I spent the next 2 days on a wheelchair. Still managed some sun time at the pool and make the best of the situation, which husband and I are good at.
Back in NY, today we had my doctor check out my wound today and I'm healing well, though I can't walk much and am in quite some pain. I'll have to work from home for the time being, which is ok with my work folks as we're set up to work from anywhere in the world with full access to files remotely. Also went to the OB's for the appt we'd scheduled last week after the doctor had a hard time seeing the little love. Today miraculously little one measured exactly 8w4d!! The heartbeat was 192 which sounded a little high to us, but the doctor re-assured us for all we'd been through it was nothing to worry about.
So that my friends is the story of a vacation that wasn't.
Happy to be home, to be alive, to have my little one beating hard and to catch up w/all of you.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Out of office

Mexico and the beaches beckon. Have a great weekend and see you next week. xo, d

Thursday, January 21, 2010

7w5d RE visit

Thank you so much for the overwhelmingly supportive response. This little community we have online has become such a space for comfort for me- thank you!

I was a basketcase today. I worked from home this morning since I couldn't fathom facing work people on such a day. Mid-way through the day while on an international call, I had a really long bout of nausea. I actually stood up and did a little dance :) Nausea = good.

I found a thimerosol free H1N1 location (one location in ALL of NYC!) and got that done to pass some time, and then headed to the Doctors for my appointment. On this day, already beyond worried, the wait was horribly long. Finally they called us in and then I had to wait again, this time naked in the stirrups.

FINALLY the RE appears. He slides in the wand, and voila on today of all days, the little one was playing hide and seek. Doctor couldn't really get a good look at the baby. He tried this way and that way. Finally he had me hold my breath and he heard the heartbeat (a solid 160.. it was 140 a week ago). He then tried the stomach ultrasound today to see if he could get a better look. In terms of measurements, he said he wasn't able to get a precise one but he put me at 7w3d, whereas I am actually 7w5d. He told us this was good, that the progress since a week ago when baby measured 6w3d was good.

But the look on the RE's face made me think he wasn't telling us the whole story. My guess is that he wasn't able to get as good a look and thus wasn't so confident in the measurement. Last week, he had said he'd be releasing us this week to my regular OBGYNs. But today he said he wants to see me again, once we're back from our beach trip, in a week's time. This really worried the husband, who's convinced that if all was well he wouldn't have told us to come back in a week. My husband is a worry wart but I for one will sleep well tonight and let my faith that my body knows what to do tide me over.

Hi ICLW'ers

Welcome to my corner of the blog world.

I am a PCOS Insulin Resistant "Infertile" who despite countless sleepless nights of thinking it'd never happen for us, now find myself finally pregnant. My past few weeks have been as peculiar as the IF journey was, in the sense of still being wracked with worry and sleepless nights and having more anxiety that I ever did as a TTC'er.

Our journey started 2 years ago exactly when I went off the pill, and expected for the first few months to just get pregnant. I come from a long line of extremely fertile women (or you'd think that from the number of children everyone has) and I just never thought I'd be any different. After 3 months, my period was late by a few weeks. I was elated and went to the doctors, who immediately burst the elation by confirming I was not pregnant.

Instead I was losing almost half my hair, my weight had skyrocketed (10 lbs in a few months, I was 130 on a 5'5 frame, so it was really noticeable) and all concentrated around my middle section. Making people ask me if I was pregnant- oh the cruel journey that is PCOS. My skin had burst into painful cystic acne, which I'd never had before, and my face was growing hairier by the day. I was going to different doctors for the different symptoms and no one put it together. Finally after months of delayed periods, I went to my OBGYN who diagnosed me with PCOS based on the cystic appearance of my ovaries and my symptoms. This was a good six months after we started trying.

I started on Metformin starting at 500 and easing up to 2000. Those were two miserable months of constant nausea, diahrhhea. The RE (who was the most unsympathetic creature alive) told us many PCOS women get pregnant on the Metformin alone so we waited and hoped for 6 long months, which in retrospect was wasted months for us. After the one year mark of TTC, we moved onto Clomid with my OBGYN. After 3 unsuccessful months (unmonitored!) she told me we'd have to see a fertility specialist. I came home and cried that day thinking things couldn't get worse. Little did I know things were finally about to get better.

So 1 1/2 years after we started our TTC journey, I found myself in the offices of another RE specialist, this time he was one of the foremost authorities on PCOS. And though new Dr. wasn't the sweet doctor I was hoping for, he was patient, answered my questions and gave us alot of information to weigh our options. I finally felt I was in the care of someone who knew what he was doing.

We started with a bevvy of tests which showed things were good for me (ie no blocked tubes, beautiful uterus etc). I started on Clomid again, this time monitored, with a ovulation inducing injection, to make sure I ovulated. Under the OBGyn's care, I don't think I ovulated during my Clomid cycles. Still we had no success after 3 months of that, including 2 months of back to back IUIs. We finally moved onto a mixed cylce of Clomid and an injectible (Gonal F), I produced some beautiful follicles and after 2 IUIs found myself pregnant! We got our first ever BFP on a home pregnancy test on Christmas morning, and we got the Beta confirmation on my husband's birthday. It was wonderful.

Although we both recognize this miracle for what it is, I still have been suffering from incredible anxiety. I keep seeing milestones ahead of me that we need to get through before we can truly be joyful... the first beta, then the second beta.. then the sonogram... then the heartbeat... and now the second sono to see if baby is measuring right. I've promised myself I'll relax after today's appointment... but who knows. I made it through 2 years of treatment without feeling the need for a shrink, but the past month has made me seriously consider making an appointment. In some ways, having the little one makes the thought of loss all that much more devastating.

I thought of removing myself from this month's ICLW, but then I remembered how when I was at my lowest points, reading the blogs of PCOS/IF ladies who'd gotten pregnant, was the only thing that even on the darkest days kept me hopeful. If I can do that for even one person, I'll be happy. So welcome to my world and hope you enjoy following along.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

7w4d

tomorrow I go back to the RE's. To check how the little one is growing. RE was concerned since little bean measured 6w3d at 6w6d. We are really hoping our little love has continued to grow steadily.

I know I'll not sleep tonight and tomorrow will be torture until my appointment in the afternoon.

Pray for me please!

still pondering h1n1

I'm still struggling with the H1N1 decision...

I finally decided I'd take the thimerosol/preservative free version but can't seem to locate anyone in NYC that has that vaccine. Unbelievable!

So here I am scrambling 2 days before my trip... Dr's office said to go ahead, that even the one with the mercury was fine since it's in such a low dose... And all the main sources online say the same, but it just feels uncomfortable to do anything that may hurt the little one.

Dilemma dilemma!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

cranky preggers

I'm only slightly done with my first trimester but I can't wait to be done with it for a few reasons:

I was chatting with my sister (who's due any day now) and she was saying how she felt a million times better once the first trimester was over- can't wait!! And I haven't even had the morningsickness, but I feel like a stranger to myself lately: I'm so highly irritable, I cry at the most random moments (including at work on Friday- so embarrasing!), and the husband and I have been squabbling over silly small things all the time it seems. Not to mention I have ZERO energy!

Other than hopefully physically feeling better 2nd trimester, I think being able to tell people and get some pregnancy sympathy will help a lot.

After a silly fight yesterday (I wanted a footrub and he said he needed to respond to some work emails, so I threw a fit about his priorities- who am I??), husband actually admitted that right now he often "forgets" I'm pregnant and that I need some special attention and he needs to forgive my silly mood spasms. He said once I start showing, he (and others) would remember to treat me more like a pregnant lady. It made sense to me- right?

Work has been absolutely nuts. I don't like talking about it on here, but my work is related to crises, so it's a really fast paced busy environment with lots of long hours. Which I'm normally really used to in my line of work, but lately my stamina is nonexistant.

Anyhow, sorry for such a pity party post... I truly am SO hugely grateful to have this miracle in my life, but I wish others would treat me with some tenderness during this special time you know? Or atleast once I am able to tell them.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

to H1N1 vaccine or not?

We are headed to Mexico next week for a holiday we'd planned before we found out we are having a baby.

I'm looking forward to a few days of rest, sunshine and beach time, but a little nervous about H1N1. I asked my RE at my last appt, and he gave me a quick "go ahead" saying the risks of the vaccine were far less than what would happen if you got H1N1. Reading up on the internet, it doesn't seem as easy an answer.. some say to avoid the one with preservatives... others to avoid the one with thermasol... and those that are vehemently opposed to the vaccine in the first trimester. All of this leaves a girl very confused!

I travel internationally for work quite a bit and know that I should take the vaccine. But do I take it now (before this Mexico trip) or wait until I'm done with my 1st trimester in mid Feb?

Have any of you ladies taken the vaccine? Thoughts?

Friday, January 15, 2010

Dr's visit, 6w6d

Thank you all for your messages yesterday SO much. This blog has become such a place of comfort and camaraderie for me. All due to all you wonderful ladies- thank you!!

Just wanted to do an update on my doctor's visit today. I was so nervous going in and the doctor saw me as soon as I got there which I appreciated, since the wait is usually very long. Once I lied down for the sonogram, I was so distracted with worry that when the doctor looked over and smiled at me, it took me a while to realize he had the heartbeat on the speaker for us to hear. I cannot put into words what a relief that was. Little one was beating fast (140, which I understand is pretty strong for 6w6d).

But the next news wasn't as comforting... the little one is only measuring at 6w3d. Apparently doctor's leave a 3 day margin, so he said to not get too worried about it, especially since the heartbeat was strong, but that we did need to hold off on celebrating just yet. :(

He's scheduled me for another sono in a week's time, and after that if things look good, he said he'd then encourage us to celebrate.

Little bean, please grow. Mommy and daddy love you.

While he was zooming in on the sac, husband asked what the other black dot next to little bean's sac was. Doctor then proceeded to tell us we probably had the beginnings of a twin, but that it didn't develop. I really wish he'd just lied and told us it was nothing. Since it measured really small, I know it's not worth being sad about, but still makes a little sad you know.

Anyhow, so for today I am grateful that we heard a strong heartbeat. And I hope that news quells my anxiety for the time being but I know I will not rest easy until my sono next Thursday.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Fear... Anxiety... 6w5d

I have been feeling incredibly anxious yesterday and today. To the point I cannot function, or think of anything else.

The "symptoms" I was having of some cramping and needing to pee often seem to have disappeared. Leaving me with no symptoms. I feel some dread and can't escape feeling like there's nothing in me. I have tried to relax and think positively, as that usually works, but that is not working for me anymore.

There's no way I can wait until next week to find out what's going on. I called the Dr's and after some fibbing about painful cramping, they scheduled me in for an appointment tomorrow morning.

Now I don't know how I'll make it the next 22 hours.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

book review: the Real Deal Guide to Pregnancy


I got a bunch of different books from the library to start my "research" on this new realm called being pregnant. It's just my style.. when I found out I had PCOS, I read every book under the sun. And then read everything abt Insulin Resistance... and then everything about ART.. and now it's finally my turn to read the baby books. Of the lot, so far, I've really liked the Real Deal book- it's really informal in tone and basically the information your good girlfriends would tell you (a. if you had shared your news with them, b. if they have been pregnant).
I really found it useful in relation to the other more factual pregnancy tomes, because this one is based on the author and her group of "mommy menagerie", ie real women who have actually been pregnant. I've been fretting about not having morning sickness, as all the books emphasize that, and infact according to her sample, most women didn't have morning sickness. There are also many small tips and tricks (if you're at that stage where your pant is feeling a little snug, leave it unbuttoned, but loop a rubber hand so that it doesn't create that opening bump).. etc.
I think I'll review the various books, or atleast the good ones.
ps: REALLY craving the sour stuff... In the past few days, I've practically finished a jar of pickles.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

6 wks starts with a scare

Last night I was tossing and turning and unable to sleep. Around 2am, I felt two sharp stabbing pains in my lower left abdomen. I hadn't felt this before. I got up and drank some water, and after it didn't happen again, I tried going to sleep.

Today afternoon, I started having mild cramping in my lower left abdomen. This lasted about 90 minutes. I felt for sure something was wrong, and started sobbing. Husb had to calm me down in a major way. After 90 minutes it dissapeared... but I'm still filled with dread.

I hear cramps are meant to be a regular part of many people's first trimester... but it is still disconcerting to not know which are the "normal" cramps and which ones are ominous. Last time I was at the dr's and he asked if I had any concerns, I offhandedly mentioned I sometimes felt some mild twitching on the left side. He looked around with the sonogram and said everything looked fine. I hope so. I am torn as to whether call the Dr and go see him tomorrow or if this is just part and parcel.

Anyone who's had cramps- was it passing or did it last this long?

Keep me in your prayers! Little bean, mama needs you to stay strong.

UPDATE: Dr's office called back. The nurse said it could either be gas, the uterus stretching or due to any strenuous activity. I'd gone to the gym after a long while the day before...

Saturday, January 9, 2010

week 6

Every day is a new landmark. A day I didn't know if I'd ever see, and thus am immensely grateful for.

I left the entire weekend empty as I feel the need to really take a deep breath and rest. We got a bunch of pregnancy related books that I want to read... not to mention it's freezing in New York and I'd rather be inside than anywhere else.

Symptoms: nothing new really. Had some slight nausea this afternoon, but I took a nap and it went away. I have been ravenous, but trying to eat healthy. Can you believe I seem to have gained 2 lbs in the past month?? This is worrying to me, as they say 4 lbs is what you should gain in the first trimester. This was enough to get me to go back to the gym- did 45 minutes on the stationary bike and walked on the treadmill. I still feel really cautious and don't want to over exert myself, but I realise I need to get back to moving.

I used to workout 4-5 times a week, mainly running and elliptical. But I have maybe been to the gym twice since my IUIs in early December. This is not good.

I walk to work, so that automatically gives me 40 minutes of walking a day. But I want to try to get to the gym for low-intensity excercises 3-4 times a week. And I also need to look into a pre-natal yoga class.

Have a great wknd!

Friday, January 8, 2010

musings on what to eat... use... do


Maybe because we've wanted this for so long but there's not much I think I will miss during my pregnancy.

  • Due to my Metformin, I'd eased off the drinking for over a year now and other than the occasional glass of wine every two weeks, I haven't been regularly drinking for a long while now. So completely giving it up has been fine. Yesterday night, husband and I went out with some friends to a jazz bar and everyone was drinking but I sipped my Pellegrino with lime and was pretty content. Won't miss it.
  • I live a fairly "green" life, so the transition to green products and eating more organic and all of that already happened a few yrs back. So we're good to go on that front.
  • Due to the Insulin Resistance, I've been practicing a low glycemic diet for a while now and it comes pretty naturally at this point.
  • I thought I'd miss coffee but maybe it's the aversion to acidity right now, but I haven't craved coffee. I have been allowing myself one caffeinated tea a day and drinking de-caf tea other times.
The ONLY thing I know I will sorely miss (because I already do) is SUSHI. I love love love sushi and maki rolls and used to eat it atleast twice a week.

I was talking about this with my sister, who lives in a foreign country and she said her doctor said sushi was fine. The bacteria they're worried about with raw fish would get anyone sick if they consumed it, and most reputable sushi places would never risk their reputation by serving problematic raw fish. Anyhow sushi fish is always of a high quality. Women in Japan apparently eat sushi throughout their pregnancies.

This leaves me in a conundrum. Yes I do think doctors in the US are overly vigilant. It's for example pretty normal to see a pregnant woman in Europe have a guiness or a glass of wine. Everything in limited quantities and the effect on a fetus is thought to be non-existant. Also having done my Master's in gender issues, a lot of fear mongering goes back to a medical profession that doesn't put much faith in a woman's ability to moderate herself and use common sense. That resonates with me.

What do you all think? Have you followed the advice of avoiding everything to a T or have you figured out more what works for you?

ps: thought the photo was interesting. I'm guilty of the mixing the wasabi in with the soy sauce :)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

speechless

Today was a day I'll never forget.

Today we had our first sono appt and I saw my little bean, or atleast the sac version of our little baby.

I was overcome with so many emotions... how long we've wanted this... those nights where I was convinced it'd never happen for us... how I cried after those injections... how since our BFP our excitement has had to be contained... and I also felt an irrepressible excitement. To feel that my love affair with this little miracle has started.

Today I saw that things are going well. Today I feel the first glimmer of optimism for myself. That maybe I can worry just a tad less.

Husb and I went out to celebrate afterwards at one of our fave restaurants. Had a nice meal and giggled over our little bean's sono picture.

For once today I will allow the joy to take over, and put the little nagging voice in the back of my head on mute.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

24 hr countdown

24 hr countdown to Dr's appt tomorrow at 6pm.

So so anxious! I haven't been sleeping well last few nights and being back at work means no napping... And being caffeine free on no sleep is hard. I had to resort to a tea today.

I am probably 5W3D tomorrow (adjusting for later ovulation)- what was the earliest people heard a heartbeat?

I have read some people saying they heard a heart beat at 5 wks... and others saying they just saw a sac....

24 hrs... 24hrs... 24hrs...

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Dreaded 3 day wait before First Dr's Appt

I don't "feel pregnant".

No nausea. Or tender boobs. I actually had 2 days of that earlier on. And queasiness here and there, but my metformin causes that too.

The only "symptoms" I have are:

1. FATIGUE: like extreme fatigue. I've had a few days off for the holidays and I've been napping every afternoon for 2 hours or so. I have never in my life been a napper. In the night-time I either have a really good deep sleep or toss and turn all night, no in btwn. Being on holiday, that's been ok because I just get my 7 hrs no matter when I fall asleep. Since I head back to work tomorrow, that'll be a problem. I went to watch Avatar with Husband yesterday and I FELL ASLEEP in the theatre :)

2. Cervical mucous- I've started routinely wearing panty liners as it's really "wet" down there. I googled it and it seems to be discharge from the cervix that is preparing itself.

So that's it ladies. I almost wish for some nausea to feel reassured that everything is ok in there...

I know the next 3 days will be really anxiety inducing- I'll just have to try and stay busy at work and think of other things.

Happy first week back at work of the year everyone!

Saturday, January 2, 2010


Plugged my numbers into BabyMed's HCG calculator and my betas seem to be right on track for an average incline. I wish similar to the HPT there was a home beta test. I don't go in until Wednesday for my scan and don't know how I'll pass the days until then.